it is the only topic worth writing about
since it is all that i think about
pretty much
good thing i at least mean it
in a fairly broad sense
eros as longing for the other
light seeking darkness
conscious seeking unconscious
and always
no matter what
seeking travel
-----
i have just finshed my milk shake
here at the overpriced yuppie cafe
in yuppie nob hill
where I came after being bored to tears
by a non-eros party
and again in the broader sense
yet perhaps no less offensive
a whole lot of middle class
white folks sitting around
being boring
risking nothing
chitting and chatting
no one creating or proposing or seeking
this is obviously a direct reflection back to me
as i considered for several long hours
the need to become more practical
now that i am 48 and such
fuck that
-----
it may also be a direct reflection
that i was just not interested in anyone there
in the stricter sense of eros
i have to confess the only gals i have regret about
are strictly the most beautiful ones
any what-if wondering i have ever had
is a completely shallow affair based on chemistry
weird how that is
i continue to recover from the hoax that was california
speaking of which
i moments ago realized that it was a trial run
to see how it would feel to be in love with someone
fairly consistently for six months or so
i liked it
i just want the whole manifestation now
-----
it is amazing how many women i've pursued or dated
or been in various compromised positions with
the last eleven years
yet in only two cases
of approximately three months each
was i in any kind of consistent sexual relationship
i have to conclude from this
in order to not run screaming down the hall
that i must have a significant need for
eros
-----
i liked sarah a lot
she didn't bore me ever
she is so alive and full of inquiry
beautiful as the day is long
i miss her in moments
but not the insanity
of self-denial
trying to fit my needs into
those of the other guy
i am bigger than that
and far more intense
-----
what is it like to be normal
to think like other people
to imagine you can cut your little corner
of the universal deal
to have a child and partially survive
your date with mortality thus
while the quality of life around the planet goes to hell
because of too many people becoming as unconscious
as i would if i were to choose to be a father
it would be all money all the time and
just accept the rest
there would be no time for eros
no less saving the world
like we are
-----
i wish i had a great punch line
you can probably insert your own
oh well
i'm sure there's more to say
perhaps this:
the chi of the midlife crisis
need not be acted out to fruition
but it deserves at least the attention
it takes to harvest that overwhelming drive
and at least sublimate it
into something
it doesn't need to be a shamanic dimensional
achievement either
just maybe a rock band
or some dumb but beautiful thing
i can do while i'm here
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