who am i again

someone tell me who i am again

so tired from nearly 2 years of 3:30 wake-ups
that i am constantly falling asleep the last couple weeks
afternoon naps, 6 pm crashes, 40 winks on break
foggy thinking in the twilight awakenesses in between

can't decide if i can decide whether or not i'm awake enough to grab the phone calls coming in, or can think clearly enough to coherently return a call
friendships slipping, neighbors pissed at missed engagements and unreturned calls

relationship was just about done in from the resulting misunderstanding,
cycling gone by the wayside, when was the last time i was actually up for a jam
or even did some serious practicing, blog slipping, not to mention hygiene

i can turn on the computer to receive the conspiratorial forwards from an old friend, with whom things are becoming strained because of my perception of an increasing tendency to generalize in a way that blames the world's problems on a certain ethnic group, and his taking the barely-contained disgust in my replies personally

i really need a vacation but gosh the planning and booking and execution sure seem formidable, yet i also wonder why i have so few allies who accept me and offer nurturance rather than judge me and offer demands, since i think i have clearly let everyone know i work very hard for a living and have great difficulty with stress especially that of receiving judgment

a bag of weed sounds real good about now, some me-time within which i get to just enjoy breathing in some sunshine, cooking something interesting or going to a strange new abq haunt, stretchng so luxuriously, with the space to regroup and make a new plan, remember to dance and play, have a spontaneous new idea, watch birds, and whoever wishes to join me is welcome, so long as they remember to tread gently within my garden

because the past week is not what i signed up for