trash day

the trash

was getting so foul
from being rained on
and then sun-baked

I couldn't stand it anymore

the landlord is away a few days
and I have no access to the dump

so I finally checked it out
and amidst flies
and rottenness

the trash bags were completely infested
with maggots
and disgustingness
like everything I've unconsciously
tossed in the last week

or two
from my ever-more suspect fridge
including discarded spoiled raw chicken and such

obviously a maggot-fave

-----------------

I thought to:
bury the three bags (too environmentally inrresponsible)
throw them on the roof (that's just so high school)
empty them in the arroyo (a last tribute to Santa Fe)
break into the main house for the dump pass (too complicated)
wait two more days for the landlord (not an option)
and phone-a-friend (for either empathy or advice)

before deciding a dumpster was needed

unfortunately today was the longest day
and brightest sunlight of the year

--------------------------------

but the smell drove me onward
a strangely persistent aspect of reality
spurring me to action
despite all my instincts to try to ignore the situation

it was so bad
that I had to put the bags in new trash bags
to try to temper the foulness before putting them in my trunk

and then go pour body wash on my arms

but the maggots were everywhere
so I kept freaking out and dropping the new bags
until I had a number of half-assed bags of horror
with trapped flies screaming to get out
finally shoveled into a sack

and tied tightly enough that I hope no maggots got out in the frikkin trunk

-------------------------------

after washing again
I drove into town
like the Long Island Garbage Barge

stinking so bad
not even fan-on-high
and all-windows-down
could mitigate my growing nausea

and couldn't find any place on the southside
so I drove out to Madrid where I was initally headed

considered pouring laundry detergent on the bags
like I did in the slimy trash can I'd gotten them out of

instead left the car parked in the sun a couple hours
fortunately with no cops passing
what was ostensibly a public nuisance

and drank beer

-------------------

reassured by my friend the bartender
I made a beeline for town

amidst ever worsening shades
of now-hallucinogenic fumes

where I join an illustrious group of crewmembers
fulltimers not excluded
who have used a certain familiar dumpster as personal trash receptacle

I buried them but can only hope
deep enough

that the grossness is not so horrific
that people start freaking out tonight about the smell
and bust me

I mean who knows what else is in those bags

--------------------------------------

certainly gives a whole crapload of
putrid food for thought
about the postmodern human condition

it may be in 50 years
that we realize the world is neither good nor bad

neither the new age heaven
nor violent hell that we tended to project
in the old days of now

but rather
an overheated atmosphere
trapping oceans of filth
leaky toxic landfills
and flooded graveyards

with billions of half-sick people
without hope for sanitation

amidst a world
simply more disgusting
than we could have imagined

happy solstice

what a fun solstice day

just winding down now to get some sleep
for early work tomorrow
no time for big evening ritual

after a cooped-up crap-day yesterday
just goofing in cheap-and-sunny Burque
seemed overflowing with goodness

walking the new hood:
I can probably walk to Isotopes Park
see Manny play next week

good strong mate at Winnings
amidst a lovely cool drizzle on the patio
with some of the usual suspects

great burrito
awesome hash browns
didn't even have to break in to my own car this time

puttering around until the folk fest
meeting very pleasant appreciative folks
during jam-with-the-band activities

then unexpectedly signed on
with the band scramble
only 'cuz the timing was perfect

met some cool folks
chatting and chillin

a couple nice gals
a couple Squash Blossom Boys

we sounded pretty good
the fiddle nicely up in the mix
crowd loved Whiskey

I only got nervous
waiting for the judges announcement:
we won first place!

can't remember the last time I won a blue ribbon--
like never?

happy solstice

transitions

feels like the time of transition
has begun

I've been savoring time off in this place
as a final gift of this difficult year of service

perhaps there will be space for a solstice observance yet

amidst the arroyo ambiance

----------------------------

I'll continue to grieve a little
my love for this place

the only place in Santa Fe
I remember feeling at home

is in the sloping nooks
that make up
this soft canyon

years ago
I lived for five years here
in a trailer on blocks

belonging to a couple Okies
who shot at varmints

and made big holes
in which to throw old refrigerators

their old dog used to always follow me down the hill
looking for water to dunk her retriever-self in

and limp and fumble her way back up the hill

for what was undoubtedly
some great nights of doggie sleep

---------------------------------

I've been glad to get back here

the Okies and I put up with each other until
it ended rough but nothing unforgivable
just two idiots with tempers

been trying to avoid rough endings to things lately

paying more attention to needs
like for change

this time I was aware enough
to vibe it out

and get a place lined up
before getting myself canned

so I guess that's progress

and if there's one constant piece of wisdom
which seems to apply across situations

it is to gauge one's response to things

-------------------------------------

chicken cooks
as Cuban music plays
and another night is spent alone

I went out
but couldn't stomach the nightscene tonight
and I was hungry

and it came to me
as I couldn't decide where to go

for just then a hairy young man
cycling like an Italian or Spaniard

maybe a Brazilian

powered across lanes through traffic
reminding me what makes for masculine beauty:

whatever you do
do it with power

and so boldly
I returned home

---------------------

aren't our decisions made for the sake
consciously or otherwise
of those we have defined ourselves
to be in significant relationship with:

although I knew it was time
for both the landlord and I to move on
I did not give notice or push the conversation

because I have a more primary relationship
with the animals
bushes and wind
of the arroyo











and just when I finally got skype hooked up
in order to develop my relations with family
and was on the technology's fledgling run
and speaking to my eight year old niece

my landlord barged into my house
without invitation
with a need of his

and I was so annoyed and flummoxed
I said I'm busy
which I'm sure was his breaking point

my choice of priorities
being to his dismay
quite obviously the kids

this not coincidentally
has moved me a step closer to
potentially relocating someday
to their New York

by getting me out of Santa Fe directly

and unless God calls me back this way
again

I consider myself done here

------------------------

a couple workmates
had their last days today
before transferring across country

good men

one I got a bit close to
through our mutual horror
at the dominance of the reptilian agenda

or something like that

and really this rather absolute conviction
of the world's doom

and not some fluffy new age deal

is what brought me to Santa Fe in the first place
on January 13, 1983

to save the world
by way of practice and
application of the kototama principle
as handed down from ancient Shinto

through Sensei M. Nakazono

because even at 19
I knew the world was cooked
doomed beyond rational re-cognition

and that something radical needed to be done
beyond the standard idea of
building some kind of personal life

and having failed at Christianity


I became something of an expert
on an ancient language no one understands

the vibrational order by which
in each moment
humans create the civilizations
of their choosing

until it led to
the psychotic breakdown
of all conventional categories of thought

this commitment
was likely my primary relationship

---------------------------------

the ancient Shinto documents
call December 2011
the time of the change

and while like the native prophecies here
they do not define exactly
what we are transitioning to

it has always seemed to me
the real meaning of the end of time

was that there would no longer be
any temporal distance
between action and repercussion

and this could be hell
or heaven really

kind of like the crumbling
financial system

for which supposed historic legislation
was passed

merely to try to create new separations
between action and repercussion

--------------------------

the way of separation
as Sensei called it

for worse
or likely better

is indeed
over

and we are growing

free

a
ta
ka
ma
pa
la
na
ya
sa

wa

CALLINGS

when one is well and on track

encountering that which arises spontaneously
from somewhere beyond
the practical workings of one's own mind

one might be annoyed at such distractions

---------------

yet amidst flux
and indefinite intention

there is great use in medicine as such
merely meditation really

occasionally enhanced with medicated dictation

or animal visitation

-------------------------

sometimes all one can say is simply that

grace strikes

yet looking deeper
likely prompted
by the benevolent promise
of a prayer

sent an as-yet indefinite moment prior

----------

so tell me:

is the usefulness still
roughly proportionate
to the magnitude
of flux?

LIFE-WILL EXPRESSIONISM

wow what tone
I love that sound

it reminds me of the hottest days growing up
in the yard

big trees around

I'd always thought it was a chorus
I was listening to

today out here in the desert
I realized that there is a choral effect
in a single entity's song

I'm guessing this is from the nature of the sound wave
that comes off of the rubbing motion creating the chirp

as one wing (or is it limb?)
is dragged across another

the friction of a very precise edge drawn over numerous miniscule bumps

creating a quickly vibrating echo

not unlike the sound of a thickly-rosined violin bow
across a string

yet with the pitch heard only
after long long seemingly singular tones
(almost magically so)

finally give way
with a sudden decrescendo

awakening one to the massive effect
created by a single choice

made in inseparable mutuality
with instincts rooted in Universal Matrix

to sound


-------


and so
I claim a newly refined calling

like the cicada

whose greatest activity
may reside in the song
by which it arrives in the world

it is rooted in simply

resting deeply in
the Center of who I am

old man younger

remember that time
making out in the car
after the concert at paolo soleri
after you saved me from falling down all the stairs
when I was spinning from the too much scotch we snuck in
before you fully committed to your ensuing life as a happy lover of women

that was a fun summer
I just realized it was 1985

remember when we had crushes on each other
and had to make a verbal agreement of understanding
in order to discontinue our teacher-student relationship
so that we could go out for drinks and hikes and poetry

it wasn't the last time a woman already in relationship became fascinated with me
nor the last time such fascination ended as my unsuitability became evident
in this case the erratic behavior landing me in jail and the wards
until you gathered me up and brought me to your house
where your kind lover talked me back from the brink of suicide
and you cooked salmon and kissed me goodbye on the lips
and soon after bore your first child with him

I vividly remember the dappled light of Olympia
yet it was 1991

and how about when you got us into that wreck
after saying you wanted to be with your dead father
and pleading with me not to break up with you
and all the awfulness that ensued
like that morning when you saw in your mind's eye
your best friend being murdered
and I didn't want to believe you
until it turned out to be true

how awful our love was
like when I yelled at you for locking me out of the house
and then finally out of exhaustion
I did break up with you

and that night you slept with the man who was your classmate
at the school I was administrator at
who then took you to France to that healer for your thyroid
and though 18 years younger became your husband
after I forged the papers to release him
from his obligations to serve in the French military
and got fired for all the complaints against me

it was like being on the set
of a 1998 Casablanca remake

______


yet it is this past decade that baffles me

it was just yesterday I moved down to Albuquerque
to go to UNM
have other brief tragic love affairs
watch the towers fall on TV
commute back up the hill for work
and imagined my life beginning

somehow
by way of Minnesota
where I tore up an ankle
and almost blew up a tractor
trying to become a farmer
I ended up back in Santa Fe

and suddenly while
teaching music
practicing empathy
touring Europe
learning tantra
declaring bankruptcy
and watching ravens

another decade passed
and now I am old

too old for you

_____________


yet not so old as I was

growing up in a mixed up home
with its multitude of shadows
in a brutal society at the end of its empire

where escaping the tauntings and fights at school
I became a sugar-fed genius
in order that I could offer with disdain
absolutely nothing for the society that neglected me

and smoking far too much pot
I became unstable and weak
and abandoned by so-called friends for hallucinating
hitchhiked home through the Bronx at 15
to be propositioned by an older black man named Duke
who liked roast beef and Heineken

until I arrived home
already spent from this miserable life
my only comfort all those maudlin Jackson Browne songs
I listened to over and over
and to this day can play and sing
perfectly

yet I don't play them
because absolutely no one
wants to hear those songs
including me

and this litany of idiocy
that has been my life

is why no matter how old
I must suffer becoming

I will always
be younger

than I was

RAVEN MEDICINE

Raven comes by today

and I witness
without herbal enhancement

a new move
one I hadn't noticed before

which is strange
because it is perhaps the most basic:

stillness

_______________


a brilliant demonstration
not thirty feet in front of me

how to be still
maintaining one's position
amidst the various wind currents

and as I sit in mild reverie
at what has just passed

a different bird flies
right over my porch:

hawk! maybe eagle! no!

a red-tailed hawk
new arrival to the hood

comes back over me
and I watch it glide
away across the arroyo

____________

raven patrol follows
two springing up in its direction

but no fight ensues

and as one wanders off
the other comes near

now above me
between myself and the sun
hovering again in stillness

then suddenly--
she folds!

falls fifteen feet
as I gasp

and just as suddenly
rights herself--
as she always has

and is she cawing
in laughter?

knowing

I've seen this diving trick before
it never ceases to amaze me

today it is particularly welcome medicine

it is an essential practice
this art of falling

from stillness
into laughter

____________


I know it sounds silly
but I really didn't want to leave
my brothers here

there will be a new occupant here soon
(maybe here to learn from Hawk?)

the ravens are out here still
playing close to the house

making a dance
of the surprisingly blustery
June afternoon

and just maybe
Raven comes with me
in the moments I remember

to play

BOX TIME

I feel more centered today

it couldn't have hurt
to have said a prayer
upon awakening

as during the surprisingly pleasant
morning meditation of
stocking the dairy cooler

a moment of insight arrived

___________________


when there is a disconnect
in my life

like a breakup
or when my housing falls through

not only do I face the challenges
of logistics and chores
to set things in order again

I also layer self-criticism
on top

why didn't I proactively insist on a conversation
to initiate a more mutual and pleasant transition
this month when I saw it all coming?

(the truth is
because the man rejected that initiative)

and then I layer on fears
that I am incompetent

not only at the caregiving
but relationships in general
and maybe at work too

which of course affects my presence
and confidence

____________


but the real insight
was realizing the feeling underneath
all of it

in shadow as it were

was despair

the sense of hopelessness
that anything can ever be done mutually
that I have any sort of personal future
and so on

and realizing this
I remembered

this pattern of feeling
is something familiar

and it's just nonsense thinking
and I have gotten through it before

and I don't need to choose it now
even for another moment

I am simply human

and I felt better

______________

really this description
is extremely elongated

it actually occurred
in the time in between
one whole milk gallon being
placed on the bottom shelf
and picking up the next

a moment of grace:

oh
despair
heck with that

word

the word came down
from on high

and it sayeth
thou shalt move

thy ass off my property

mating games

i suppose it is possible also
that transmuting the sexual drive
is the key to happiness in this life


how foolish i feel
projecting on women i meet
the image of mother
of my children

very embarrassing
indeed


yet i'm afraid it's what is done
that's how people begin that journey
to bear children

projecting maternal and paternal capacities
onto the imagined frames of others
to see if there is a fit

enough confidence, youth, money,
beauty, strength, V-shape,
70% waist-to-hip ratio

or whatever other silly markers
few are willing to admit to
even to themselves


objectification

i do find it disgusting
which may be why i've never married
and why attempting to mate

particularly at the neurotically accelerated pace
demanded by the sudden onset of signs of midlife

is proving quite unsatisfying
a process


it is near enough to promote
a tantric resurrection

as disgusting as those folks are
there may well be far more integrity there

traveling a likely never bonded path

an open and honest
player

with the courage to own projections
on short notice



or maybe
it's just time
to get the hell
out of santa fe

VISIT WITH DOUG

now what's so hard about that

a friend visits and we pass an evening
amidst sunset, coyote howls, moon rising
red wine and salmon
catching up

and watching the moon
astounded together

he speaks of resonance
with the movie in which
the world is about to explode
and the only thing to say is
so long

and thanks for all the fish

and I speak of how
I've come to peace
with the chemtrails

by concluding
the only thing I am sure about them
is that they contribute to making
the most beautiful sunsets

and leaving soon
after the exquisite
swirling-cloud dusk

he thanks me


for the fish

neanderthal

this evening I spoke with a friend

of the possibility
that 30,000 years ago
humans in Europe suffered
a great psychological trauma
beyond genocide
as the neanderthal humans
passed from the face of the Earth
after some contact with our ancestors
the knowers of knowers

and that it is also possible
there was enough interbreeding
to preserve some of the genetic material
of the sufferings of a dying people-species
in a traumatized collective memory
which would grow to be perpetuated
over indigenous cultures the world over
by way of projected shadow

and my friend understood

weekend

ah little weblog
safe space to speak
from my happy soapbox

thursday was a wild ride
a land of faeries
and endless illumination

friday I sank deeply
into a twitch-healing body-time
and profound wisdom funneling through

today nearly absolute
mellowness
participating in a music festival

-------------------------------------

on thursday
I realized many things
in a general sense

the importance of birdsong
needs as a useful framework
empty vessel service

blogs to chase the images
of sun and shadow
reflecting off of wings

and fragrant
honeysuckle

dancing

---------------------

on friday
suffering through a tough day
with the elder

ah, to drop then into release work
every ache moving through
remembering to breathe

and just breathing a while

until in my stillness
ancient memories began to stir

a time before money
and the long-reaching shadow

being human

and sleeping
found a spark of lucidity
in my dreaming

and waking
found centipede medicine
shy cooperative sweet

quite misunderstood

-------------------------

today I agreed to rent
the basement in albuquerque

performed with
a suddenly cast ensemble
led by a deaf man

supported by a lovely young woman
I had the privilege to play with

lost rhythms harmony askew
nothing much left to do
but play something already
and remain free of suffering

sandwiched by two
of the most memorable sets of music
I've heard

round mountain sweetness
and driving fast heart mart
from the hood

it was a fine
fine way
to spend a day

how strange to see this
weekend
end

nightscene

decided I am a Berliner after all

went out on a Santa Fe Thursday
as I would have if hosteling
leather, black tee, khakis

to look for some dancing

and wouldn't you know it
there's a bit of a night scene
developing in this paroch

-------------------------

wandered past the Cowgirl
to stick my nose through the gate at Corazon

I was flirted with
by some younger girls in black
who I was able to entertain for a moment

some nice groovin going on in there

wanted to check out the seemingly burgeoning
San Fran St scene also
so went over to find Evnagelo's rockin
with some live R&B
no cover

I went downstairs
to see DJ someone
who promised in the paper
not to suck

I didn't stay
the sound quality was lame

back up to the R&B
very danceable
but the gal grooving next to me
said no to my dance offer

so on I went

------------

to the new spot across the street

holy smokes
has that place been remodeled
now called Milagro

nice place
lots of potential

but the music was weak
acoustic guitar singing Angie
with a nearly silent conga behind

what is that

so back to the Cowgirl
and in this time

nice scene
but the acoustic music also not quite
enough to really get the place rockin

some tight alt.dance band needed
with just enough electronics
to rock it

hence over to Corazon
and this time in

---------------

friendly folks
easy scene
dark enough to find a corner to stand in

on the sweet patio
a chill DJ spinning techno

nice dancing by one young gal
she says she really likes to dance
I think one of the previously flirtatious crew

totally cool to just start groovin
on the side on the stage
and enjoy the vibes

occasional excursions inside
to see the live funk band
not bad--crisp rhythmically
need more lead vocal in the mix

nice to have options
but the fun was all outside

where I stayed a few more mixes
complimented the dancer

stood around
and then danced some more

----------------------------

the sidestream smoke I actually like sometimes
it reminds me of what single people do
across the world

go out, smoke, drink
the more dancing the better

be seen in the scene
try to meet folks

express a relatively coherent persona
flirt and enjoy

it's good to feel alive to the mating dance
on some level

as in Berlin
it is okay to be older and balding
have an asymmetrical face
and lack verbal skills

so long as you're just being yourself
there's a spot for you in the promenade
that is the night

----------------

the place is worth checking out
not only for the chill DJ grooves

and the summer patio weather
expanding in broad moonlight

but for the blossoming honeysuckle bushes
on the sides of the patio

so fragrant
you could spend half the night

just dancing with them

love

I finally get what it is to love someone

it's not this or that
grasping

it is a proactive outreaching
outlining a space of interdependence

rooted in commitment to one's own clarity
with an unconditional realization
of another's autonomy

more simply

it's wanting to contribute
to making another's dreams come true

________________________

in gendered matters
is it possible for postmodern women
to fully imagine

being wives gardeners artists healers
domestic partners living in community

alternative economic arrangements
to getting a job
are for lovers and artists
as old as the hills

I am not referring to my own selfish hopes

for a caring presence is a huge gift to the world
growing expressing dreaming helping
nurturing and beautifying life

the contribution to a safe space for such unfolding
yet a dream too for at least some men

those better suited to job structures
and ambition-related agendas

yes I'm sure even alternatives have their challenges
yet if it is what is for someone
why waste time pretending otherwise?

if mutual offering can be done
in a way that respects each spirit
this is a learning opportunity for all

and one form of a relationship
-yes surprisingly practical in arrangement-
I would call love:

a mutual commitment to
nurturing one another
on both spiritual and physical planes

__________________________

the sacred economics of abundance
in service to the world
is certainly not confined to romantic love

it is kindled from our innate human desire
to see one another's dreams come true
regardless of circumstance

a man mentors another man
to become a caddy in Scotland

this too is love

a robed zen transmission
flows from guide to seeker

or hard-won lesson
in the classroom or on the street

it makes no difference

somebody just shows up
with a full commitment to life

and someone else just notices

in that moment
equally gifted

they stand in the truth of
that blessing energy

hearts opening
exactly as much as each is free to choose

out of individual need
for both the autonomy
in honoring one's own clarity

and the connection that comes through
honoring the nurturance of relatedness:

with enough honesty and trust
empathy really

it is an abundant space
indeed

NEEDS

needs are a continent
or perhaps better
a field

honesty
overlaps integrity
and awareness

which relates to spirit
which is also about well-being
and love

sensual experience too
affects abundance
by way of magnetism

and what of birdsong
moonrises
Rumi's indulgences

of the joy in labor
strength
contribution
community

it is a broad field
and as you see

goes by many names

this is the field I would like to meet you in

certainly and far
beyond right and wrong

the essence of the experience of this field is to me bliss
far beyond nonviolence
yet arising from just this

commitment to life

CAMPJAY AIRSHOW

prayer and dying
these are probably my two central practices

with these
delight follows naturally

the only way
I have so much focus and energy for work

is love

is having let go of everything
a couple times in my life at least

the first led to the mental wards
the current led me to a great life

--------------------------------

it has been the Campjay Airshow
on the chilly patio

birds buzzing all around the house
in dazzling acrobatic displays

do other people ever relate about this stuff?

it is about awareness too isn't it

because to really see these things
one does have to see a little differently

beautiful movements occur so quickly
the dancing of chi

that they often occur between the moments
granted by normal focused attention

there has to be an immediate resonance
and that is what develops

with prayer

THESE FEATHERS

the flies are thick bodied this year

as thick perhaps as the sound
a cacophanous concert of birdsong

intricate enough to inspire
electronica

there must be fifty species of bird
all chattering away in their own
very persistent rhythm

as persistent as a heartbeat
as the life will

gentle only in its unyielding

are these mating calls
or more general cries of delight?

celebrations
likely support connection

-------------------------

it's good to move apart from Indian woman
she-who-I-was-not-attractive-to

it wasn't actually her who (thus)
inspired my shaving

it was an older woman friend
to whom I was also suddenly
a 1970s cartoon character

so I continue to refine my song

often surprised at how ridiculously tough
I am called to be these days
how assertive
I feel I must be to get basic needs met

my face has completely changed
in eight months

how are gentler people surviving?

like birds I guess we find our niche
don't know where the hell mine really is
what is a shaman anyway?

writing's not bad sometimes

and the ravens are bossy too
even the ones missing a few feathers

perhaps especially these