Living from the Inside Out

How long will it be 'til we've turned
To the tasks and the skills that we'll have to have learned
If we're going to find our place in the future
And have something to offer where this planet's concerned?
          - Jackson Browne, How Long

I am noticing less transition in my sense of self than expected. I have been finished with my trader joe's career for 12 days now. I have no craving to get another job--ever. I've put in my time, and now I am willing to retire... at least as far as the corporate world is concerned.

I feel no worry about doing this at this strange juncture in global human affairs. There has been zero panic and zero regrets with the decision. I clearly gave this last four-year run at conforming to the wage-slavery system its best shot.

Pushing 50, I can see I will not live forever now. And this is a gift. There are simply things I want to do here, as well as things that need to be done. As a start, I am living more as a sovereign being now. It suits me well. I have slowed down and begun to heal my body. I have reprioritized relationships with people. I've done two housesits, one of which I received a surprising gratuity for--a great affirmation on these new priorities moving forward.

I have also taken care of someone's mini-farm for a week, including their two dogs and 18 chickens. Such satisfaction caring for other beings, plant and animal! I was able to share the beauty of the place, and some great music from the vinyl collection, with a couple close friends. It was great to just drop into that setting and feel what it could be like to do that kind of thing. I like!

I am coming alive again, catching up with rest, and deepening my capacity for contact improvisation dance, which helps strengthen my core. I've been enjoying the honest company of a special woman who I am not lovers with, along with a sweet (but apparently brief) dalliance with another lovely gal. I got the word yesterday, before heading out on my travels, that I just did not fit with said gal's vision for a long term partnership. Maybe I should have been a scotch drinker, or have owned a boat... who knows?

It is interesting that, moments before, she expressed her worry at the massive changes society is undergoing at present. I concurred and explained that this is an important aspect of the journey I am beginning. Yet she feels she can still envision what a desirable, secure partnership will look like... whereas I seriously wonder. I can imagine a small hovel in Latin America might ultimately prove to be more secure than anything here in the radioactive, politically crazed, economically collapsing, propagandized north.

Security might even turn out to be paradoxically found, by the strength of character arising from directly addressing the hypocritical violence of the current power structures. It may no longer be out there at all.

Really, there are no hard feelings with her, and in fact I am very grateful for all she has contributed to my growth in our short time together. She is right: I am likely forever burned out on the caffeinated treadmill of debt-based money games. I just see no security in old paradigm ways anymore, no safety in playing small, in getting paid to be a warm body in a corporation. Pensions, suits, savings, insurance, private real estate, credit, and cars mean even less to me than ever.

I seek to serve others more profoundly, and develop skills useful to Life. And that is what I am doing: vibrational attunement, bioremediation, shamanistic studies, permaculture, dance music, and supporting my community of beloved friends. Love? I might still make a suitable partner for someone someday, if Creator wills.

For now, I have put a bow on life's paperwork and stuff for a time, and that in itself is further liberation. Strange how seriously we take those printed pages of numbers and letters, especially when the $ symbol is present. After 50 years, I am releasing the karma of prioritizing money (along with control/security/order) over people and Life. Money, as my NVC teachers have told me, is simply one strategy to meet needs.

Now I know this to be true.