post-punk terms

i await the morning light

to reassure me

that coffee will be served today

i'm improving after a rough 30 hours

centered around a surprisingly

re-traumatizing band experience

hard to describe the many negative ways

that gig hit me

but trust me i'm not whining for nothing

i know i need to simply detach

the 17 hours leading up to the gig

and the 10 following

all seem part of an educational package

reminding me i don't fit in an old-paradigm

egocentric rock band

any more than i'd belong working at a bank

-----

the temptation to indulge in cosmic sarcasm

and subsequent hedonism

has been irresistable

but not only is irony passe

i simply can't afford it

the negativity stops all forward movement

so now the question:

after playing well

and keeping the band mate mask on fairly securely

amidst the carnage

do i have the self-trust

to actually let the paying rock star gig go

in order to get back to integrity with myself?

well what's the other option--

force upon myself

a new form of slavery to idiots?

-----

it all triggers tremendous arrogance within me

for all its suck

i was able at least at times

to channel some of that at tj

into something useful

some productivity

self-expression and friendships

the other day i said angrily to a friend

i'll live on the street before i chase money again

but me, homeless?

history would indicate

i'd be psychotic in a week

besides i'm not the purist

some of my brothers on the street are

i will hustle for money

enough to stay sane

amidst this dying beast of global manipulation

and violence

called the dollar

the only integrity i can honestly claim

is that i will do it on my own

post-punk

terms

milagros

suddenly i am enjoying a whirlwind of acivity

it's all play isn't it

booking gigs

visioning what you wish to do

asking for it

offering service

being willing to offer a different form of service

if requested

so long as it meets a need for inspiration

around contribution

what's not to love?

i will bring my fiddle tonight

got an invite though not yet official

from perhaps the best local CZ band

that's Cajun-Zydeco

my shorthand

my shoulder's hanging low

so i won't mind playing it cool

but i will answer the call

open heart and strong belly

good thing i not only believe in miracles

i am seeing them every day

it's all a miracle really

taking flight

i am desisting and divesting

of money

and i am a freer man for it

it may pass through my hands this way and that

but i will give it no more energy than that

i will be contributing to others

and otherwise living beautiful visions of things

it is redemption day

after two years and some five odd months

the last five being the oddest

it was a good run

enjoyed quite a few of the crew

but when i'm done

i'm done

-----

happy birthday to everyone

it is a fine time to rebirth

it was my hands and the ocean

and other benevolences

who all lifted me up

i'd like to thank trader joe's

that we ended the current form of our relationship

amicably

i prefer being friends with exes

whenever possible

-----

today i welcome back a sense of sovereignty

of self-possession

i am speaking more clearly

and a little louder

and enjoying the sound of my voice

i have found the literal meaning

for the phrase

spring in one's step

it is to move through hoards of people

with speed and grace

skipping to a slightly latin groove

-----

or maybe brazilian

they overlap for me

the capoeira dance

and the salsa

shoot that reminds me

i'm late for my cajun dance

meetup

i was trying to get to the church

on time for dinner

but we stayed too long

watching the 528 hertz

green flash

over the ocean

at heart chakra vibration wavelength

at the coming of which i played

that celtic song of joe strummers

on the fiddle

so by the time we got over there

it was only ice cream

then free man ran away

-----

i thought i'd get the fiddle from the car

and find someone to jam with

but somehow here i am

taking space to celebrate

the abundant choice to leap

and grow wings

responsiveness practice

responsiveness is interwoven with awareness

that's one of the learnings

of today's responsiveness practice

i had gone down to see about my friends'

apparent break fluid leak

rather than saying

oh i can't help that/i'm not a mechanic

i thought

well i can at least visit see whats up

maybe help the process along

but they were sleeping

so i walked on the beach

with my feet in the ocean awhile

and explored some new verses to redemption song

replacing we've got to fulfill the book with

the future is unwritten

-----

they were still sleeping at 1 pm

unusual for them

so i meandered toward a cafe

and checking in with myself

thought maybe a smoothie

would be the most nurturing thing

but i was still not ready to sit

and my attention had been already drawn

to a young man sitting with a hungry sign

half a block down

and i felt a desire to respond

maybe it was his gentle clear energy

in any case i saw a brother there

with a need

and that he wasn't getting a lot of response

despite his clear request

and it just was more alive for me somehow

than filling my own slightly overfed belly

again

yet i realized i didn't have a strategy for pursuing this

within the cultural structures of domination/scarcity paradigm

and i am not yet fluent in the behavior of abundance

so i took my time

i wanted to sit with him and buy him a smoothie

that would meet a few of my needs

but it seemed i was putting strategy before empathy

or something

asking him to walk with me

without either of us knowing each other

clumsy

plus there was the ethical question

of not responding to another guy

with requests nearby

so i stood on the opposite streetcorner

doing nothing but

leaning against a wall

as pedestrians passed

liberating practice in itself

and a cop car rolled right up to me

and i thought hmmm

it turned out some other dude

had called them to help unlike his bike

and i was predicting a responsive outcome

-----

and it occurred to me

to just walk up to the guy with the hungry sign

get over this thinking too much

and worrying about what to do next

another rather insidious cultural preconditioning

particularly insightful for moi to see!

-----

and noticing someone else had begun

attending to the other man with a request

i walked over to the man with the sign

and we had a longer than usual moment

of meeting eyes kindly

even though i had still awkwardly placed my body

out of habit

directly across and because he was sitting

above his

and it at least occurred to me to say something to the effect of

hey brother

you getting any help

and i heard him say yeah some

and if i get another 50 cents

i can get the twine

to harness my shelves

so i inquired as to the meaning of this

and i guess he said shells or something

cuz turns out he's a jewelry crafter

so i said i was going to offer to buy you a smoothie

in response to your sign

but i probably have a buck if you prefer

and he said that's be great

and as i fished for a buck

a woman came by and handed him

a big ol frappacino

and i said hey man

special delivery eh?

and a small bottle of water

as i handed him the buck somewhere in there too

with good feelings

gratitude and celebration all around

the hour or two of mostly quiet walkbys

had exploded into a jubilee

-----

and walking on soonafter

the cafe's smoothies turning out to cost more than

i would enjoy paying anyway

(ha--i actually saved six bucks)

i got on the bike and headed home

reflecting on the way

along the lines of tired dualistic thinking

did i magnetize that event (ego)

or

nah just a cool coincidence

(an excess humility implying i don't exist)

and the truth of the matter is more profound

and simple

yet how many words does it take to describe

this phenomena of our natural abundance

not having gathered much press

the last couple thousand years?

-----

i was willing to allow my field of awareness to expand

along with the compassion that naturally ensues

to include people around me

which invited me into playing a better game

than isolation or ignorance:

connecting with someone

as a human being

without labels

allows a natural magnetism

to unfold

a field of safety and connection

and even magic

that grows even by empathizing silently

and really gets juicy and fun

amidst some active response

however simple

to the situation one's become aware of

magnetizing the energy of contribution

that is so enjoyable to partake of

whose character is active

and involves

simultaneously

choosing/creating freedom and safety

and i'm guessing someone else was having a similar experience

of responding to the Divine energy of need

i imagine their strategy was to just allow

an enjoyable generosity to well up inside them on a sunday

and at the starbucks counter

decide to order an extra drink

in response to a clear undemanding request

and for fun

make it an extra groovy frappacino

with chocolate chunks on top and such

for this young man

and a water--

the abundance and consideration of which

is particularly touching!

-----

i used to wonder as a kid why every day couldn't be like christmas

and you know it was never about the stuff

perhaps a practice is to simply make every day

a little more

Sundaey!