today

today I notified my bosses and crew
of my intention to apply
for a full time management position

on the fast track no less

which my boss had told me
several months ago
I didn't qualify for

then craving several medications
to deal with the ensuing stress
regarding the upheaval this means for my life

I chose to relax instead
by attending my first aikido class in a decade
and my wrists even survived

it had a very different quality
than yesterday's tai chi lesson

__________________

I am not sure what I am doing
I just know what I am not doing
and I am enjoying the return of my dreams

it is stressful to assert myself
follow through with a direction chosen
and its inevitable consequences

the unavoidable conflict
with others' expectations for me

saying no to other options
and open ended potentiality

receiving even constructive criticism
and in general sticking out

__________________

yet I'm celebrating

savoring the feeling of being six again
where life was rather out of my control

every day a new wonder
or disaster
to be reckoned with

for it seems the world is full of bullies
and parents' misunderstandings
new environments with their weird rules
bosses, punishments, report cards

starry night skies
birds that talk back
dog tails wagging
and ducks so happy to be fed

one day's comfort
the next's fear
one day cold and wet
the next filled with bowls of soup

and as I step into this world again
with some trajectory

I am remembering how
we are so much more resilient
than we've realized