whinin boy blues

i used to be a superhero

no one could hurt me not even myself

but you were like a phone booth that i somehow stumbled into

now look at me i am just like everybody else

--Ani DiFranco, Superhero

things have changed for me

and i don't know how personally to take it

it could be that chasing a confused 22 year old

for six months has taken its toll

and now i no longer have any confidence

when considering what i might want from a relationship

or where my instincts might lead me

it could be that living in the van for a month

and not eating or brushing my teeth so regularly

showed me how delicate my constitution is

how much it takes to maintain the infrastructure of this body

six months to just begin to catch up to where i was

after just one or two months of neglect

i would love to be one of those guys

who just goes off to plant trees in the forest for a year

and i may yet try

but do i just let the other teeth fall out too

when will i learn to act my age

stay locked into the deadening normalcy

of a decent job that gives me no reflections

that being an artist is in any way okay

that thoughts of paradigm shifting have any value whatsoever

that there is any value in connection to the Earth

or native cultures or pagan roots of any kind

i dunno

zen works great when i'm at work

not thinking makes sense amidst a structure

that makes no sense

but at home with no strucutre

nothing to do nowhere to go and noone to see

not thinking is just idiotic

leaving me not knowing wtf to do with myself

things have changed

i just don't know what my life is for anymore

and i don't think npr is going to tell me

what happened to the revolution

the deep ecology movement

when did i last dance or travel abroad

attend an empathy or men's group

explore tantra or polyamory

or something else new and exciting

money is a weird trade i'm not sure if i can get any further out of

when will someone offer an unexpected idea

or spirit come through with a strange plan

i just can't imagine being interested in meeting anyone new here

i've used weed too much and now i don't know how to be social

without weed enhancing the adventure

and i still miss the ocean and the scene

how do people live in a place where it doesn't rain

for months on end