backing

it was easy to see the path forward
when the kids were around

not only was it fun to hang out and do stuff
there was such clarity of meaning
in giving what i never got

-----

now they are off
on the next leg of their long journey

and i am back to reckoning
with a lifelong backlog of disorientation

how do i make decisions:
self-actualize and have a guiding purpose
but risk crumbling from overwhelming commitments?

follow support and a sense of community
but have to uproot from here already?

return to comfort and spaciousness
but perhaps disappointment?

-----

all my life
all my relationships
have hinged upon this

attempting to maintain some resource-fullness
amidst intimate demands and money trades
none of which have never seemed fair to me

and yet the alternatives
chosen or not
would usually turn out worse

comfortable people offer comfortable help
that never means much

they can't understand the push-pull
of playing a violin for fun
after eight hours of tearing boxes open
and stuffing hands of cans into thin shelf-spaces

-----

at least the kids know
they have someone in their corner
simply as a condition of their existence

and some serious backing
as they journey forth into this world