after the cow

yeah another challenging night last
amidst these American animals
who seem to not stink like I do

while I am insisting
certainly to myself as well
tomorrow's gig will be fun

I am still quite unsatisfied
with my life here
and the scene

thanks Joe
for not inviting me up to play with you
again last night

despite my pointing out
my band has its first and possibly only
Santa Fe gig tomorrow

inviting myself just seemed too amateur
tho it would have been more useful training
in the Santa Fe pseudo-zen

art of letting go
of all notions
of self-esteem

or I could have been slick
and told you the more appropriate truth

someone asked if I was playing
with the band tonight
and I didn't know--what do you think?

but by the time I think of
the slick thing to say
it's always long

after the cow

and barn
have parted
ways

____


I admit I desire a community
where love helps manage
the flow between people

cuz by the time I'm perfect
I'll be long dead

and while I'm alive
sometimes the least I can do
is protect the beast

yet not only to compensate
for a few of these
personality disorders

am I at least willing
to take the leadership
to find or found it

but because
it is this quixotic quest alone

which has led me
to all that I have enjoyed finding
in this world

the radical Christian activists
foreigners and dancers
waitresses and peasants

with hearts of gold
and a familiar stink

and because any professional world
that forgets its raison d'etre
is like music without a muse

so moos to you and your renown

gotta see if I can learn to clown
find the place people still
laugh dance drink play

smoke love work or pray
at least enough

that I know I'm not
the only four-chambered
methane-belching

cud-chewer
in town

bottom lines

bottom line
or at least one of them

is that this town may be too straight
to support my self-expression

and it's not just because
I self-medicate
strive for a hypo-manic lifestyle
and have no common sense

but because of where I come from
an insane family
and New York roots

it has always been clear to me
the world as it is
is coming to an end

___________________

and so I remain drawn to Amsterdam
a city six feet below sea level

and with global warming
sinking fast

and ugly Berlin
occupied, destroyed again

the last of Germany to fall
in eternal shame
to the genocidal fascists

and the utter chaos of Rome

I understand much of Latin America
knowing no future
and severed from its past

likewise knows only
the fantasy of the present

and Cuba
so often betrayed

yet surviving with rooftop gardens
street music and guts

_____________________


there is hope

one never knows if perhaps inner changes
can generate the adjustments necessary
to assure one's necessary autonomy

I have also met an instrument maker
wishing to form an ensemble
based solely on

dance-ability

and surely one of these lovely goddesses
will remember with me
the joys of our genderedness

in any case
I am over my grouchiness

and quite aware
that within and
or without

change is certainly afoot

STREET MUSIC

well
add tuba to the list

glad I went out for a beer
despite all my slacker friends
being unavailable

as it turned out
it was Mardi Gras--
like I've never partaken of

and even at a semi-dive like 2nd St
there was a definite groove on

strange goddesses dancing
next to dorky guys like me
with beads on

marching out the door and across the street
in some second line tradition

reminding me of the pagan way
of reclaiming a neighborhood

led by a motley crew of
trumpet, harmonium and tuba
along with thirty or forty revelers

and followed by me hollering
in blues scales
next to a seven year old girl
playing her heart out
on a saxophone

cars stopped
the train went by
and wasn't the night sky

jazzed

returnings

when I prematurely believed
I was perfect

God came along
with hosts of locusts
to humble and purify me

when I thought
all was hopeless
my soul doomed by sin

God lifted me up
and showed me
my essential purity

and when I was insane
I was reminded
by a Pueblo woman

that there was only one
authority I needed
to be accountable to

and in an instant
clarity and lightness
returned

______________________________


I don't know why
it is so hard to
remember to pray

everything of value
I've come to
through prayer

yet my attempts
at worldly renunciation
have been as counterproductive

as my ambitions
have been laughable

a hundred bad songs
a dozen failed ensembles
four or five colleges
countless jobs, apartments,
cross country moves, broken cars,
bad relations and self-help groups

have perhaps provided
a practical gravity

wherein everything I've knocked over
in my willful clumsiness

could return again
in flowing lines

to its Source

meeting Pele

perhaps my greatest success

was in surviving a summer of psychosis
where I learned much about lands
real and imagined

was kicked out of college
my apartment
and at least one church

tortured in an emergency room
arrested, handcuffed, and jailed
placed in two mental wards

and tied down
with five straps
to a metal cot

until I could no longer feel my hands

it was there I hallucinated
that Sensei had come to judge me
as he stood at the head of my bed
ready to snap my neck

until behind him arose
a monstrous mountain of a woman
breathing fire
stinking of creation

and insisting
I live

bad tao

sometimes life sucks

seems like whenever I decide to really clean up my act and try to face the world straight

develop a mission plan, set goals, act from self-esteem, commit to being positive,
get my car fixed, exercise, see a dentist, get to bed earlier, practice more,

some boss steps in to remind me

I am nothing more in this world than a pauper, a peasant in the serfdom,
with no rights other than those of servants of old,

to drink like porters, or smoke like thieves, or just get away with what I can in precious moments of freedom stolen on the clock

or

some girlfriend tells me I'm too moody or not manly enough or not rich enough or not happy enough to win
her

or some housemate tells me I need to move out
or some government bombs its own buildings
or some peoples decide to invent private real estate
and give the world over to the uranium bankers

how my fury rises
amidst the temptation to try to win at this stupid global game of manipulation
pretense and denial

soon I may become like the Christians
turning away from this wicked world
letting the assholes overflow this petri dish planet
and hoping for a better deal in the hereafter

for now I will continue
45 years along
into finding a third option

even if today
I can only do it
disgustedly

obvious

curious arm pain learning life trust music wind brass didj
gigs tomato
mojo

ancestors shinto sound tuning forks dreamtime
ceremony sacred
need

love many one


yodeling banjo fiddle bass new singer temp
indigenous emergence
remerging

Irish jumpy music destination song intense
aboriginal Celts
we

paths crying out


happiness

_________


it is obvious
as it occurs to me

and there are the ravens
three right on cue

the answer to this koan
regarding 2012

Hopi, Mayan, Shinto,
sunspots, Nostradamus,
and all the rest

is that we are simply
re-entering

dreamtime

_________


my Shinto teachers
were messianic about it

which for me is complete
insanity

because of course I would
try to do whatever it takes
to save the Universe

or whatever it was

__________________


what I do now
is my part

I pay attention to things
to energy, to coincidence
to inner guidance

and these senses
I find quite strong
and accessible

now that I've gotten away
from much of the mindwash

the last eight years were
psychically very tough

and while I do not think
we're out of the woods

I am pleased to realize that I
and that we
are not ultimately in charge

hallelujah

__________


the truth of the matter
as I see it

is that the way of separation
as my teachers called it
is nearly over

the veil lifting
between the dimensions

the quality of our thoughts
matters more and more

as does the quality of our vision

and most of all
the quality of our

compassion

__________


attention useful chakras weather relations
loving nurturing
flow

and that is why I spend so much time
giving voice to the
obvious

changes in light


those dreams in our hearts
all coming true
now

may they be beautiful
arriving early
tomorrow

juicy peach tasting


forgiveness

OBLONG

it could very well be
I have become too large
for the space I've been in

I wonder if there's a workspace
I can create

where I don't bang myself

I wonder if there's a homespace
I can find

where I don't bang myself

I wonder if there are relationships possible...

I wonder if there are towns
my expression of who I am

wouldn't be so insulting to so many

__________________________


lately I've been trying on
a new persona

a bearded one
who speaks a little Italian

as he throws his phone number
at grocery store cashiers
in the midst of their work

doesn't hesitate to
calmly tell people
he doesn't appreciate being judged

and comes up with brilliant ideas
at the right moment
like offering to cook dinner
for an attractive new acquaintance

so far I am receiving positive feedback
on this bolder and more comfortable self

and the Italian definitely seems to help

________________________________________


and this way at least
if people are going to be offended
such offense can be achieved

with minimal cost and
before they think I am someone other

than some odd mutt dog
with short legs and big snout
high needs for affection
louder bark than you'd guess
doesn't bite

I could go on
but the next metaphor
and surely you would think of me

strangely obtuse

sincerely offering
simultaneously oversensitive
surprisingly overblown

and most certainly

oblong

HUMBLE DAY

I wonder if I should start a separate blog
for when I feel less enlightened

it's a humble day
I cleaned my house

sent myspace invites
to be friends

thought to write more
about emergence

but would've had to find
that buried Arendt book

and I didn't feel like
banging another knee
in my too cramped place

where the mice leave rice
all over the floor
after crunching through

their midnight mouse fiestas

Hannah

I realize my poetry style is actually
a mix of some bad drunken street rapper
with Hannah Arendt's books on
political theory

she was a poet like myself
who did not rhyme a thing

and ultimately abandoned the form
for thick prose of nearly endless clauses

in order to attempt to describe the
human condition and the origins of fascism
to herself and the world

her presumption of
the benefit of a separation
between public and private worlds

was a vast indulgence
dooming most of her conclusions

to be nothing more than a reflection
of the last thing she would ever want

the display of a personal psychology
of privilege writ large onto the world

while not without its merit
she would cringe at the thought
that it was her life that was likely
more important than her writings

and that as a German Jewish woman
poet, and philosopher of great intellect,
her passion to say SOMETHING on the matter
was itself a flame that burned through much
illusion

nevertheless it was her poetic moments
which were most meaningful to me
even if written in the form of prose

and ultimately assisted me
in my shamanic encounters with
the mental wards of Thurston County

for it may well be true:

even in dark times we have the right to expect some illumination and it may well come less from theories and concepts than from the weak, uncertain and often flickering light kindled by men and women under almost all circumstances and shed throughout the timespan given them on Earth

THE EMERGENT LINEAGE

Jerry couldn't play a clean riff
if the entire counterculture
gave it every last mantra

Neil's electric
would be laughed at
if he were up and coming today

and Jorma's is considered
by most connoisseurs
to be downright awful

but where would we be without them

spacing the lyrics
missing rehearsals
getting booed off the stage

Starship's muse had no balls
--it left with two pillars of grunge
and their rhythm-driven Tuna boat

CSN was pretty and all
--but it was Y's off-kilter
that set it sailing

and the Dead
would simply be

unimaginable

_____________


it is not strictly
the alteredness
each of these men wrought
on their bandmates
and audiences
which bore their music
life

it was the insistence
of a voice
ugly as it may have been at times
to some

to speak itself

through its encounters with structures
it needed
but could not fully abide by

(the prior sonic images
already captured)

and even destroyed
carelessly
and without regret

in order that

through an invisible
inherently broken
and uninheritable lineage

the unimaginable could
of its own urgency
emerge


all around the borderlands
creative souls
must wander

professional soapbox

I almost just booked a flight to New Orleans: they are very cheap, and it is on my short list of places to check out--music, vibe, poverty, party-ethic, tantra girls, ethnic mixing, creole pidgins, weird food, familiarity with devastation, recovering from war...the town has a lot of what I like, and may be as close to Berlin as I come in this country. A friend is going for Mardi Gras, and that's when I was looking, but...

I'm not sure if that's really the best time. For one thing, rooms are hard to find and pricey. (Although I think I could find my way around that, it might not meet my need for ease). The other is that it's probably like Indian Market around here, when it's harder to connect with locals because everything is such a silly mess. As a rapidly-turning-pro traveler, I like off-seasons...accessibility to folks, rooms, good service, low-key off-the-map fun is much higher. Of course this means I have to again randomly decide WHEN to go again!

The main draw is entirely different music scene than what I experienced the other day and night, which after putting myself and music out here so many times, I'm tired of. I hate Professional Music. Even in a living room or a public circle. I always have. Ever since I went to Berklee in Boston in 19frikin81, I have loathed the so-called music made by people who play with technique but no emotion, who consider it an achievement to play a style just right, with all the right cliches, but no meaning or purpose or even the fun of contributing some danceable rhythm to the world. Showing off is fun, but not the core of anything in life! And I am finally clear on this, hallelujah, thanks for listening.

In Berlin, for example, I played rhythm on a frikkin beer bottle, and any other available percussion, my first night there, after getting hauled across town in a tiny car with three other large guys, because only one owned a car which we waited an hour for to arrive...where powerful German rock drummer Andreas (think large, white Teuton...and extremely nice) who spoke German and English but not French, an amazing French jazz bass player Andre (a very quiet and intense Black man with Jaco Pastorius chops) who only spoke French, and Guy the Brazilian (likely the most gregarious guy I've ever met--who invited me to the jam minutes after I introduced myself to him on the street, which was minutes after I arrived in Berlin) who spoke five languages and translated everything, as well as playing incongruously mellifluous Latin guitar grooves...all of which added up to a very loud, chaotic, incredibly fun, rhythmic, often synchronized, hours-long, all-time-great funk jam... with smoke breaks of course, in this concrete basement in some wrecked industrial side of Berlin I would not be able to find again, and mostly which I deeply grateful to have been a witness to, of which I have a few minutes of completely useless distorted recordings on one of my myriad microcassettes somewhere which I will also likely never find again.

That's in line with what making music is to me. Maybe I need to call it something else?

imbolc again

I sat in a couple of music circles today
with a total of five fiddlers
of which I was easily the worst

my guitar playing also
was much too quiet
to try much

hence there will be
yet another spiritual component
to my music plans

that of the miracle
first of healing this wrist injury

and then actually finding
an appropriate genre
for my ahem homegrown style

my hope remains intact
by the realization
I do not play the way others do

and my now absolute commitment
that it will be dance and soul music

to bring forth
the waters on which
even a passionate idiotic klutz

may swim

___________________________


fortunately this evening I met
another fellow traveler

and we shared a powerful mutual desire
to travel to Cuba

that we might bring back inspiration
and living technologies

for the musician,
blissful street dance music

for the landscape designer
the real-world application
of permaculture

to feed hungry people
with homegrown gardens
on rooftops

and for both
the hope of bringing
reconciliation

with our beloved cousins

________________


I met others too
which was challenging
amidst the crowd

it looked like things were loosening up
as I decided it was time to be responsible
to the 5 am morning shift

and also recover from the
bit of stress being an introvert
amidst so many strong personalities

then again it was a sweet bunch of folks
many of whose names I remembered
for at least a few minutes


a ranch caretaker
who agrees the economy is falling apart
for very good reason

that of us coming together
again as a community
of human beings


a tall folk music loving woman
with beautiful energy
who was the host

and who wrote in the cool invitation
to the Imbolc party

about the tradition
of watching whether it is the badgers
or the snakes
which emerge from their dens


a sincere and empathic woman
who teaches at-risk teen girls
at the Girls Ranch

and who has offered her
bright mind and caring heart
to this rich and challenging calling


and a stunning mother of two
including a teen who really wanted to go home

the negotiation between them I enjoyed
trying to meet some common needs

for she wanted to chat
just long enough
to try Italian

___________


If I were to guess
I would say Imbolc
is meant to be
a regathering of community

amidst the break in the winter
after the first part
before the second

so it is likely
a mellower pagan holy time

where people shake off a little
bear slumber

awakening to others
and our interdependence again

and isn't that so cool

______________________


I almost hadn't gone
out of fatigue

but once decided
had such a lovely ride out
highway 14

that even this made
the decision
worthwhile

feeling happy to be doing
as odd and evolutionary a thing

as going to an Imbolc party
beneath a moon waxing
and nearly full

folks to play with

I notice I am very much looking for folks to play with, calling out to old friends and new, jamming with anyone, All Stars again--with Josh this time (interesting), networking to find musicians, etc. Needing to be out more and connect with folks, happy to receive an Imbolc party invite. Three gigs and the CD project with Young Edward. Definitely looking to create a new structure for livelihood, including a somewhat itinerant music-based lifestyle. Of service, benefit dance jams for local organizations as I/we travel who can put us up, paying gigs in there too, eclectic five-rhythm party band, spiritual focus is essential.

Actually, when I try to will the thing, I get overwhelmed with the details and apparent conflicts involved. The only way it's going to come around for inept old me is by way of Spirit. It's the only way anything ever has. Not to say I don't do my part. I like hard work, I just have difficult generating the structure for an autonomous lifestyle. But the coming season--with everyone I know into alt economics/barter, community rebuilding, gardens, attending to one another's needs, etc.--promises to be filled with grass roots efforts in permaculture, farmer's and art markets, and the various celebrations we all utilize to stay connected to one another amidst a greater Spirit. And that's what I want to be supporting and involved in.

Looking for fellow travelers, musicians, craftspeople, clowns and entertainers, dancers and acrobats, folk historians and spiritually-uplifting organizers. 5-Rhythm Earth, Love & Peace tour. If not now when? Anyone got a bus?

For now, I will pray and continue to ferment, gig with the ABQ boyz, celebrate the miraculous coming around of my wrist, strengthen my stamina with stuff like swimming to complement the job-work, meet and jam with new folks and try to collaborate on new and presentable bliss-generating gigs of service. Aiming toward summer for NM-based projects and fall for organizing a travel tour. Good to know others like the Yurtfolk friends out front in this and already living the dream!

banking

I was born in 1963, the year the baby boom ended. In 2008, I removed myself from participation in the debt-based banking system dominating the world. Why? By doing so, I removed approximately $1 million from the private corporations who have enslaved the world in war, poverty and ecological disaster. And I have thus reestablished the integrity which allows me to resume living in support of a peaceful, abundant, sustainable world.

While I've never heard it correlated by historians, I am convinced the baby boom ended with the murder of John Kennedy. JFK, while not without his faults, was the last leader of this country to challenge the rise of the shadow government. He had already acted to restore the government's power to issue money directly, rather than through the usurious private Federal Reserve which continues to bankrupt the country today. He had also promised to "smash the CIA into a thousand pieces", was moving toward deescalating the war in Vietnam, sought to declassify documents regarding substantiated extraterrestrial contact, and was challenging Israel's illegal development of a nuclear arsenal.

It is likely that a combination of these activities led to his demise. Yet November 22, the day of his murder, is documented as the date of the first meeting of the global banking elite in 1910, to form the Federal Reserve, and rob the country of its wealth. It would surprise me if this were a coincidence. If this sounds like conspiracy theory, check the data, and consider the terror caused by private Central Banks throughout U.S. history. Don't take my word for it:

"The money power preys upon the nation in time of peace and conspires against it in times of adversity. It is more despotic than monarchy, more insolent than autocracy, more selfish than bureaucracy. I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me, and causes me to tremble for the safety of our country. Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people, until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands, and the republic is destroyed." --President Abraham Lincoln

“The real menace of our Republic is the invisible government which like a giant octopus sprawls its slimy legs over our cities, states and nation. At the head is a small group of banking houses... This little coterie...run our government for their own selfish ends. It operates under cover of a self-created screen...seizes...our executive officers...legislative bodies...schools...courts...newspapers...and every agency created for the public protection.” --N.Y. Mayor John Hylan

“If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks...will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered... The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs." --President Thomas Jefferson

“I have unwittingly ruined my country… We have come to be one of the worst ruled, one of the most completely controlled and dominated governments in the civilized world. No longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of a small group of dominant men.” --President Woodrow Wilson

“History records that money changers have used every form of abuse, intrigue, deceit, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and its issuance.” --President James Madison

“You are a den of vipers and thieves. I intend to rout you out, and by the Eternal God, I will rout you out... If people only understood the rank injustice of the money and banking system, there would be a revolution by morning." --President Andrew Jackson

“The dollar represents a one dollar debt to the Federal Reserve System. The Federal Reserve Banks create money out of thin air to buy Government Bonds from the U.S. Treasury...[thus creating] out of nothing a...debt which the American people are obliged to pay with interest.” --Congressman Wright Patman

“All the perplexities, confusion and distress in America arise not from defects in their Constitution or Confederation, nor from want of honor or virtue, so much as downright ignorance of the nature of coin, credit, and circulation.” --President John Adams

“We have in this country one of the most corrupt institutions the world has ever known. I refer to the Federal Reserve Board and the Federal Reserve Banks, hereinafter called the FED. They are not government institutions. They are private monopolies which prey upon the people of these United States for the benefit of themselves and their foreign customers.” --Congressman Louis T. McFadden

“All banking is fraud.” --Samuel L. Blumenfeld

For more info, visit themoneymasters.com and http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-9050474362583451279

imbolc

Blessing to all those to whom this day means more than the harassment of local groundhogs. In the old ways, this was one of the eight major sabbaths of the year. The name Imbolc refers to the milk now being in the belly of the domesticated animals, thus portending the arrival of the year's new births. Likewise, while Spring is yet some distance away, it is but one turn of the wheel now. And the turning begins.

It was a more social observance of Imbolc this year, with a weekend filled with dancing and visits. Even the extended outdoor time I try to take on each sabbath for spiritual communion was shared. I am grateful it allowed for rich conversation and also quiet time.

Today as most Mondays I have returned to the grind, watched intended self-care disciplines slip, felt the disorienting results of eating foods which I am currently allergic to, and the mild depression that occurs when enthusiasm slips back into just getting through.

Yet, despite appearances, all is not entropy. Life inherently provides a countervailing thrust in its tendency toward continuing to evolve, organizing itself in ever higher states of complexity. And this Imbolc time is the beginning of the return of the yang/light, by which we can see our dreams again. In the Yellow Emperor's Classic medicinal text, Spring is the time to "give birth again to our dreams." And in the Asian calendar, Spring begins with the Asian new year, celebrated generally right around Imbolc. Hence it is no surprise the two observances tune into a similar current of energy rising below the surface of appearances.

Therefore, I will not forget the recent inspirations of this weekend. The Cuban music I heard the other night, with mandolin included, was so integrative that it rekindled the dream of creating a multi-genred dance-band, featuring Cuban, Cajun, and World groove music. The prayer I found myself in also that evening, after suffering a self-inflicted injury, led me to a profoundly vivid dream and healing. This in turn reconnected me to a powerful meditative practice serving both well-being and effectiveness in the world, which I now begin again.

Along with a business opportunity arising, tantra reflections, and a proposed monthly gathering, it has been an abundant Imbolc observance this year. Wishing all of you abundant inspiration as well in this time of quiet, gently-rising energies!