tracking the muse

I realized a couple things today, starting in the rose park under a gigantic gorgeous cottonwood tree. The essential upshot is that

Adventure calls.

With my 150 lb frame, torn-up shoulders, sensitivity to insects and heat, poor economic outlook, plus experiencing the two worst experiences of food poisoning in my life, you think I might be ready to just chill out. Not even close.

I have gathered nearly all of the strength I lost during the last three months of travel, illness, poverty, cultural readjustment, and the like. My core is perhaps even stronger, and my mental viewpoint is far more enlightened through the experiences of travel.

But the US is wearing on the soul, and steals wisdom back. As much as it promises--even transformationally--I am tired of its fantasies. I am tired of listening to Benny and the Jets every day at work... music plans that never come together... playing it safe... being alone...

More importantly, I am tired of the pervasive fear that underlies all existence in the modern civilization of the northern hemisphere... the worry over things unseen and unverified... the absolute lack of real politics...

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I don't know what the adventure looks like yet. A dozen scenarios have presented themselves immediately, some near to here--yet alive in their confrontation of the postmodern illusion. Some are far away. Some are internal adventures, some relational, all juicy, all creative. Creativity is not about singing a song, it is about listening to the muse.

My lessons are derived from dissatisfaction and disaster. I have learned to heal myself from myriad illnesses and injuries by way of a focused mind; thus I have learned the power of focus. Now I know we have been dosed with radiation from Fukushima, I just don't know how much or for how long. It is at the moment far better to live in complete denial of this entire phenomenon, and so this is what you see the masses doing.

But facing the truth of things has never let me down. The mass disillusionments of childhood, the courage to see the frightening conspiracy of power in the world are no exceptions: all suffering serves a purpose to awaken us to compassionate coexistence. We will unfurl massive transformational technologies once we learn to love, for then we can apply our minds to the true tasks at hand.

This commitment of my life energy has never wavered. I have never had interest in personal dreams and anytime I have pursued them, I have been disappointed. This being the nature of our selfish culture, I do participate in nonsense in order to fit in and find some company. But I just have never really understood all this attachment to the self, to personality, to impressing people.

At the Joe, people are promoted by showing aggressive self-interest and then managing the ensuing tasks. I have no interest in that and so I have become a wall-hanging there. My interest is in being part of a team, excelling in service to others, learning, offering my talents to the collective effort. Where does that get me here? Blank stares and cross-eyed looks of confusion.

But travel to a socialist culture, a place where a revolution was fought against the imperialist world order, people whose sons and daughters were sacrificed for the cause of freedom... and suddenly you realize the world as you knew it was as upside down as you always suspected.

And it's starting to dawn on me: then there is no going back.

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Dance keeps me alive now.

Two days out of the week I am made sane by two hours of wordless, core-burning, joint-wrenching, human weightlifting in the name of beauty and touch and play. There are at least a couple dreams that arise from this blissful vibration. A couple weeks of research to see if there is any adventure path beginning right here in Santa Fe? I am impatient.

I have no home again, so what is the likelihood I will re-invest in the entirety of fitting in here? Likely it's a couple months and a couple grand and then it's game on.

It is good to know this. It is a step. But what game? Decision-making has never been the most efficient way for me to move forward, especially up here in the thin air of Santa Fe. Rather, I will do everything, take a bite of each inspiration, see which unfold, and allow commitment to arise.Yogic poly mono loving south west magic medicine jazz cajun wwoofing teaching empathic bioremediation ok?

If I stay around, be sure it'll be in maximum effort to serve and protect life, neutralizing radiation and ignorance, eradicating GMOs and greed. If I go, it is the ultimate victory of innocents, who will no longer be murdered by silent drone bombers financed by my tax dollars. Either way, a win for the Earth, a win for those comrades with the biggest hearts to share, even a win for my own aliveness.

Some people who meet me think I am very nice. Then often they are surprised and hurt by how mean I can be. I am neither of these people, but the one that shows up after all that.

At 49, I am as pissed as ever at things.