something like growth

rough few days
perhaps improving today
I've gotten rather sick of myself
being so selfish
ragging on everything
that I am seeking to again improve
the quality of my presence
for others as well as myself

I haven't always been so selfish
I have been overcompensating
for too many years of selflessness
where I had empathy galore
but couldn't care enough about myself
to have enjoyed life
feel I deserved a home
or needed to take anything more
than survival-bare minimum

I suffered a lot in younger days
I don't tolerate it much at all anymore
a few days of grouchiness
and I'm done
and that is useful

usually the best personality adjustments
are these
the internal maturing realizations
that last
because the work has been put in

I've looked at it this way and that
adjusted my attitude
opened my heart
got my health together
learned to pray
and more than anything

learned what I really want
and began to ask for it


so I will certainly look back at these
as good times

I am in a band that has stretched
growing in musicality
and I've persevered through the challenges
useful

I have a very cool home
when I meditate I am quite happy
and I have chosen to do this more the last year

I am alive enough to feel
and generally enjoy my desires

and I have experienced
something like growth

I am simply tired
and while I've enjoyed the exercise there
lately I find the vibe at work very unpleasant
and I know I'm adding to it

I am concerned about safety
the place is cluttered
and obliviousness is such the norm
that I think it must be adaptive

we haven't had a recent rash of injuries
but I'd recommend at least smudging


and that is where I begin today
with my self-improvement

realize that meditation is always an option
in any given moment
no matter how seemingly charged or busy

empathy is one of the options
for a quality of meditation

remembering to enjoy stuff
every passing moment has its own sensual capacity

making sure my requests are requests
by putting them in the form of a clear question
demonstrating respect for others' autonomy/sovereignty
such as would you consider

upping my level of vitality
almost always is beneficial
whether from tuning into what I need to be eating
or just getting some exercise
or pursuing the such-nurturing sensual arts

begin serious consideration
of dropping back to four days
allowing me more detachment
from the natural pride
a true retail person takes
in the presentation of their store

good to get down to what the need is there
another option

and smudging