i am playing hookey from
the kitchen paint job
i suppose i agreed to do
when i thought i could just roll through it
but it turns out i'm so busy
and so exhausted
and so stressed
and so on
i mean it's not okay to be sick anymore
to have an infected root canal
that needs to be ripped out
tooth and root
i'm a guy
i can still stand up
so i'm still supposed to paint
-----
originally it was a straight five hundred a month
but i hesitated and then it went up on craigslist a day
before i agreed to it
by then landlady realized she could get 525
and she would be kind enough to rent it to me still
for five
as long as i painted the kitchen
-----
okay
usually i would as i say
roll through this bump
but i finally got the penicillin
which i hate taking but figure it's better to preserve the remainder of my skull's bone structure before the focal infection eats it all away
the pain yesterday was enough
so i got up and started in the middle of the night
and ended up with two hours of sleep
before another stupid work day
wondering if i will head back to tijuana
next week for another cultural adventure in modern dental care
or just go to the local guy who accidently jabbed a hole in my lip
within thirty seconds of me opening my mouth
-----
either way
mortality looms
aging is to a great degree
a matter of toxin accumulation
and toxins are circulating baby
from gum infections and exhaustion
rage at the system and fluorescent lights
laser scanners and radiation in the atmosphere
not to mention the dental mercury and the root canal chemicals
and the trauma
here then we have explained
why denial is currently so fashionable
it is adaptive
-----
libido barely hangs in
amidst prospects of a gaping hole in my head
where a tooth used to be
and penicillin joys for at least a couple weeks
i never adapted to the system you see
and now i am paying the price
i don't know how insurance works
i know this wage slavery is a scam
but i play the game still
try to salvage some sanity
access to dental care
choosing what and when i eat
and other pursuits
-----
my good friend in san diego gets by
with fewer teeth but generally happier
than my other two closest friends
who are both so overwhelmed
that like me
they find precious few moments of respite
the times of catching up and feeling normal
are shorter and further between
the lengthening periods of chaos
car repairs and cycling too far to
jobs we are not sure we want
and that's precisely the problem
with inflation
one thing plies on the next
and it's a slippery slope
all the way
to an entire world i haven't agreed to
except perhaps under significant duress
-----
11 pier parking lot
ocean beach, ca 9210B
is one place it is possible to retire
at least in moments
to have time for the waves
conversation and friendship
trips to the mountains
picnics in the park
music and sharing
it does call for taking a stand
against what is perhaps most accurately subsumed under
the violence of money
and FOR the liberating compassion of awareness
which turns on the benevolent power another friend calls
the electrical potential within every one of our cells
and here is the conversation
i somehow cannot find here within
the shrinking working class worldframe
the vision of the global picnic
it's in the waves
-----
there is plenty to do
work and play all blend
yet it all remains fairly closely related
to a direct contribution to life
others' lives, one's own
the cosmic order itself perhaps
certainly it is better for the earth
to consume so much less
yet it is of course illegal to live in one's van
legally defined as sleeping outdoors
anywhere in san diego
-----
well of course it is say the middle class
who i resent still
even as i dream of selling out at last
even though it is too late
there is no time left
and no way to
fit in
to a culture ten times more macho
and perhaps simultaneously feminized
than i ever could have been adapted to
in the first place
we europeans killed too many of each another
for too many centuries
to play these fucking unconscious gender games any longer
-----
i am lucky though
i live in the world's remaining superpower
where every civility is crumbling
where if you're smart and wealthy enough
you have like the various scapegoats in nazi germany
already left
and i just hope to accidentally time some trip abroad
when the whole thing crumbles
will i be on a farm in france
denmark or argentina
i will likely own a bicycle and not much else
a fiddle perhaps
trading labor like every other serf in history
until i up and die
yet living until then at least
with that shred of integrity
of freedom
my remaining dream
of remaining human
-----
with every day i hang on at tjs
i'm saving for it
one way or another i promise
i will prove to everyone
love matters
i have energy
for nary another
thought
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