space

I am in a strange place.

I am not sure who I am right now. There are no reflections that remind me of anything I know to be real. There is no impetus to do this or that, to go here or there. There is this comfortable inexpensive hostel filled with empty conversations I have no place in. There is this person or that one I could try to find. My body is relieved to be free of suffering, yet has little interest in interacting. I am not sure I am even in Nicaragua anymore.

I remember some farms along the way, some desire I had to learn something about that. I was taking pictures until my camera broke. There were some meanigful conversations with a couple new friends up in Ocotal, and a nice general sense of getting to know people in this country. There have been lots of bugs along the way, broken shoes, infections, illness, and disappointment as of late. Maybe that's what I'm feeling.

I made it off the island of Ometepe, I think. I've never been around volcanic energy before. There is something almost human about a volcano, a spirit that is very powerful and large. Twice I imagined turning into a statue. It is two weeks and four permaculture hostels later, with bug bites healing, a chipped tooth, food poisoning overcome, and brief energetic conversations with a number of women fading.

There is still some reckoning to be done, I am just not sure what it is. I begin by carving this space for the feeling of disappointment. While it has no context to exist within at a party hostel, I will begin my journey again here and with this, and see where such a conversation leads.