Third Way

Honestly, some days I am Che completely finished with the system with every clear ideal in alignment with full divestment, and aware of the power of hardness that every leader must have, even if it means a sacrifice of my own comfort and even health.

Other days I am completely driven by the overwhelming purpose to realize a committed loving relationship in my life, which with either of the two women I am dancing in that direction with here, necessitates an entirely different set of choices and also a certain hardness to manifest.

If two callings are in conflict, can either actually be true? 

Today is a day I imagine a middle path, and that is good, for to realize anything at all in any direction calls for capacities beyond the smaller sense of self. It looks like Yes and Love are the answers as Lennon said--the integrity of the Heart which raises the level of reflection to a new ground, bringing in a Higher Power, beyond the idealist/physical paradox.

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It is not simply a philosophical matter. My insurance runs out in four days unless I renew it, and I need significant dental work to be able to eat. My clutch will break soon if I keep driving it, and I still have no home, both of which makes me far less attractive as a potential mate. Yet to take care of just these simple matters uses up all of my savings instantly, and forces me to reinvest deeply in the dying corrupt-corporate-deceitful-patriarchal-war system directly responsible for the majority of suffering on the planet.

And that is even if I am ABLE to do so. I was already falling behind all these needs working 40 hours at $15/hr. What kind of magic must I call forth to actually thrive, by taking an even bigger piece of the ever-shrinking pie by more or less doubling that income? Seeing money as "energy" and all that new age stuff sure seems like a morally questionable form of self-hypnosis.

Add this to the fact that I could more or less repatriate to a place where a revolution was fought against this system of violence, oppression and denial. There, my current savings could last at least several months, and possibly indefinitely, and I imagine I could find some quality of inexpensive dental work to get the job done as well. Most of all, I would be divesting from the cruel and deceitful system here in this culture that I have never belonged to. This is not only moral but practical, both internally and due to the fact that the system faces inevitable collapse, likely soon.

Is this enough to deal with the heat and bugs and cultural challenges? Is this enough to separate from the two women I am already courting and bonding with here, in hopes I might someday find someone compatible abroad? That kind of heartless choice becomes one of the hardest sticking points.

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I have quit coffee and ganja this month, that I may find a deeper consistency in the source of my decisionmaking. I have used these yin/yang extremes far less than most of my friends, but have found slippage toward regular use beyond what may possibly have served me in either of the tools. Done.

Ganja takes the pressure off, depersonalizing the entire course of events, so that I do not feel such a moral pressure to do anything beyond maintaining awareness of all the insanity going on around me. It is easier to muse upon the bizarre existential conundrums we all face from that chemically-enhanced place. The flip side is that I tend to do nothing at all, while the teeth and car and all structure in my life slips away--not a problem, so long as I am willing to ultimately live as a homeless person. Or exit.

Coffee is the other extreme, stimulating all sorts of doing, to the extent of a robotic intensity. That course would probably get me back in the system. And as long I keep drinking it, I could keep the morality of my misfittedness here damped down. Battle for the self amidst the hell of it all.

Okay, we have clearly outlined the paradox. So let's get to the third side of this right here. Arriving in the Now, it tends to be of minimal syntax:

Heart. Yin/Yang pointing to Tai Chi. Zen. I-dimension unfolding full Human Capacity. Superconscious. Yes. Love. Yay. Unfold something Emergent in the Living Now. Reintegrating Shadows. Ancestral Healing. Empathy Practice & Giraffe Juice. God. Higher Power. Prayer and Meditation. Spiritual Awakening. Magic. Life.

My commitment: Every day I face my ideals, along with the chaos of material life. I attend to both directly, by holding the stress of the paradox squarely now. I put the dimensions into order as a sovereign human being and spiritual practitioner, every single day. As best I can. One day at a time.