JONESING

i wonder if everything I do I do instead
of something I want to do more
the thought fills my head --Ani D.

I have concluded through some trial and error that the maximum useful dosage for my self-medication is a small amount once a week. Any more than that contributes to a weakening of my kidney chi, and subsequent symptoms of fatigue, poor sleep, diminished libido, and poor concentration.

Why bother at all? I find a communion with life energy that can come out in various ways depending on what my being is needing at the time: deep stretching and working out of stuck energy spots; appetite and enriched enjoyment of food and the senses in general; connection to nature and spirit; connection to self and creativity; being more within music I am playing; the deep relaxation that comes from tuning into one's needs, and shedding the distractions of daily obligations and stresses; living more within the moments, noticing the ravens and sunsets in a more immediate way; the arrival of more social instincts--to connect, laugh, play, dance; allowing for direct inspiration to come forth, etc.

This is obvious of course, but not often discussed. There is nevertheless a profound quality to the conscious creation of a higher space. While I have met very few people (including myself) capable of consistently managing dosage and frequency, it is possible to enhance connection to life, health and joyfulness. And there is something powerful in exercising one's autonomy to alter one's space in service of one's needs, ultimately in service of Life.

I have often thought that a useful minimum frequency might be the ritual usage during the eight pagan sabbaths of the year. One would probably do well to do no more during the winter months when the kidney energy is best conserved. From Beltane through the harvests, there seems more leeway to expand one's indulgences. My desire to drink beer follows roughly the same schedule, warmer weather through the holidays, without much interest during the cold of winter or spring's cleansing time.

But then what is there to do? Of course there is work and exercise and such, in order to maintain health. My question is: what support is there for remembering our humanness, the personal and subjective space of being? Amidst the chatter of mass media, propaganda of employers, the automation of social encounters, and the numbing prioritization of monetary exchange, it becomes a near-miracle to awaken even for a moment.

Those of us belonging to ethnic families have customs and food to remind each other of our roots. And in this remembrance is often a way of being distinct from the outside world. Anglos have it tougher, in that they come home and are often still in the same cultural space there as in the outside world. There is no distinction: shoes and masks are not removed, smells and affect do not change. Although there is beer, especially for the working class.

Perhaps this too is all obvious, the ongoing tension between the public and private personas. The broader question is: how can we effectively move between the two without substances to mediate the passage? Perhaps exercise to jumpstart the workday and meditation to unwind it? Perhaps goal-setting helps to generate the autonomy necessary to fully engage at work.

And perhaps the re-emergence of the human being is always something of an emergent process, like laughter.

And perhaps the key to both is something close to libido, that is, figuring out how to most ENJOY the limited time of our lifespans amidst the shifting circumstances we find ourselves in.