aikido sucks

my stuff's a mess

my car's not legal

exes are circling

in order to sneer at me

or through a third party

reminding me of their disgust

-----

my car's named gangsta

things are just broken in a certain way

karma is in the air

processing sibling issues

with a near stranger

and seeking to match subpersonas

with a lovely gal

living with someone

a thousand miles away

-----

acquisition of the gangsta

allowed memories to rise

of being bullied in childhood

maybe i'll take up aikido

i hate aikido

-----

i am a boor

an italian hillbilly

i just can't take this culture anymore

let me farm far away

from the circus

this stunning unreality

of so many

and if you are watching

the wedding

i am not speaking to you either

predictably else

i am utterly hopeless

a ridiculous middle aged man

with such a young man's curiosity

about everyone

i can barely think

-----

not every day is fabulous

but things are working out

for the best

the world is collapsing

and all is being revealed

in its true beauty

-----

i saw today how horrific Life is

its like those shamanic dismemberment

depictions

we are frankensteins all

yet we find each other beautiful

and beyond this wonder

there is the utter Dinive compassion

that is implicit in transforming

initial carnivorous brain-eating activities

into sex

and that is Creator as Goddess

-----

my essential calling is empathy

at which i am most gifted

and an utter failure

fortunately i generally get to try again

after i nearly launch myself

a wolf at someone's jugular

that vein running to

our big fat heads

-----

really it's all the world needs from me

ecology heals itself believe it or not

although She sure must appreciate

collective loving intention

cosmic machinations

and grand manipulations are work

for others further along

i'll hold the job and feed the kids

or something

in general

what is the day's conversation?

how much fear is in the world

how much suffering and projection

illness and self-deceit?

i think not

-----

i am in the cafe

which i find has an especially excellent vibe

on an anonymous monday evening

there is some awesome languid music on

trippy yet danceable

middle eastern type grooves

and a lovely female voice lilting through

i am also noticing all the summery green

bursting into notice-me life

all over the hood

again

hallelujah

i was wondering if this one was going to make it

-----

the system is tangibly crumbling

before our very eyes

all i can think about is

where to move next

transfer

or leave-of-absence

wwoof through some exotic land

hell

if it's all gonna blow soon

i want to be out of the way

and already in an improvisational

circumstance

-----

relationships are almost completely random now

one day i'm in this one

the next that one

but no one dare call such behavior

polyamory

no that would be somehow too unrealistic

or immoral or idealistic

my amor happens to blend with

my idealism it is true

and with friendship and compassion

and the Earth

so sue me

funny thing explaining that to people

cuz then i say

i am looking for my Beloved

further baffling the situation

of course

baffling raven

-----

i could move to argentina

soon

that is for sure

a chileno told me today

that argentina is rooted in

italian culture

a fact heretofore

dimly perceived

i think wwoofing is likely

burque has its moments

but like much of america

increasingly random weirdness

life at the end of empire

-----

i don't need much

a comfortable bed

something useful to do with my day

and occasional home cooking

something interesting enough

to be beautiful

like a tree

someone to care about

and someone to care about me

in any given moment

i'm up for either

-----

i think people seek solace in these times

a woman is the whole world

all her landscapes and seasons

and that is why love

is so perfect

of course it takes work to be happy

there are a million forms of love

from empathy to

chasing an ice cream truck

i just want to be as loving

in relationship

as i am to friends

and strangers

stamina for the bliss

what else can i say about suffering and bliss

yesterday lovely, today just hard

i have talked enough about the story of my day

tomorrow i bike to work across town at 5 am

ain't no time for a toothache

so forget that

i crave comfort

-----

i still am homeless in a way

tried to upgrade from the van

to a sedan today

get mobile toward more road trips west

and it's all broke

so i'll carry on try to fix it whatever

it's a strange world

but i try to take things less personally

win some lose some

it's all a sacrifice anyway

-----

am grateful to be gathering some meaning

about how complex it is

to drop back into the system

after dropping out

even momentarily

health care coverage

a ride

and everything else that matters

so corrupted by profiteers

as to squeeze the space for being human

for maintaining community

contributing

staying alive

-----

home matters

knowing where things are

community matters more

prayer matters

maybe most of all

and doing the things that keep our souls alive

amidst the schlock

including contributing to someone

something better

than all this

-----

remember this life is at least

as full of wonder and heaven

as it is this hell and drudgery

look at the trees

still blooming just so

with barely a drop of rain in four months

hear the birds

find your breath

it may be all we have

it is enough

-----

there is bliss after despair

so let us develop

stamina for the bliss

OB Community Garden pics

entry

Rod with volunteer eggplant

Rod's cauliflower

a neighbor's prizewinning plot

riotous

All and Nothing

i have it all now

i sit with my bloggy blog at the neighbor's

where I am housesitting

and where I planted a garden

of sorts

last week

-----

comfortable furniture

feet up

warm summer breezes blowing through

open doors

all night

reminding me of the sublime joy

which i somehow forget about

until they come around again:

summer nights

-----

got here by riding my bike

took three routes so far I think

to feed the rabbit and pick up mail

guess about the age

of the food in the fridge

say hi to the neighbors

now three generations worth in the house

nice folk

-----

my overwhelming desire for love

is out of control

but at least I have been gifted

with the most beautiful countenance

on the Earth

on which to occasionally gaze

and for this and nothing more

i am satisfied

-----

in a certain sense I couldn't be happier

even if lost with my beloved

amidst ten thousand golden wildflowers

in full bloom

and the softest pink and powder

blue sunset over the pacific

with waves crashing below us

high on the cliffs

there is no time

how futile everything is

this was the thought passing through approximately every other breath, as i waited in the longest line of humanity ever assembled

then i'd remember to breathe and let it go, remembering that we are all doing time, and that two or three hours standing in the tijuana sun was an opportunity to practice meditation

but what a waste of human potential, not to mention the effect on people's esteem, to have to wait for hours while the man deems whether you are worthy of passing, whether you are safe, whether you have the right papers...

oh yeah, breathe, let it go, for i am gifted with this experience of life in this moment

it is hot, i have no sombrero, and my receding hairline offers new patches of head to the sun to burn

emptiness reminding me of zen emptiness of breath

my feet hurt after walking three hours through the concrete jungle, northward from the dental office on a self-guided tour

breathing, noticing the wider field of humanity again, the colors and shops and disabled folks coming by the line to sell chicle for change

my back hurts and I crouch a moment, noticing no one else ever crouches down, maybe that would mean giving in just a bit too much to a desire for comfort that never comes

this is the condition of humanity, is it not: we are all waiting in line, and time for all practical purposes has--as the Mayans predicted--stopped

there is no hope whatsoever, and once it settles in, this is a blessing also, for there is only this

-----

I probably took longer to cross the border than most of the other thousands of souls caught on the wrong side of the fence that afternoon

because before entering the standing line, i paid $5 to sit in a van of 15 people that got stuck in traffic and didn't move an inch for over an hour

feeling a tad claustrophobic, I bailed for the experience of the line, but not before hearing the driver respond to a fellow passenger's query as to how long it would take

he answered simply:

no hay tiempo

these days

i've begun to make plans to scurry along

in a southerly direction

with priorities for the summer/fall suddenly

amazingly clear

more on specifics as they evolve

-----

the side benefits of setting goals

also showing themselves:

1) i kowtow less at work

and at the same time probably work harder

and enjoy it more

knowing i am not there for life

2) aware of the transience of my time here

i enjoy the passing moments more

my evolving routine of afternoon cafe internet snacks

and then on home for some time on the groovy porch

where i will sometimes find the pleasant company

of neighbors

and a baby with quite a stare

whose presence i enjoy

3) my energy is better

focused on an evolving sensible plan

which not only organizes things

according to the tasks it calls for

but organizes my mind

according to the principles

i will be putting into practice

and stimulates my curiosity

at seeing how they work out

4) it allows a freedom of movement

wherein other interesting projects

may open up in the meantime

like helping remodel and otherwise contribute

to the new Comienzos transitional home in June

like another song that came through yesterday

like the collards and shiso i planted yesterday

before today's surprising rains

-----

the plan is both doable

and meets needs on levels of

growth, adventure, political sanity,

contribution, safety

and a host of other existential biggies

that have been flopping around too long in my head like desperate fish

like the gains we inherently make

amidst an authentic conversation

with the Earth

-----

for now i walk to Hyder Park

where I am becoming a regular

walking barefoot in loops around the grassy park

perhaps the simplest chi kung there is

it opens up my head so sweetly

especially when i meditate on the green and trees

to the point that i don't even recognize

the corners of the park passing anymore

people really like the park

a couple days ago i watched a young mom

dancing with an improvised artistry

with and next to her infant girl

around and around with arms outstretched

then tumbling on the ground and so on

all with a freedom

i found unconventionally beautiful

shinto tree rant

there are different meanings

for all the important words

in the English language

America

land of fifty stars

promising the completion

of the kototama long walk through history

-----

there is kanagi order honesty

guided by the dim light of 24 unfolded capacities

likely the minimum by which we may remain alive

albeit unsustainably as the material scientific way

is proving to be

this is the honesty of the bushes

stating i am honest

and then believing in some part of themselves

it must be true

while the split off parts of their personalities

are then free to manifest whatever distortions may arise

from the repressed energies of all their unmanifest capacities

for from where else but such separation

could such stupidity as greed and war

in the face of global catastrophe arise?

-----

there is sugaso order honesty

guided by 32 lights

enough moonlight to witness the suffering

caused by the injustice

of spiritual principle ever ironically misfitted

with the lower desires ever driving the ship

why oh why we cry out

does God never come through

on the big stage

giving us a job

or a pat on the back

why doesn't he cure my illness

or rewrite the headlines on the Times

once in a while?

-----

and there is futonolito order honesty

which one is not supposed to speak about

in order to not offend

God and the ancestors

or maybe just

the worm-selves and cocoon-selves

we so often are

or maybe to not mix up the projected magical unfoldment of our full repertoire of fifty sunlit capacities

with the grossness of our current energetic signature

but as the most arrogant person on the planet

at least so far as all my former imaginary girlfriends are concerned

i'll just say this

-----

both I and the Earth

the old man and the sea

are fucking tired

of all the shitty pretenses

and some day soon

there will be something to say yes to

and the trees will bend to our will

and we will likewise

bend to theirs

the value of honesty

to me it seems

honesty is not so simple a value

as is first assumed

it calls for effort

for honesty is a moving target

part and parcel of a life-based system

rooted in growth

-----

one cannot say

oh this is how i feel right now

and claim honesty

or believe that by stating

i am an honest person

that it is so

there must be also

some awareness of the field around oneself

affected by the capacities

we are choosing to unfold

or not

-----

by becoming aware of one's own values

those active in the very choices

one is making

we are granted

an integrity within ourselves

it is from this

it seems to me

actual honesty

arises

-----

the value of honesty

is in its unmistakable inspiration

the breath of fresh air

graced us

by the moment of courage

to face ourselves

as we are

with neither judgment

nor the comforts of our addictions

it offers us

a journey forth

blazing new pathways for ourselves

which prove

simultaneously ancient in time

broken branches and toxic slurries

are a reflection of no matter

for honesty is nothing more

than an intention

to walk in the wilderness

of whoever we are

denouement

there is not much more to say

but thank you

for reminders of how relationships are sometimes

for the thrill of the rush of libido

and all the ego attachments

that seem so obligatory

it is not sex

i ever even wanted from you

just honesty

but then sex was strangely a possibility

while honesty was apparently

too much to ask

being peace

i have decided i enjoy more

living with a positive attitude

however realistic such optimism may prove

as part of my consciousness practice

negativity doesn't serve me

no matter how realistic

-----

so last night i prayed simply

for the first time in a while

it felt very good

i had felt at the end of my rope

for a few days

stressed over the world

and personal matters

with a jackal attached

i slept well

and woke refreshed

for the first time in days

maybe weeks

----

sleep is important

so is proactivity

there is a subtle Universal law

that moves around sometimes

which states unambiguously

that the state of my consciousness matters

as do my choices

(despite all programming to the contrary)

in determining what is created

on this Earth

-----

i found this space of consciousness today

enhanced by momentarily losing it

yet having committed to a meditation

whereby I was going to remain conscious

I was able to reconnect again

in the next breath

-----

consciousness for me along with this meditation

also calls for observing the reality "out there"

and therein lies both koan and solution

twice today while riding my bike

make that three times

and once after arriving at the cafe

i felt an adrenalinized reaction to others' behaviors

an anger at what i was projecting was others'

unconscious aggression

one of the times

i heard a jackally label

enunciating itself under my breath

toward a car driver

-----

somehow i remembered

to move on to the next breath

and thought

it could well be a kinesthetic sensitivity

to the shift in my sense of well being

that woke up my desire to choose

the next breath

or prayer energy

or the grace of empathy practice

all of which are related

-----

I simply remembered

that essential lesson of proactivity:

I am in charge of how I respond to the world!

I may be bone tired

but as long as I am alive

and possibly beyond that

I have a say

I have this moment

to awaken

-----

with the choice

to return to consciousness

a lightness came over me

and I was able to immediately

see things differently:

oh - this and this happened

and i don't need to take it personally

and that changes everything for me

it's the same for dealing with jealousy

possessiveness and any other projection

we might stumble into

oh that person had their thing going on

a need for this or that

freedom or self-expression

ease and flow

amidst a world that is more crowded

than it was when i was growing up

etc.

-----

there are gravy bonuses to this movement

the empathy that arises

in realizing that i have the same needs

and was right in the same field as they were

wanting to assert myself in motion

on the road

different strategies to meet a similar need:

me on the bike, they in their motorized vehicles

don't need to lead to conflict

yet it takes a nearly polyamorous appreciation

of the Beloved in others

to reach this quality of empathic satisfaction

in everyone

or in other words

loving one's enemies

and thy neighbor as thyself

-----

there is more

utilizing that adrenaline

by appreciating the chi it stirs up

enjoying it

allows us to grow in our stature

literally in our posture

an immediate momentary yoga

transforming aggression into joy

i think this practice is somewhat familiar

to dominant people particularly

yet it certainly can be done

even more fulfulling-ly

with benevolent intention

toward the greatest good

for all

-----

when i observe some of the novel unfoldments

on the Earth

consciousness is an important practice

in the face of radiation increases

the insanity of wars that haven't ended

blatant greed and corruption

like the marketing of water

and massive mortgage document forgeries

forcing unjust evictions

to name but a couple

we can continue to develop our practices

to expand just that much more

the space available for spiritual transformation

-----

and it is this which is the nut

the kernel driving it all deep inside for me

and satisfying my deepest need for

contribution to Life

amidst the seeming immensity of this work

no overwhelm reaches us

for like turtles in the longest of journeys

we arrive on time

remembering to love others

that it is a good day to die

and live

and are reconnected

to a world

that much more beautiful

and reborn

in a smile

funk and soul

this writing feels almost like a lifeline now

a moment of form amidst the chaos

although i suppose this is why i have journaled so many years

who to call? what to say?

there is just massive confusion and need

it's a vonnegut world now

veering into orwell

-----

So i clip a guy's mirror with my fat ass van on silver just now. I am just so stunned i can't believe it. What to do? I pull around the corner into a lot to think.

Catalepsis. Vonnegut taught me this word: I am reduced to a place i mentioned brushing up against a couple posts ago. I cannot move in any direction. There is no future, no way forward.

If I do the responsible thing...what exactly is that now? Blood sugar dropping--on fumes already heading to flying star, getting stuck at intersections because i can no longer get the car into gear...clutch and try one, again, three, four...seven, finally it slams in...

How long have i been sitting here? Is anyone watching? Guess I'll wander back and see if there's damage, that seems responsible, right? Something to do anyway. My initial inclination is actually to blow it off. The world's such chaos anyway, I doubt anyone is watching, the SUV owner's obviously richer than me, and none of this really just happened anyway, right?

If I ignore reality, I can hang on in this society a little longer, right? That's the game, right? Radiation isn't spilling everywhere, the EPA isn't trying to raise exposure standards 1000-fold, those aren't chemtrails, the government isn't collpapsing, they didn't launch tons of depleted uranium into Libya in another unconsitutional war, right?

I'm saving zero dollars, I need a vehicle, I need to move June 1, work is deeply uninspiring, at least the aching tooth quit freaking on me...where was I?

Oh yeah, I drive on down the block to get some food, seems as reasonable as anything...something else to do anyway. But even a few steps out of the van, I'm like, nope I gotta go leave a note and pay for the mirror. I can deal with a lot of stuff, but my conscience is kind of a sacred matter, one of those few areas left. I may not have managed my health very well in recent years, my emotions, my career path, my relationships, work, or much else really.

But I have done my best to be true to some bizarre internal compass, one that has granted me little favor in this life, that shred of morality that doesn't let me cheat with someone in a relationship, and that causes me endless angst reckoning with my own ineptitude in the face of the totalitarian onslaught I can neither ignore nor do anything about

But at least I can do this. So I get an Odwalla at the co-op and headed back to do the right thing. And so it goes.

-----

I'm not proud of my behavior, I am relieved. I'm a shitty denier of things, of compartmentalizing my shadows. So I feel better even walking back toward the SUV, past an older woman to whom I mention what I beautiful day it is. It could be my last moment on Earth for all I know. But it does take on a beautiful zen quality, here in the urban grit of a city in which it hasn't precipitated since I returned over three months ago.

I can't sort out the thousand things rolling around, conflicted, in my mind and the world. But I can put one foot in front of the other in the afternoon sunshine. Face whatever this unexpected contact will bring. And I leave the note, feeling grateful I haven't betrayed the only thing I have left.

I make gallows humor at work about the new combination of universal serfdom and environmental condition. Instead of picking ticks off of our loved ones after slopping through the mud all day as in the Middle Ages, maybe we get to pull off bits of one another's tumorous growths, after we get home from our futureless postmodern jobs. Aside from a romance in a dozen ways unrealistic, there is nothing left for me to care about. Planting a few trees maybe, if I'm lucky enough to be permitted to abuse my body in that way. Random moments of empathy interrupting the automation.

I may head south soon, far far south--or maybe not, there's plenty to consider. But the moment's reflection amidst smashed mirrors is, maybe--like the guy I used to work with who was so miserable in his marriage, he used to go to bars and get into fights because his said he felt better when he got punched in the face...or the dog who leaves his droppings obnoxiously in the middle of the walking path--I was unconsciously looking for any quality of contact. Maybe the SUV owner was the exact person I needed to meet.

I do know that dog, his name is Storm, and he lives in my yard.

Me, I am Clumsy Raven.