gathering

after yesterday's post
suddenly i found seemingly everyone i know
and a bunch of people i hadn't known

and enjoyed fabulous company
the entire rest of the day

from the starbucks corner gatherings
over a couple hours
to a friend taking me backpack shopping
to a beautiful crystal shop

all sorts of extracurricular activities
and learnings

improvised dance-like motions
and skipping along the way

then to a potluck jam
where i brought some collard greens
i had invested in at the coop for the occasion
and enjoyed five helpings of fabulous
vegan mac and cheese

it was good to play a bit
really good to hang out with friends

and begin healing
as i gather

i came out here
to restore my sanity

just another day in OB

i am taking inventory
of the best times in my life

to see how they evolved
and how they subsequently dissolved

i thought i would take a time out
from the index cards and coffee drinking

to come to the OB library
and sit next to a man

having an in-depth personal conversation
with an invisible friend

-----

i have been unable to find anyone i know today
so i've watched capoeira by the beach

stared at the waves a while
watched a mother and daughter negotiate boundaries

walked past my old house
chatted with a barista who likes to play drums

bought two cliff builder bars for a buck
said hi to a disturbed woman

who didn't remember meeting me yesterday
celebrated memories of the finest meal

i've had in a while
tuna fish and pea soup salad

over laughter with a good friend
in the landscaped courtyard

of the ritzy hotel in which
i once considered helping someone

cheat on her primary relationship

-----

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join us nightly at six and ten

now we return you
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programming

unaffordable

i wish i knew what to say

interesting vacation
breaking up with someone i wasn't with

but spent my last bucks to come see

after losing my journal
address book and phone

less than $20 for the rest of this vacation
means a friend's food supplies

and jack in the box i guess
but at least the hostel bed is paid for

probably won't even go to the music fest
i came to play in

since i can't afford to get in

anyone know where
there's a water fountain

around here

1000 miles away

i know most everyone is beyond blogging now
with twitter and facebook and all
but i will continue on
holding down this
now ancient
technology

it was a stretch to get back out here to san diego this week, to spend my last couple hundred bucks on vacation, staying with friends and eating farmers maket samples, when my car back in burque is not even running and i still haven't even bought a toaster for my place

but i am glad to get away, burque has been a definite grind the last four months, and without the quality-of-life perks that make work worthwhile--such as a beach to jump in every afternoon after work, parks everywhere, beautiful people in minimal clothing, ocean misty wet goodness all around, new things to see, experimental entertaining people on ever corner kicking soccer balls and initiating conversations and on and on

i jumped under some 60 degree waves today, in the 80 degree sunshine, before and after hanging with friends in the hood, while i have great neighbors back in burque who let me hold their 6 month old son on the groovy porch, my community needs are so much more powerfully fulfilled here, among fascinating fellow travelers who share most everything they have including sleeping spaces and food supplies

the trick here is that there is so much more stimulus, it is easy to overindulge, i counted five distinct moments of invitation to get high today, and the day is not over yet, each offering that glimpse into deeper conversation and communion with one another and the beauty all around, and i passed all five times, but not without consideration

i passed because i find it too easy to slide down that slippery slope as i have again recently, into dysfunctional infrastructure, poor boundaries, and general moodiness

i am also realizing that is a major reason why things fell apart for me here in sd, it is sooo juicy to get high and trip out on the unceasing waves and musical inspirations and cosmic connections and paradigm shifting friends, yet i for one become too sensitive to those aspects of my life like work and money where there are stresses and interpersonal challenges and physical demands, and the temptation to let it go and just be in the sunny yumminess for as long as the money lasts becomes irresistable, especially with an entire subculture to encourage one onward

yet with this slightly bipolar brain, everything just gets too fat and there is no medicine for that, but abstinence or disappearance

to the mountains where you have to fight for every glimpse of the good life, and you get stronger even if you feel weaker, where people conserve energy rather than kick soccer balls and yell on streetcorners, and we save water too

where fulfillment is in loving oneself enough to give to others and that means a certain conservation, prioritizing nurturance and down time when off the clock, in order to acquire some of the meager resources available in the desert

whereas by the ocean the key is to always be a little lit, a little caffeinated, ready to jump into the moment of connection with another's opened eyes, and find the possibility of sharing and trading and gifting, smoke and sage and food, and a buck or some info and a place to stay

i guess for better or worse this begins to describe just why i am a lonely working class bastard bicycling to work in a windy dust bowl town where it rains an inch a year and people sell you cars that don't run

1000 miles away from most of life's fondnesses