pv

I am relieved to be having a thinking-clearer day, much more relaxed, yet still active, getting plenty done in support of my landlord's quality of life.

PV, as he is known to my appointment book, is an interesting older man. He recently turned 80, has been recovering from a heart attack the last two years, and is vision-challenged. Yet he remains generally very positive and independent. He is continuing to learn French, and remains active with projects around the house. His nearest family on the West Coast, he relies on a loose network of local support, and quite adequate retirement savings, to meet his various life needs.

We formally have a trade agreement of transportation in exchange for rent on the small yet lovely guesthouse in which I reside. Yet our connection has various elements. I think it provides PV security to have someone around most of the time, in case some crisis arises. I also provide PV with some companionship and conversation. Due to his active, curious, and politically savvy mind, I think it is useful to him to have someone to talk with. (It is fortunate we find common ground on most things political!)

I feel I have been pretty steady and responsive to other needs as they've come up. This is not without its challenges, as sometimes it involves events like an urgent late night call...to acquire a compost bucket the following day. I am fortunate to have practiced empathy in recent years, so that I can usually get out of the way of my own potential reactivity, and thus respond appropriately.

While I am not PV's primary caregiver, in the strict sense of the phrase, there is an interesting dynamic to our relationship. I find it most challenging when placed in the role of a social worker (a position I was not very effective at during a brief paraprofessional stint as a case manager--likely because I have difficulty judging others.) I prefer to see everyone as autonomous and capable individuals, so it is confusing to me when someone acts in strange or incompetent ways.

So far this has only come up once with PV, when he got angry with me amidst his confusion about what we earlier had agreed to do. It seemed that no matter what approach I tried (including letting go of the plans) he got more aggravated. Fortunately, we figured out he hadn't eaten that morning and was suffering from low blood sugar, which was easily remedied.

This incident did give me pause as to the question of my role with PV. Seems clear it is up to me to make the 911 call if there is a health crisis. But it seems a crisis in mental competence could be more complicated! I have committed to drawing up a support-person list in such cases--other people in PV's life who could advise me in such circumstances. Fortunately, it has not come up again.

I appreciate the growth that the challenges of this relationship has fostered. It has improved my patience and flexibility a great deal, as well as my ability to set and negotiate boundaries in a pretty healthy way when I need to. It was very helpful to realize and accept that this is one of my primary relationships currently--this shifted my frame of mind somehow to be more spacious around PV.

While we are not family, there has grown a friendship between us. This helps balance out the koan of whether my ever-expanding position (transportation, food and supply gathering, coordinating appointments, landfill runs, domestic service, etc.) is one of service or servitude. In this kind of way, I am working through the complex dance of practicalities and just-being-present that most relationships involve. And to succeed for over eight months now, with minimal and decreasing drama--this is something I celebrate.