functionally illegitimate

i enjoyed listening to urban contamporary music today

the discomfort of others, comments and complaints

tinged with the usual middle class racism

i like things out of the closet

and i would like to announce

i am not gay

-----

the thing is i don't actually consider myself

straight in any way

it implies something too linear for me

to relate to

anyway the penicillin is helping the tooth battle

although there are still waves of pain

and moments of acute illness

worked a full day then painted four hours solid

now i have a couple days off to detox

but i wonder who i am

-----

it was only a four day work week

but i have immense swings in energy

sleep 16 hours

or two

i am ready for the land

i have overwhelming moments during the day

my god what am i doing

i need to be outside on the Earth

yet i commit to a 3 month apartment

try one last push to get the health together

and a little savings

but like the rest of civilization

the last several thousand years

as symbolized by the cross

it was a sacrifice

-----

i still don't know why

it's not my paradigm

donation is

benefits

giving

potlatch: the organizing principle of an evolving civilized society

which was squashed by rather deluded europeans

empirical means both to understand things scientifically

and related to conquest and control

without seeking advantage

in some shapeshifting currency

we immediately connect to life when offered the opportunity

and when we remember the imperative to

contribute to life

there is no inflationary value

hence time is restored to its order

remaining dream

alright then

i am playing hookey from

the kitchen paint job

i suppose i agreed to do

when i thought i could just roll through it

but it turns out i'm so busy

and so exhausted

and so stressed

and so on

i mean it's not okay to be sick anymore

to have an infected root canal

that needs to be ripped out

tooth and root

i'm a guy

i can still stand up

so i'm still supposed to paint

-----

originally it was a straight five hundred a month

but i hesitated and then it went up on craigslist a day

before i agreed to it

by then landlady realized she could get 525

and she would be kind enough to rent it to me still

for five

as long as i painted the kitchen

-----

okay

usually i would as i say

roll through this bump

but i finally got the penicillin

which i hate taking but figure it's better to preserve the remainder of my skull's bone structure before the focal infection eats it all away

the pain yesterday was enough

so i got up and started in the middle of the night

and ended up with two hours of sleep

before another stupid work day

wondering if i will head back to tijuana

next week for another cultural adventure in modern dental care

or just go to the local guy who accidently jabbed a hole in my lip

within thirty seconds of me opening my mouth

-----

either way

mortality looms

aging is to a great degree

a matter of toxin accumulation

and toxins are circulating baby

from gum infections and exhaustion

rage at the system and fluorescent lights

laser scanners and radiation in the atmosphere

not to mention the dental mercury and the root canal chemicals

and the trauma

here then we have explained

why denial is currently so fashionable

it is adaptive

-----

libido barely hangs in

amidst prospects of a gaping hole in my head

where a tooth used to be

and penicillin joys for at least a couple weeks

i never adapted to the system you see

and now i am paying the price

i don't know how insurance works

i know this wage slavery is a scam

but i play the game still

try to salvage some sanity

access to dental care

choosing what and when i eat

and other pursuits

-----

my good friend in san diego gets by

with fewer teeth but generally happier

than my other two closest friends

who are both so overwhelmed

that like me

they find precious few moments of respite

the times of catching up and feeling normal

are shorter and further between

the lengthening periods of chaos

car repairs and cycling too far to

jobs we are not sure we want

and that's precisely the problem

with inflation

one thing plies on the next

and it's a slippery slope

all the way

to an entire world i haven't agreed to

except perhaps under significant duress

-----

11 pier parking lot

ocean beach, ca 9210B

is one place it is possible to retire

at least in moments

to have time for the waves

conversation and friendship

trips to the mountains

picnics in the park

music and sharing

it does call for taking a stand

against what is perhaps most accurately subsumed under

the violence of money

and FOR the liberating compassion of awareness

which turns on the benevolent power another friend calls

the electrical potential within every one of our cells

and here is the conversation

i somehow cannot find here within

the shrinking working class worldframe

the vision of the global picnic

it's in the waves

-----

there is plenty to do

work and play all blend

yet it all remains fairly closely related

to a direct contribution to life

others' lives, one's own

the cosmic order itself perhaps

certainly it is better for the earth

to consume so much less

yet it is of course illegal to live in one's van

legally defined as sleeping outdoors

anywhere in san diego

-----

well of course it is say the middle class

who i resent still

even as i dream of selling out at last

even though it is too late

there is no time left

and no way to

fit in

to a culture ten times more macho

and perhaps simultaneously feminized

than i ever could have been adapted to

in the first place

we europeans killed too many of each another

for too many centuries

to play these fucking unconscious gender games any longer

-----

i am lucky though

i live in the world's remaining superpower

where every civility is crumbling

where if you're smart and wealthy enough

you have like the various scapegoats in nazi germany

already left

and i just hope to accidentally time some trip abroad

when the whole thing crumbles

will i be on a farm in france

denmark or argentina

i will likely own a bicycle and not much else

a fiddle perhaps

trading labor like every other serf in history

until i up and die

yet living until then at least

with that shred of integrity

of freedom

my remaining dream

of remaining human

-----

with every day i hang on at tjs

i'm saving for it

one way or another i promise

i will prove to everyone

love matters

i have energy

for nary another

thought

halfway to nowhere

i don't really want to go to the kiva

but probably will

i don't care to continue at trader joe's

but have committed to a place for the summer

i find the prospect of farming in Argentina daunting

but realize that is actually what i am organizing my life to do

assuming the pole shift

hasn't turned the world upside down by then

-----

i want the romantic dream

a little permaculture cottage on ten acres

a trusted partner

and some like-minded communal journeyers

home and some beauty

but i guess i should go

gear up for the apocalypse

instead

-----

it's been an ongoing koan

for nearly a half century:

how to invest in a personal life

amidst times

calling for some shamanic transformation

the new ager in me says i came for

but which unceasingly destroys

what's left of

joy

-----

i have always done better when selling out

although there have been a couple of good rides

on the seeking side

the worst is always this

doing things halfway

eros

yes i am afraid so

it is the only topic worth writing about

since it is all that i think about

pretty much

good thing i at least mean it

in a fairly broad sense

eros as longing for the other

light seeking darkness

conscious seeking unconscious

and always

no matter what

seeking travel

-----

i have just finshed my milk shake

here at the overpriced yuppie cafe

in yuppie nob hill

where I came after being bored to tears

by a non-eros party

and again in the broader sense

yet perhaps no less offensive

a whole lot of middle class

white folks sitting around

being boring

risking nothing

chitting and chatting

no one creating or proposing or seeking

this is obviously a direct reflection back to me

as i considered for several long hours

the need to become more practical

now that i am 48 and such

fuck that

-----

it may also be a direct reflection

that i was just not interested in anyone there

in the stricter sense of eros

i have to confess the only gals i have regret about

are strictly the most beautiful ones

any what-if wondering i have ever had

is a completely shallow affair based on chemistry

weird how that is

i continue to recover from the hoax that was california

speaking of which

i moments ago realized that it was a trial run

to see how it would feel to be in love with someone

fairly consistently for six months or so

i liked it

i just want the whole manifestation now

-----

it is amazing how many women i've pursued or dated

or been in various compromised positions with

the last eleven years

yet in only two cases

of approximately three months each

was i in any kind of consistent sexual relationship

i have to conclude from this

in order to not run screaming down the hall

that i must have a significant need for

eros

-----

i liked sarah a lot

she didn't bore me ever

she is so alive and full of inquiry

beautiful as the day is long

i miss her in moments

but not the insanity

of self-denial

trying to fit my needs into

those of the other guy

i am bigger than that

and far more intense

-----

what is it like to be normal

to think like other people

to imagine you can cut your little corner

of the universal deal

to have a child and partially survive

your date with mortality thus

while the quality of life around the planet goes to hell

because of too many people becoming as unconscious

as i would if i were to choose to be a father

it would be all money all the time and

just accept the rest

there would be no time for eros

no less saving the world

like we are

-----

i wish i had a great punch line

you can probably insert your own

oh well

i'm sure there's more to say

perhaps this:

the chi of the midlife crisis

need not be acted out to fruition

but it deserves at least the attention

it takes to harvest that overwhelming drive

and at least sublimate it

into something

it doesn't need to be a shamanic dimensional

achievement either

just maybe a rock band

or some dumb but beautiful thing

i can do while i'm here