I feel more centered today
it couldn't have hurt
to have said a prayer
upon awakening
as during the surprisingly pleasant
morning meditation of
stocking the dairy cooler
a moment of insight arrived
___________________
when there is a disconnect
in my life
like a breakup
or when my housing falls through
not only do I face the challenges
of logistics and chores
to set things in order again
I also layer self-criticism
on top
why didn't I proactively insist on a conversation
to initiate a more mutual and pleasant transition
this month when I saw it all coming?
(the truth is
because the man rejected that initiative)
and then I layer on fears
that I am incompetent
not only at the caregiving
but relationships in general
and maybe at work too
which of course affects my presence
and confidence
____________
but the real insight
was realizing the feeling underneath
all of it
in shadow as it were
was despair
the sense of hopelessness
that anything can ever be done mutually
that I have any sort of personal future
and so on
and realizing this
I remembered
this pattern of feeling
is something familiar
and it's just nonsense thinking
and I have gotten through it before
and I don't need to choose it now
even for another moment
I am simply human
and I felt better
______________
really this description
is extremely elongated
it actually occurred
in the time in between
one whole milk gallon being
placed on the bottom shelf
and picking up the next
a moment of grace:
oh
despair
heck with that
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