never again

when i was a child i learned about the genocidal nazi atrocities and knowing i was german took a nonviolent vow known as never again, that is to do all in my power to never collaborate in any way with genocide

growing up in a family and culture based in denial, i began to act out in a way, becoming an intellectual due to a mental insistence on not accepting the same kind of bullshit that led to the rise of nazi germany, where good germans meekly said we didn't know

at 19 i turned to an extremely esoteric shinto philosophy called the kototama, which insisted that i could self realize by becoming aware of the nature of the sound vibrations underlying language, and then could help guide society to a peaceful transition

although troubled by the reagan years' turn our country hard to the right, and my growing sense of collaboration in cia atrocities, i held onto a dogmatic sense of solipsistic grandeur until i was 29, at which point i was studying the holocaust with a dying professor who had been a student of hannah arendt, whereupon while attempting to protest the gulf war that was raging, i suffered the first of two psychotic breaks that year

i recovered my personal life through my thirties, and learned to take better care of myself, until 9/11 hit and political awareness in the form of learning of the massive conspiratorial forces in the world, which i became convinced were behind everything from the banking system to 60s assassinations to 9/11 to media control and beyond

now having detached myself from said banking system, i seek other actions to restore personal integrity, reading every conspiracy idea desite how horrible the world now appears to me, and sorting through them despite how annoying and dogmatic and offensive so many fellow conspiracy theorists are

i do this out of the same commitment to at the very least honor my commitment to never look away from the hard truths like my german ancestors did, and never shy away from disagreeing with the overwhelming mass opinion, despite how difficult this sometimes makes my life

and what i find is that never again is now

creative discontent

I found a clarity last night I had been seeking for a week or two, stimulated by an question around how to blog about my inner process with honesty and integrity, while in a growing relationship I value and am prioritizing in my life.

I realized, as is often the case, there is something slightly unexpected going on, which upon discovery turns out to be quite obvious. What I realize is that to be honest about the relationship, I would be endlessly blogging profound celebration. And even the most romantic devotional soaring poetry would do little justice to the actual intensity of joy of even a single moment of the relationship itself, like the feeling in my chest when I first glimpse my sweetheart bella sonrisa from the steps of the railrunner I am now travelling on regularly.

But not to write about it implies it is not the most precious thing in my life right now, which is clearly not the case, so perhaps I have made this a bit more clear now.

I also discovered that my internal process, relationship aside, has a certain use for creative discontent, and thus my bloggin tends to focus, as my journals do also, on the seeming negative. But really, whether it is conspiracy stuff, or the confusion of what is arising out of the shadows of my subconscious, or expressing some uncomfortable emotion, or embracing some personal wretchedness, there is great value in allowing it to move, change and be fully revealed. It is a way of allowing through the callings that life has provided--the juice that comes for the hard work it sometimes takes to bring forth the new composition, or the practice focus, or fleshing out the next work possibility, or simply to attend to the mystery of Spirit, amidst a world where needs are not always met, and thus staying in touch with the essential drive to alleviate suffering in the world

and for this reason it has asked me to call it creative discontent

restorative justice circle

yeah feeling clear headed today, not sure if it's the beautiful weather, getting outside the refrigerator today, having some interesting dreamscapes come through last night, some good nights of sleep, moving my wallet out of my left pocket thus relieving sciatic symptoms, or the general benevolence of being alive, and also in love

another contributor could be last night's interesting meeting around restorative justice circles, there were five of us this week, including a newcomer who asked interesting questions i appreciated

and the host, who has done offender-victim mediation work for a few decades and continues to be active in creating restorative justice circles in new mexico through her work with Outcomes, a social work organization receiving referrals from several other agencies

we continued working around the scenario i brought to the group last week, one which i was very stirred up about, the murder of eight Afghani boys a couple weeks ago, roused from their sleep, handcuffed and shot by US military

while it is a stretch to imagine applying what we are doing to such an international incident, we needed something to practice on and roleplay, and i appreciated others' willingness to work on this particular incident with me, i had been feeling very peripheral to the group and this process allowed me to find more meaning in it than i had

without knowing the details of the incident, i stepped into the role of an uncle to the murdered boys, barely containing my rage at what happened, coming to the group process out of a desire to do something besides the violent vengeance that would be a temptation to someone who has lost so much without purpose

and the next day i heard a report on democracy now that there is indeed an uncle who is active in the process of trying to find some publicity, some help, something for dealing this tragedy

in any case, i was impressed with the process, imaginary as it was, for there was something healing for me in going through a process which led to some concrete actions for reconciliation, moving forward in a way that gave an alternative to another-eye-for-an-eye, including a public international apology by a US general, a tree planting ceremony, and the formation of an Afghani restorative community space which would allow international networking/monitoring of the ongoing situation

whether or not it could happen, it was reassuring to me to see enemies move beyond their official roles, and begin to be simply human beings with one another, and perhaps the imaginal landscape is one place we can at least begin this healing work, i know it made it all for me that much more real

honesty

honesty

is apparently

a work in progress