on the way to sovereignty

tough day the 2nd day back feeling a little under the weather on a short turnaround with cold weather still heading uphill on the workweek with a time change thrown in for good measure

also short on cash and with some bills to pay and some more car care to do along with an overdue visit to a western doc

the finca wants to know my plans and i've been dithering, not feeling really psyched for farming actually

it was good to clear my mind out on the beach, its back to just not having time or energy to even think amidst stupid commutes to a job that is just no longer any fun

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of course i try to be grateful and practical in this crap economy with an authoritarian crackdown due any time, not to be paranoid, but all the protesters and leftists and homeless and poor all camped out right where the cops know, is an interesting development

i think the movement's strength is in its complete nonviolent naivete, which must be baffling to the endless strategic mindset of the 1% who know they own all the violence and manipulation power in the world, yet strangely its not as applicable anymore

i really should stick around i suppose, but i am just so sick of americas bullshit over so many years, especially the collaboration of the middle class with the exploitation and violence exported all over the world, the compartmentalization i can never really forgive or belong amidst

or claim a space within for a personal life, in its demand for those middle class resource use patterns to attract the kind of woman to have a family with, which i admit has left me with a touch of misogyny as well

diamond wearers

i would like to settle down and have a nice home somewhere, even if its a rental, so long as its not being remodeled and sold out from under me like the last several places i have lived, is it any wonder were all so exhausted, trying to hold onto some invisible tether to some righteous values which mostly comes alive only in giving a buck to a guy on the corner

i'd like a humble life with a humble relationship somewhere, maybe the south of france if it hasn't all been yuppified, maybe that land around berlin i heard was still cheap, finding a partner is another deal, but hey maybe just being a place im not trying to leave has gotta help

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global citizen, ambassador for empathy, start by farming and see what comes up, let the emigration begin, at least part time, with central america where i have never been and hence despite my both positive and negative conjectures know absolutely nothing about how it will be to be living in

will i be relieved to be out, or paranoid at my lack of belonging, or will i find more belonging than i have here, or will i be panicked by lack of money, or will it be one of those stupid disasters where my health breaks down the same time i run out of money amidst social upheaval and a nervous breakdown

who cares, i need to feel more alive than this

until then its occupy i guess, at least its something i can say i was at, some vague yelp in the general direction of the bastards, maybe more in the direction of comrades to hear and know they are not alone

already i see that in the young people eyes and it is very satisfying, when they look at me and my grey beard but my alive eyes and wonder who the hell i am

tell them: middle-aged migrant farm volunteer illegal-immigrant-wannabe, part-time itinerant expat musician, nonviolent anarchist-socialist

empath awaiting dawn