in the meantime

Day off. I hope it's okay if I indulge in somewhat unartistic chit chat, as I just feel the need to be heard, as to what's going on for me. Computer's in the shop finally, with a line on a laptop also, courtesy of Rich the accordian player, so soon I will have photo-uploading capacity again. And then I can share images of the first blue corn tassles, and the squash plants overtaking the garden

The first half of last night's gig at Chateau Orleans was for me our best yet, as I get a feel for Louisiana-style accompaniment on the fiddle. The owner was unfortunately in a grouchy mood, and it seems we couldn't play quietly enough for him no matter how much we turned down. I also notice I have less tolerance than I used to for playing long gigs, particularly having a fiddle jammed into the left side of one's neck for three hours. I guess this is one of the reasons I've been so lax in contacting the other five bands I've seen looking for a fiddler

Work at TJ's sucks. Just about every day I have to overcome serious stiffness and fatigue to just get to work. Still, I think, "oh today I'm just gonna smile, move fast, and stay positive no matter what." I imagine that this will create a positive energy field, from which I can begin having more productive conversations about kaizening (improving) the workplace for all involved. This has been a successful strategy at the other stores I've worked at, as people respond to my efforts to improve my attitude and offer increased contributions to customers, coworkers, the business, etc.

And every day, I leave feeling beaten down, barely able to contain my dissatisfaction with the entire situation. There's a pervasive energy that's hard to pin down: a rigidity of roles, a lack of awareness, perhaps due to the captain's military background? Is this the "drama" several coworkers mentioned when I started here? I think also the state of the economy has everyone working their asses off, with no bargaining power. No space to request frills such as a thank you for the hard work, extra efforts, keeping a positive attitude, showing up on time and ready to work every day at 4 am, etc. It has been many years since I've felt so menial

This comes on the heels of daily acknowledgments, empathy and rapport at the Albuquerque store for my work and presence. As I was taking my leave, I received hugs, warm verbal comments of appreciation, for my mentorship of others, and--from someone who had been critical of me in Santa Fe--for finding a really positive workstyle. The unexpected coup-de-gras was a touching outburst of loud applause and ringing bells as I was heading out the door. On both a personal and professional level, it is hard not to think of returning. I could save money paying half the rent I do here, receive better reviews and raises, and get promoted much faster if I decided to move into managing, all the while enjoying each day's work a heck of a lot more

Stimulated by my work experience here, and my general experience of San Diego, I am looking to begin writing treatises on several subjects. The first involves the social effects and subtle dynamics of the presence or absence of "Space for Awareness" in public settings. How does it get reconstituted in the face of mounting economic or ecological pressures to its detriment? How can it even be described or advocated, in the settings in which its very existence is ignored?

In other news, after hemming and hawing, I turned down the prized local community garden spot this week, since I am so lukewarm about the job, San Diego in general, and Ocean Beach in particular. I could easily move back to NM in a couple months, and declare it a victory to have succeeded in spending a couple months with the kids while they were here, and really becoming a part of their lives. I will know more after visiting in September

For now I am taking my time, appreciating the relative stability of things, and allowing the space for things to continue to transform here if they wish to. Maybe I'm still adjusting culturally, and can find growth in the challenges of the work and social interactions here. I also want to give the adventure some room, by going deeper: finding the space for intellectual refection on the local zeitgeist, and by allowing myself to bond with life here more fully

I also want to give my hopes of significant musical expression a chance. Even this thrust offers some ambivalence though: at a recent public pizza-parlor bluegrass jam in Encinitas, I was probably only the fourth best fiddler there out of five! With the increasingly arthritic feeling in my hands (due to daily work stocking grocery, coastal humidity, and probably just injuries accumulated with age), the idea of playing violin professionally looks like an uphill battle

Still people seek me out, perhaps because I am a ballsier player than most--taking more chances to play something unexpected, in order to be musical. As a banjo player once told me, "people might not like what I play, but they usually remember me." Last week, this led to my inciting the formation of a slightly disrespectful alternate jam outside the parlor--risky in that it offends people, affects the main container, and who knows how the cafe's management feels. But the tenor guitar player and I, who thought we were just playing on a break, definitely got some hot playing going--and it didn't want to stop. It's been too long since I've felt that

Now, if I would just be alert enough to do something like having taken off with a woman I met to a dance party she happened to mention, I might very well start establishing a firmer commitment to being here. Maybe I need testosterone injections, or just to commit to the old beer commercial slogan of "never missing a genuine opportunity." At least I have the convertible now to look the look of desperate middle-aged single guy on-the-make

Better blogging soon. Thanks in the meantime for your indulgence