who am i again

someone tell me who i am again

so tired from nearly 2 years of 3:30 wake-ups
that i am constantly falling asleep the last couple weeks
afternoon naps, 6 pm crashes, 40 winks on break
foggy thinking in the twilight awakenesses in between

can't decide if i can decide whether or not i'm awake enough to grab the phone calls coming in, or can think clearly enough to coherently return a call
friendships slipping, neighbors pissed at missed engagements and unreturned calls

relationship was just about done in from the resulting misunderstanding,
cycling gone by the wayside, when was the last time i was actually up for a jam
or even did some serious practicing, blog slipping, not to mention hygiene

i can turn on the computer to receive the conspiratorial forwards from an old friend, with whom things are becoming strained because of my perception of an increasing tendency to generalize in a way that blames the world's problems on a certain ethnic group, and his taking the barely-contained disgust in my replies personally

i really need a vacation but gosh the planning and booking and execution sure seem formidable, yet i also wonder why i have so few allies who accept me and offer nurturance rather than judge me and offer demands, since i think i have clearly let everyone know i work very hard for a living and have great difficulty with stress especially that of receiving judgment

a bag of weed sounds real good about now, some me-time within which i get to just enjoy breathing in some sunshine, cooking something interesting or going to a strange new abq haunt, stretchng so luxuriously, with the space to regroup and make a new plan, remember to dance and play, have a spontaneous new idea, watch birds, and whoever wishes to join me is welcome, so long as they remember to tread gently within my garden

because the past week is not what i signed up for

cycling through

while cycling through time today
along a path near to the rio grande

in considering the satisfying choice of
maintaining a very loose attachment
to a goal of triathloning one of these years

in order to simply prioritize
the numerous moments of beauty
along the way

in addition to fitness and fun
and improved presence in my relationships


a thought occurred to me:

it is possible the root cause of suffering
can be expressed as

the prioritization of attachment to a strategy
to attain one's needs

over a direct energetic connection
to the needs


yet in reflecting further
on my life experience I realized:

it is also possible that suffering occurs
because of the difficulty in distinguishing

the majority of circumstances
wherein a yin approach
of maintaining connection to need
is in harmony with life

from the roughly 12.5 percent of circumstances
where one is best served
by a canine-toothed single-mindedness
offering satisfaction of survival needs so directly
as to avoid life-draining dependency


the tricky part
is that a little yang goes a long way
and we are generally more likely to lose balance
by holding on too much to things

and in our celebration of supposed independence
neglect the effects our actions are having on others
and the whole

the lynchpin of justification for such a course
being the mistaken assertion of one's supposed right to comfort
over and above another's toothy survival

yet what of that grey area we might call
security?


fortunately there are numerous solutions to such koans
each unfolding systems of abundance

one being the realization of one's mortality
and the concomitant dawning of desire for contribution
to the life that persists beyond oneself

be this passing along a timeless path
offering a contribution to the river of human survival technologies

perhaps realizing an achievement of growth that cannot be erased
even by the clenching fingers of inevitable death


or in simply giving to the life of another

whereupon the who of giving
and the who of receiving dissolves

into sublime raucous mystery

Saturday afternoon

Saturday afternoon
yellow clouds rising in the noon
acid, incense and balloons...
Jefferson Airplane


lazing away the middle day
of a long-overdue three-day weekend

i recognized the bicycle would not
be oomphed to the bosque today

but such a promising sunny day
commanded the sinews outdoors nevertheless

so even with the heat of the day mostly past
off we trudged

me
the mando
and a journal

to Roosevelt Park

____________

having invested most of the day
in two primary activities

reading Phil Lesh's quite lucid recollections
of life in the sixties while forming the Grateful Dead

and several hours of napping

the three block walk to the park
offered the distinct pleasure
of a kinesthetic experience of movement

yet it was seeing the three sets of balloons
at the apartment complex on the way
offering immediate occupancy

just a tad brighter in their multicolored hues

that led me to realize
that i was ever so perceptibly
in an altered state

____________

i needn't be too surprised at this

not only was this my first three day weekend in months
hence i was probably more relaxed and sleep-fulfilled
than in recent memory

but the Dead had been a huge formative influence for me
their music poetry and psychedelic social explorations
near the center of my initial adventures
of adolescent autonomy in the world

still it was a welcome surprise
to notice near some of the balloons
a truck cab filled with wrapped baskets

and rather than just register the data
feel!

and what i felt was a kind of delightful wonder
at how this truck's fellow human
might be feeling about whatever side job
these baskets may have represented

as well as a warmth of connection
at all the side jobs you and i and everyone else
have ever taken on
to meet a few individual and collective needs

and i felt a mild exuberance
at the way the world really
works

_________

the park was sparsely populated

after yesterday's cold blast
apparently others were as taken by surprise as me
by the need to not be huddled in our february shelters

i sat relatively out of the way of the few disc golfers
celebrating the odd forty-foot chain-crashing putt
and mourning a little too much tree love

pulled out the mando
and accompanied by brisk breeze
rendered stirring vocally-pleasant performances
solos not excluded

of cumberland blues
uncle john's band
and wild horses

and in my unselfconsciousness
a newfound non-contortedness
celebrated a willingness
to just let the music be

_______________

feeling both free
and exalted by the growing chill of the wind
i remembered San Francisco

whose mixed up seasons
must have meant a few of those beatific be-ins
were accompanied by such

endogenous and exogenous factors

and as the sun bowed to the wind
i said so long
grateful to the compassionate
company of bare and vibrant trees

and walked home
up the maple street hill
backwards

to call on different muscle groups

like we did climbing those steep hills
on Fillmore in San Francisco

chakras

a long-overdue
three-day weekend
begins

perhaps with the acquisition of home-based web access
the blog can return to a calmer thoughtfulness
or evolve anew as it may


a vigorous ecstatic dance circle this evening
brings the satisfaction of sweat
and some gentle healing connections

and as we wind down
i notice my mind wandering
distracted by feminine beauty around me


i am inspired to do some chakra clearing work
visualizing the gentle release of any attachments
and offering rainbow light in their stead

i notice most obviously my belly releasing
its overwhelming desire the last two weeks
to consume

what a relief
not only of ongoing indigestion
but of leading with that energy toward others


mind and throat similarly overheated
overreaching
frustrated

i notice libido and rootedness rather shut down
no wonder i've felt so ungrounded and weak
this week

spiritual crown energy likewise missing
more relief as i begin reestablishing
that opening


anything else?
whoa: the heart!
how could i forget?!

breathing into it
some aliveness arises
a gentle joyfulness returning

along with a bit of mourning
to replace the week's gnarled
eating-my-way-through approach


yet mostly surprise
wonder and
gratitude

at being made whole again
in a few divinely-intended
breath-connected realizations

seen-feelings
felt-visions or better still:
sense-knowings


may i remember the wisdom of this way
toward a better cared-for self
and greater loving presence

toward partner and friends
coworkers strangers
and the world