slow-roasted

of all the things i feel gratitude for this morning, i will mention one, a kind of mission statement overheard at winnings cafe from Matt the coffee roaster:

i feel i'm teaching the world to be less instant in every way

whassup

i had a list i really did of all the things worth writing about but i left it home and now i can't remember anything because yusif's is still closed but at least he has a scribbled note up about it now so i stand here at the unm console where if you come early in the day there is plenty of time to be online so long as you don't mind standing which i do hence the impact on my memory

i think one of the things i was going to write about was how much my energy has come back since getting angry at the kale falling out of the miniscule refrigerator as i was trying to close its door and my hand got caught somewhere in between prompting a fit of kale throwing and ever since then i've felt much more self-connected maybe because the springtime with the passing imbolc pagan holiday is now surely near and that being the time of rising energy and in oriental medicine the season of anger (as shoots must push up through the thawing earth) and in other traditions time for cleaning which i have also been doing zamboni-ing the box at work and cleaning out corners and then the kitchen at home also this morning including some remnants of kale

i put a post on craigslist again today calling for a bluegrass band cuz i just saw the old former quartet now trio is opening for the funk band i want to go dance to tonight and i thought gee if they can get gigs opening up for rocking bands and everyone else in this town can get gigs why the f*ck can't i so hopefully this is one of those moments when my anger/envy is so over the top that i actually follow through and do some such thing as form a band for the first time around what i want to do even if it isn't exactly what i want to do ultimately cuz to do something well and have at least a democratic say in the process of what we decide to play hence no murder ballads is worth doing even if i sound like some sad sack carter family old folk redo

mostly i am reflecting how life is so great these days i have money to buy the subaru i'm looking for plus i had the luxury of a hot bath and laptop usage upstairs yesterday to end the workweek with a glass of cheap tj red wine and baguette and it all feels so luxurious when you've had so little so long that there is such deep gratitude for it all including the so little so long and now i have a wonderful woman in my life and old friends to watch the super bowl with or go snowshoeing while she's away another interminable nine days

MY ART

i may not be doing much art these days
but i am remembering today what it is that makes me an artist
and it is an attitude

________________

i remembered this upon feeling inspired to get out and get some exercise
so i went to jump on my bike and head over to CNM here in the hood
who i hear have a swimming pool
and see what their gym offerings might be

finding the rear bike tire i recently filled again flat
i instead headed to the gas station on ther corner
walking the bike to its outrageously-priced 75-cent air machine
which turned out to be out of order

so i decided to walk over to the UNM bike shop on the far side of campus
and enjoyed seeing the college kids along central
which reminded me of both the joys and disappointments
of the college endeavor in community

yet more i felt an appreciation for being in a place
anarchistic enough that there are no judgments of weirdness or meanness
toward the sight of a 46-year old doing his thing
walking his flat bike through the hood

________________________________

upon arriving at the bike shop i was pleasantly greeted by the freindly young mechanic
whose repair agreement form indicated that i needed to be a student or staff to qualify for services
so i honestly inquired and was told an alumni card would do (where does one get one of those?)
and failing this also was informed with kind eyes and subtly-lowered voice that he would be willing to do the repair this one time in any case

i don't know if my ripped jacket or homemade wool cap were motivations for his kindness
but i sure appreciated the gesture

and while subsequently jogging (with surprising comfort!) over to CNM
i was able to reflect on how i wouldn't have been exposed to this gift of kindness
if i hadn't found and blessed (or at least not cursed) the out-of-order sign
after finding and not-cursing the flat bike tire in the first place

____________________________________

it is this appreciation of the non-linearity
presented by a life lived honestly

a voluntary not-quite poverty
relatively free of collaboration with the violence
that depends on taking more than one needs

which allows these surprises and discomforts
reassurances of chance kindnesses encountered
and the fascination of an ongoing adventure
in getting one's needs met
harmoniously

that defines my art

cafe visit

today i find the space to be in the hood

nurturing to be in the cafe
drinking matte and watching the oddness
from the corner of the couch
comfortable with cranberry scone and journal

a rotund man fans himself
with the times crossword he is working on
a younger man naps between visits
from his full-figured girlfriend

i query the man next to me
his face weathered by age
yet with piercing blue eyes
if there is anything worth reading in his daily

we turn pleasantly toward anarchistic topics
a kansas farmer he recently visited
who singlehandedly uses
more water per year to grow his corn
than the water used in a year
by the entire city of albuquerque

we move on to his distaste for the we
he considers the cause of so much delusion

along with his general indictment of overpopulation
which in retrospect makes little sense
being so much a result of self-interest
at the expense of the we

nevertheless i am grateful for the interesting conversation
reminding me how much of an individualist i also am
and how my own current journey into we

differs noticeably from years past
when my boundaries were so much less defined
and needs less insistent
within we

for i