Thursday, June 11, 2009

BOX TIME

I feel more centered today

it couldn't have hurt
to have said a prayer
upon awakening

as during the surprisingly pleasant
morning meditation of
stocking the dairy cooler

a moment of insight arrived

___________________


when there is a disconnect
in my life

like a breakup
or when my housing falls through

not only do I face the challenges
of logistics and chores
to set things in order again

I also layer self-criticism
on top

why didn't I proactively insist on a conversation
to initiate a more mutual and pleasant transition
this month when I saw it all coming?

(the truth is
because the man rejected that initiative)

and then I layer on fears
that I am incompetent

not only at the caregiving
but relationships in general
and maybe at work too

which of course affects my presence
and confidence

____________


but the real insight
was realizing the feeling underneath
all of it

in shadow as it were

was despair

the sense of hopelessness
that anything can ever be done mutually
that I have any sort of personal future
and so on

and realizing this
I remembered

this pattern of feeling
is something familiar

and it's just nonsense thinking
and I have gotten through it before

and I don't need to choose it now
even for another moment

I am simply human

and I felt better

______________

really this description
is extremely elongated

it actually occurred
in the time in between
one whole milk gallon being
placed on the bottom shelf
and picking up the next

a moment of grace:

oh
despair

heck with that

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