to reassure me
that coffee will be served today
i'm improving after a rough 30 hours
centered around a surprisingly
re-traumatizing band experience
hard to describe the many negative ways
that gig hit me
but trust me i'm not whining for nothing
i know i need to simply detach
the 17 hours leading up to the gig
and the 10 following
all seem part of an educational package
reminding me i don't fit in an old-paradigm
egocentric rock band
any more than i'd belong working at a bank
-----
the temptation to indulge in cosmic sarcasm
and subsequent hedonism
has been irresistable
but not only is irony passe
i simply can't afford it
the negativity stops all forward movement
so now the question:
after playing well
and keeping the band mate mask on fairly securely
amidst the carnage
do i have the self-trust
to actually let the paying rock star gig go
in order to get back to integrity with myself?
well what's the other option--
force upon myself
a new form of slavery to idiots?
-----
it all triggers tremendous arrogance within me
for all its suck
i was able at least at times
to channel some of that at tj
into something useful
some productivity
self-expression and friendships
the other day i said angrily to a friend
i'll live on the street before i chase money again
but me, homeless?
history would indicate
i'd be psychotic in a week
besides i'm not the purist
some of my brothers on the street are
i will hustle for money
enough to stay sane
amidst this dying beast of global manipulation
and violence
called the dollar
the only integrity i can honestly claim
is that i will do it on my own
post-punk
terms
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