i understand these self-centered rants may be of no interest to anyone, but maybe they help define some useful direction for future journaling, or more effective courses of action in general
it occurs to me that my most brilliant thoughts are also the most arrogant, and point to the ultimate futility of the intellectual process as nothing more than projection, the very quality of insightfulness in direct proportion to its relation to my own underlying unmet needs
like the weekend's work within which i was part of an apparent paradigm wherein i am not acknowledged as a human being, leading me to thus bloggingly disavow others' inherent spiritual nature
it is obvious i have entered the first stages of a culture shock, in which i do not understand the rules of engagement or how to meet my needs amidst them, unclear of whether my triggers are primarily based in issues of gender, status, economics, or general awareness of one another's mutual interiority
the prior gestalt likely simply being a restatement of the original gestalt in this life, how sexuality determines a significant percentage of manifestation on this earth, leading to the particular irony of middle age wherein testosterone must be expressed in order to maintain individual health, yet leads to all kinds of increasing conflict within and without
there seems to be a battle looming, for the very right to maintain the vitality of this physical form, along with an indeterminate amount of space for its individual personality, in hopes that sublime caginess may help me manifest but one of these myriad dream-ships impossibly-conflicted, under-provisioned, bottled up, and leaking in the harbor
in a deaf ninth-symphony sublimation or some less grandiose contribution beyond these tatters of an empire i have long ago discarded
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