how i found my callings

community

is a precious need for me

met yesterday

belonging

another and related

also

contribution

is the one that really completes

the circle

perhaps prayer then grows

the spiral

-----

i get peripheral at stop signs

was my thought

as i careened down silver street

past other streets

as we seek to exchange secrets

like how european

and much of latin american culture

has it way over us

good food, quality of life

some connection to the Earth

no matter how small

is precioso

tambien

-----

i am thinking with such a hard turn

a pensar en Espanol

i am not even practicing

i am just soaking it up

energetically

i'm sinking deeply into

my italian roots

i know it's all illusion

that i'm latin after all, right?

hence el decription de un Chileno

de los Argenitnos

un poco mas italiano

es muy interesante

y los lecciones aparecen

bien

-----

i hope to find my people there

of course

a little south of Aztlan

maybe they were the farm community

i saw on youtube

where they do contact improv

dancing

to beautiful music all day long

duh

-----

now my Chilean ex would have corrected me

after gritting her teeth listening to me

i guess i am reclaiming her

as my last actual girlfriend

i miss her insults

now i can thumb my nose

like a raging Maradonna

across mutually admiring borders

-----

it's not a question of if

i go

it's a question of how

and when

-----

it's good to find my people here too

i sat in with several bands yesterday

thinking each of them had invited me to join them

meanwhile those guys never made it onstage

played mando groove

to a songwriter viola duet

played violin on all out improv

along with a healing harpist who was

perfectly synchronized with electric bass

how can one just not shine at a benefit gathering

the benevolence was palpable

musically all i could think of

is Dios Mio

somebody play a ranchera!

-----

community

my next song

albuquerque means there's always a headwind

belonging

i educate people by the way i ride my bicycle claiming the right of way on the new bike crossings for the benefit of all mankind

contribution

prayer

dwelling in the Earth

well things are rolling

in the vision manifesting department

a friend is renting out his groovy sf apartment

above the barn on the ranch

with garden space and horses

and lama foundation seems very doable

there are verbal possibilities for nicaragua

and i am inventorying the argentina wwoof farms

now an offer from a friend

who can't take an available groundskeeping

slash gardening job on the north side of taos

and has passed on the contact

well well

that leave of absence thing

may come around soon

-----

lots of good vibes at the benefit party

for a coworker today

jammed with a few folks

flirted with people

and had at least one person

really get into my playing

to see my passion

which was very satisfying

some very groovy moments

and a couple music contacts too

coulda used just a bit more attention to uptempo

a couple dance tunes for the latin

it was good to hone in on my need for staccato

nevertheless some very healing relaxing stuff

and fun to gather as a community

-----

i manage the daily maintenance tasks

dogsits and vehicle registrations

effectively without dwelling too much on them

except to say i am sinking into the serious pluses

of owning a subaru in the mountains

found my first dirt road today

boy did that feel good

it is time to begin enjoying a long summer of

picnicking

with options for fall beauty

and winter serenity

if i head just a tad north

or possibly another summer

if i head far enough

south

empathy afternoon

I sat in my first NVC-oriented group in at least a couple months today, that is, nonviolent communication-related practice.

I feel relieved to reconnect with a state of being that is at once simple and profound. On the group level, I enjoyed a sense of togetherness in community free of conflict, where we are grateful for one another's presence. In terms of activity, I enjoyed contributing with my presence to another's energetic clearing.

The shared sense of humanity also offered a safe space for me to realize my own sadness at the recent relational disconnection in my life. It is strange to see that I have been hovering above this feeling, experiencing instead more guilt or worry or negative self-evaluation. I have also been more focused on strategizing about what to do or not do, to make contact or not, and with what kind of approach.

The forthright mourning of the disconnection offered instead a reconnection to myself, to my own experience. What a relief! How much energy have I unconsciously expended amidst a nervous system imagining it needs to do something for things to be okay?

I have noticed before how a few moments of empathy can unwind any craving for getting high, by providing a similar quality of safety and softness, yet with a much more grounded aspect.

It is also reassuring to have conversations with a common understanding about striving for consciousness and integrity--after accommodating other norms in the recent relationship experiences. There has been the romantic pull, with its various imperatives, and the self-consciousness of trying to be understood across a great divide of experience and intention.

Mostly there has been a single-minded attachment to strategizing--to taking action, proving affection, making it really happen, etc. While I had awakened to the craziness of the ethical conundrums involved in our particular situation, only today am I realizing the more fundamental trouble of being addicted to action. By dropping back into being with what is, I reconnect with a vast flexibility of options for meeting needs, for rest and recovery, self-connection and self-esteem, connection to others and fun, and so on.

Acceptance and consciousness had become vague new-agey personality flaws amidst an imperative to demonstrate appropriate virility and commitment. It is no wonder I was becoming so inept. Not only was I pitted against my own value system, I was seeking to become one-dimensional, an uber-lover unrestrained by the practicalities of age, energy, money, or the experiences of a lifetime. And so I was.

I have noticed before that quality empathy has generally proven far more satisfying than romance in meeting needs for love. The space of compassionate witnessing also supports reconnection to innate self-esteem.

It is good to come home.

essence

what is there left to say

the miraculous energy available to us

in every moment and manifestation

of Creation

nearly beyond words in itself

then painting through me

the most spectacular set

of synchronicities

far beyond the capacity

of my embattled conscious will

and flowering forth

despite my best three stooges imitation

of a man with a plan

or perhaps because of and through it

especially in the saving grace

of my firm commitment

(one bridge at least from this land to that)

to see something at last through

to its essence