four stars

well it was close to a five star day

after a good day goofing at work

yes and working hard too

i swam a few laps

for the first time this season

to get out of the rut of falling asleep after work this week

then waking up groggy to hit the cafe for email

then dinner and maybe some sports talk radio

before bed

wondering after days of such non-interaction

why I was feeling so lonely

-----

well the swim helped

it is good for me to be immersed in water

I then talked to a couple east coast friends

about my upcoming road trip which was fun

and I was also invited to play at a picnic here on the fourth

with some friends I enjoy so that's cool

all of which bodes well

for a richer social time arriving

-----

the real highlight was visiting Abbey

rehabbing now a few weeks after the car accident

she's doing so much better

and can speak now with ease

mostly she indulged me yacking about my life

I have always enjoyed how she gets the subtleties

of what I'm trying to say

when talking about transformational stuff

like the yoga that is very nurturing to me these days

the devotional quality of the practice

giving me a place to express that

insistent energy in me

plus the deep strengthening

and the application of will to bettering oneself

then i played a few songs for her on the violin

and she is so appreciative and well-wishing for my music

it really filled up my heart

-----

then i went to ecstatic dance

for the first time in months

which was a bit much

after a long day

i don't know if I'll go back

it was fun at first to stretch and move

but it got to feeling narcissistic and precious

and somehow overly feminine

the macho songs bugged me most

i think growing up in new york

and being Italian

I just don't like too much chaos

i mean it's fine for women at a dance

to go for full expression of rage with fists in the air

but what the fuck am i supposed to do

if i yell at even half my intensity

people will leave i guarantee you

so it all becomes a pretense for me

plus i just don't like house music

and by the way

don't these people have jobs?

-----

then i got a second email from

the former crush in san diego

after a couple months' hiatus

she has turned an important corner

in learning to take care of herself

and I celebrate that sincerely

I liked hearing from her again

but I just feel something in me rising up

wanting choice in the matter

of conversing or not

-----

and here i am now past my bedtime

having enjoyed an excellent gluten-free pizza

at the new place in nob hill

where i've now caught up on soccer

and decided it's still a solid

four star day

real life

i'm as straight headed as i've been in years

and still the world is crooked

got a call today waking me up from my nap

from a friend

who just got back from visiting her daughter

in Dallas

and was calling to check in

see what i was doing

i said nothing much

trying to catch up on sleep

planning a vacation

she said they could come over

if i was up for a visit

unless i was sleeping

i told her i was sleeping

and would talk to her later

i have no idea who it was

bhava

"Bhava" is the Sanskrit word for "feeling", "emotion", "mood" or "devotional state of mind".^[1] "Bhava" denotes the mood of ecstasy and self-surrender and the channelling of emotional energies that is induced by the maturing of devotion to one's 'Ishta deva' (object of devotion).^[2]

After getting the stitches removed and a serious cleaning this morning, I headed home where I wondered what to do next. Last night while looking for a phone number, I had come across a schedule for Bhava Yoga Studio I tossed into my files a couple years ago. So it popped into my head to check the schedule. It indicated there was (or at least used to be) a class at noon, which was 20 minutes away. What the heck--off I went.

Pulling into their parking lot in Edo, I was encouraged by another car pulling up and a young lady getting out with a yoga mat. Indeed, yoga hour would start in a few minutes!

Words would fall short of describing the class, the first I have attended in at least five years--maybe ten. I was surprised at how manageable the experience was. I left feeling high as a kite, and sore enough to know I just had a really good workout. My attitude and posture and serenity have been soaring since. It feels like I got a really great deep massage--from the inside out. I feel totally different being in my body than I have in weeks, at least.

For those in the Albuquerque area, I highly recommend checking them out. Their "yoga hour" sessions are conveniently scheduled and a mere $5 (cash). Info at: bhavayogastudio.com

Namaste, y'all!

Jai and Joe

So anyway, I told him I was in a band
He said, "Oh yeah, oh yeah - what's your music like?"
I said, "It's um, um, well, it's kinda like
You know, it's got a bit of, um, you know."

Ragga, Bhangra, two-step Tanga
Mini-cab radio, music on the go
Um, surfbeat, backbeat, frontbeat, backseat
There's a bunch of players and they're really letting go
We got, Brit pop, hip hop, rockabilly, Lindy hop
Gaelic heavy metal fans fighting in the road
Ah, Sunday boozers for chewing gum users
They got a crazy D.J. and she's really letting go

Oh, welcome stranger to the humble neighborhoods

--Joe Stummer, Bhindhee Bhagee

I wondered why receiving a distressed outreach call would make me feel better.

Jai is like a brother to me, and I feel sad when he is suffering. He is struggling with health issues on top of a host of stuff, and as years pass without resolution, there is a toll on his motivation. He has a harder time turning away from the world's conspiracy than I do, and I think this affects his serenity also. But I relate to much of his journey. What is left to do, in these overwhelming times? Where to begin?

For me, I begin with a realization. I have declined the jackal thought in my head that it's just a case of "misery loves company." That phrase itself is rather toxic and judgmental, isn't it? What I observed after getting off the phone is that I had more motivation to do things I had put off, to clean the house and get the light switch covers screwed on. When I considered why, it was that I had to get stronger--for Jai.

It's kind of a strange progression of thoughts I suppose. But I have been mostly in my own world for some time, and simultaneously lacking motivation. I didn't realize the two were connected. Maybe others are different, or maybe it's an obvious point I am coming to. I realized I live for others, and am motivated far and above all else by love.

Platonic love, romantic love, spiritual love, it all runs together for me. Jai has been a mentor to me, and I just wish to see him well--shining, in fact. And imagining maybe I can help someone I care about, offer empathy at least, brings up my life energy to try. And then I can help myself too.

For we are in this together. And realizing this changes the landscape of possibilities.

-----

After the call, I finally tried out my new cheap CD player.

I'd been trying to copy Joe Strummer's Global-a-Go-Go for a friend. I decided to listen to it, as I was winding down last night. There's something about that guy that also contributes to me feeling more alive.

It's odd. I mean I completely blew off the ABQ folk festival this weekend. I had no interest in the nice fiddling folk stuff. To be truthful, those kind of music circles tend to bore me nearly to tears. Yet listening to a CD i've heard how-many-times brings my spirit to life. Why?

I think most people are referring to something different when they refer to music. Almost everything others do in that regard is hollow for me. Not that I've done much. But Strummer reminds me of what it's all about. How? He was a punk rocker, with an apparent drinking problem, who by most accounts, was bipolar and troubled for years.

It's his spirit, the emotion he puts into the music. He has something to say, and he does it by synthesizing genres, by using acoustic and electric instruments, by committing to each note he plays and sings. That's my guess anyway. He has an attitude I recognize in my favorite artist, Ani Difranco, Jerry Garcia, Utah Phillips, David Byrne. Most have had a fair amount of trouble in their lives. People call them geniuses, usually after the fact.

But I think the right word is passion.

In any case, it is a strange appreciation-thought that listening to Strummer stimulated. It is not intended to be an idolization. Amidst all the schlock of the world, and all the trouble humanity is in, I felt grateful that Life would have the generosity to manifest the existence of a Joe Strummer, and support the expression of his passion. It reaffirmed the goodness of things for me.

It's weird that people get spiritualized by others, but I guess some people just have a light they shine that gets seen by others.

My friend Alex was right, it is a pretty cool way that he left too. At age 50, his heart just gave out from a congenital defect, as he sat on the couch after getting home from walking his dog. As I approach 50, it reminds me not to worry too much about the whole mortality thing. But to keep turning toward the passionate fire, the light of compassion and emotional commitment, even if I can't see where it leads.

Maybe someone else will.