hey

ah the finale of a full work week, with but one day off--a sunday at least, before returning to the 4 am shelf stocking for three more turns of the diurnal dial

a luxurious hour at the library computer, for journaling to whoever may be out there and my own head, as my home computer has followed in the dead steps of my tape recorder, guess i was getting sick of the i-tunes anyway, good thing i kept hard copies of david byrne and the like

rear bike tire is flat, but i have two functioning cars, which is not necessarily a good thing, since the registration on the old one expires in a week and i haven't sold it yet, the complexity of selling a car across state lines baffles my little brain, especially since it won't pass the smog test, which means i'm either going to 1) sell it to some sketchy guy for a few hundred to take it to old mexico with my plates on it which is disturbing, 2) bring it to the junkyard for probably 50 to 100, or 3) try to reregister with new mexico, hold on to it to the chagrin of all my neighbors for another couple months, drive it back to santa fe when i visit, and sell it there during my vacation

having some sweet dreams, with some old friends vividly present, they seem to be teaching me that we are all about 2/3 made up of unique expressions of divine love and beauty, and 1/3 each fallible in our own unique ways as well

this maybe my way of processing the horrendous trip to l a i took with my only (probably former) friend in town, which was so stressful and stupid i can't even say, but as has been the wont of my 1/3, let's just say i didn't handle the stress all that well

there must be some divine reason for our failings, some purpose to this temper of mine, but for now i am simply working with the how rather than why of dealing with it, and what i find is that if i allow myself a little more machismo to find room in this oversensitive persona, that pissed-offness is somehow better integrated

work's okay, the boss is better than my first santa fe boss, but not as cool as my boss in burque, i still long to do something else, so i have been asking, and received a dream last night with a very clear image of an upstanding community member even my dad was excited about: a musical priest, an intriguing idea that may just need a bit of adaptation

i am playing in the meanwhile with a cajun accordionist, so learning one of the genres i have been jonesing for, and looking at some nice fiddles in the local shop, and trying to determine my cash flow, including my last paycheck somehow being on hold at the bank, i also fancy the supposedly junk fiddle on the wall at the overpriced cajun restaurant we play at, and am trying to find the right approach to buying it from the owner, because it looks like its got some stories to tell

there are several other bands looking for a fiddler, but i am just trying to hold it all together right now, so we'll see how things pan out, thinking about medicating again, or whatever the appropriate word is, to determine a course through this and to remember how to enjoy people again, but then where do the dreams go, for now i just drink a little too much beer by myself

i noticed yesterday i really wondered for the first time about returning to the ease of new mexico, the relative fun of my old job, quiet of old neighborhood perhaps, the space in general to think, free of all this insane traffic and materialism and bureaucracy and 1.6 million people not including l a (or tijuana for that matter), and i miss friends, and some of the sweeter music options up in priestly santa fe