bad tao

sometimes life sucks

seems like whenever I decide to really clean up my act and try to face the world straight

develop a mission plan, set goals, act from self-esteem, commit to being positive,
get my car fixed, exercise, see a dentist, get to bed earlier, practice more,

some boss steps in to remind me

I am nothing more in this world than a pauper, a peasant in the serfdom,
with no rights other than those of servants of old,

to drink like porters, or smoke like thieves, or just get away with what I can in precious moments of freedom stolen on the clock

or

some girlfriend tells me I'm too moody or not manly enough or not rich enough or not happy enough to win
her

or some housemate tells me I need to move out
or some government bombs its own buildings
or some peoples decide to invent private real estate
and give the world over to the uranium bankers

how my fury rises
amidst the temptation to try to win at this stupid global game of manipulation
pretense and denial

soon I may become like the Christians
turning away from this wicked world
letting the assholes overflow this petri dish planet
and hoping for a better deal in the hereafter

for now I will continue
45 years along
into finding a third option

even if today
I can only do it
disgustedly