precipice

i no longer know who i am
but we shall see

this is a time of change
and i am changing fast

i am saying yes
to trying to relocate

to a city i have never been
with about $600

i am scared of being too old now
to get work right away

i am scared of not finding friends
and of running out of money of course

it has been a good rest from work
but at 3 1/2 months too long now

i am not comfortable with unemployment
no matter how sovereign i try to be

i get bored with work
but more bored without money

trapped in the endless system of debt
it is easy to lose esteem

and the subtle pot addictions all around
confound my loneliness

sad but pressing on northward
i don't know why

but it is what i have been seeing
a life beyond the crumbling city

and beyond the searing desert
where things can grow

i can always retrace here to a backyard tent
or there to a spare room in the south valley

for now let me learn to not worry
to have the experience of trying

with good energy to resettle
the next couple weeks

into a new land
community

home

i am alive again

i almost perished this week
from poor choices
and ensuing injury

prayer has won the day
after four days of acute pain
within the hell of my irresponsibility

and God has returned to me
gracing me with this celibate now
so blessed with loving friends

working it through
could not have been more symmetrical
book-ending so many jaded years

and i am now free
to clown up a road trip
watch sports and work for peace

dreams return from the void
offer some traveling energy medicine
or garden and a couple chickens

utter amazement
humility and gratitude
even somehow

innocence

Third Way

Honestly, some days I am Che completely finished with the system with every clear ideal in alignment with full divestment, and aware of the power of hardness that every leader must have, even if it means a sacrifice of my own comfort and even health.

Other days I am completely driven by the overwhelming purpose to realize a committed loving relationship in my life, which with either of the two women I am dancing in that direction with here, necessitates an entirely different set of choices and also a certain hardness to manifest.

If two callings are in conflict, can either actually be true? 

Today is a day I imagine a middle path, and that is good, for to realize anything at all in any direction calls for capacities beyond the smaller sense of self. It looks like Yes and Love are the answers as Lennon said--the integrity of the Heart which raises the level of reflection to a new ground, bringing in a Higher Power, beyond the idealist/physical paradox.

-----

It is not simply a philosophical matter. My insurance runs out in four days unless I renew it, and I need significant dental work to be able to eat. My clutch will break soon if I keep driving it, and I still have no home, both of which makes me far less attractive as a potential mate. Yet to take care of just these simple matters uses up all of my savings instantly, and forces me to reinvest deeply in the dying corrupt-corporate-deceitful-patriarchal-war system directly responsible for the majority of suffering on the planet.

And that is even if I am ABLE to do so. I was already falling behind all these needs working 40 hours at $15/hr. What kind of magic must I call forth to actually thrive, by taking an even bigger piece of the ever-shrinking pie by more or less doubling that income? Seeing money as "energy" and all that new age stuff sure seems like a morally questionable form of self-hypnosis.

Add this to the fact that I could more or less repatriate to a place where a revolution was fought against this system of violence, oppression and denial. There, my current savings could last at least several months, and possibly indefinitely, and I imagine I could find some quality of inexpensive dental work to get the job done as well. Most of all, I would be divesting from the cruel and deceitful system here in this culture that I have never belonged to. This is not only moral but practical, both internally and due to the fact that the system faces inevitable collapse, likely soon.

Is this enough to deal with the heat and bugs and cultural challenges? Is this enough to separate from the two women I am already courting and bonding with here, in hopes I might someday find someone compatible abroad? That kind of heartless choice becomes one of the hardest sticking points.

-----

I have quit coffee and ganja this month, that I may find a deeper consistency in the source of my decisionmaking. I have used these yin/yang extremes far less than most of my friends, but have found slippage toward regular use beyond what may possibly have served me in either of the tools. Done.

Ganja takes the pressure off, depersonalizing the entire course of events, so that I do not feel such a moral pressure to do anything beyond maintaining awareness of all the insanity going on around me. It is easier to muse upon the bizarre existential conundrums we all face from that chemically-enhanced place. The flip side is that I tend to do nothing at all, while the teeth and car and all structure in my life slips away--not a problem, so long as I am willing to ultimately live as a homeless person. Or exit.

Coffee is the other extreme, stimulating all sorts of doing, to the extent of a robotic intensity. That course would probably get me back in the system. And as long I keep drinking it, I could keep the morality of my misfittedness here damped down. Battle for the self amidst the hell of it all.

Okay, we have clearly outlined the paradox. So let's get to the third side of this right here. Arriving in the Now, it tends to be of minimal syntax:

Heart. Yin/Yang pointing to Tai Chi. Zen. I-dimension unfolding full Human Capacity. Superconscious. Yes. Love. Yay. Unfold something Emergent in the Living Now. Reintegrating Shadows. Ancestral Healing. Empathy Practice & Giraffe Juice. God. Higher Power. Prayer and Meditation. Spiritual Awakening. Magic. Life.

My commitment: Every day I face my ideals, along with the chaos of material life. I attend to both directly, by holding the stress of the paradox squarely now. I put the dimensions into order as a sovereign human being and spiritual practitioner, every single day. As best I can. One day at a time.

Politics

Taking time for presidential politics is rather like walking out the door in the morning and stepping in dog crap. It is definitely best to be avoided.

I write nevertheless to clarify to my well-meaning liberal friends that I would never in a million years vote for as odious a ticket as the Republican offering of Romney-Ryan. That two such creeps could garner any public office at all is a testament to just how degraded the empire has become. It is almost enough to make me vote for the re-election of President Obama.

But not quite. I need to also point out to my friends that Obama has been the biggest disappointing sell-out in history. His course was obvious four years ago before the election when, after saying he would stand and fight the TARP bailout to the banks, he completely caved in and voted for the bailout. Subsequently, not billions but trillions of taxpayer dollars were sucked up by the already rich greedy banksters in the biggest transfer of wealth in history. No doubt this little maneuver punched his ticket to the presidency.

Among Obama's dubious achievements as president, two stand out. His fetish for utilizing predator drone bomber attacks is absolutely horrendous in its murder of innocent civilians, all of which gets so conveniently swept under the rug by both complicit media and fawning liberal supporters. It is also bad foreign policy, serving as a rallying point to unite America's enemies against such deadly bullying. It is in fact state-sponsored terrorism.

Even more revealing was the passage of the NDAA, authorizing indefinite detention of American citizens without charge. This blatantly unconstitutional act which should make any aware citizen shudder in its ramifications. Obama feigned disdain in signing it. Well, it was Carl Levin, of Obama's own party, who pointed out that the clause applying to American citizens was left in the act precisely because the administration demanded it.

Anyone who thus cannot subsequently see Obama's two-faced subservience to the powers of violence destroying the world has only themselves to blame. And I will not be a party to it. I will not vote for this man or for what he stands.

Keep in mind the bigger picture: presidential politics is a sideshow. Real politics happens every day on the streets and in the classrooms, between neighbors and in traffic, in every moment we are deciding how to treat one another, and what we stand for as people.

Effective politics also depends upon how much we are willing to educate ourselves as to reality. Do you really think 9/11 happened the way the government told you? Did you buy the entirely false news package about Osama Bin Laden's killing? Are you sure you know just what happened at Fukushima? Or at the shootings in Colorado and Wisconsin? If not, why not?

"An informed citizenry is the only true repository of the public will." Thomas Jefferson