getting over the hump

today was the day
I knew was coming

when I clean up my diet
or otherwise try to refine myself

there always seems to be
the challenge back
from the world

and today I barely made it through work
and was not a happy camper in doing so

trying to find energy without caffeine
sugar and the other depleting habits
I have been off for a week now

now that I am not drawing
from the reserves of my life energy

stored in the kidneys
according to chi based medicine

I am wondering how long it will be
before the new organization of energy
will kick in

wherein I can draw energy from breath
better quality food
positive attitude
and such

wherein I may awaken rejuvenated
from nurturing sleep

it has been many years
since I have not lived in deficit
economically and energetically

and now that money is under control
it would be sweet to also experience
integrated energetic presence

to taste it the last week has been fun
now to do it amidst challenges
of long work days

that is what's on the plate

___________________________

this has likely been the central issue
in the a-priori issue of personal integrity

without abundant natural energy
I've been inconsistent at best
in key emotional matters
as an empathy teacher
or in relationship
or self-care

mostly I've not had energy
to even pursue relationships
no less maintain them

and when may I do something others enjoy
like race a triathlon
or work on a farm

without spraining something
or otherwise falling apart

today without the personality props
the quality of presence I am looking for
lasted less than 15 seconds at work

with no second wind forthcoming

and plans for swimming in the afternoon
were derailed by a three hour nap

_________________________________

I know I can manage a shop
but can I do it without caffeine
and its residual depletion

and can I first even be a functioning
positive crewmember

I know I can connect to universal spirit
but can I do it without medicines
and their self-centered residues

I know I can be a fun socialite and traveler
but can I do it without alcohol

I am sure the answers are yes
but it is high time

I proved it