good stuf

for the sake of balance, i am posting a note of appreciation in regards to work, for the new captain, who has demonstrated an important capacity to me today, that of understanding the plight of the crew, expressing shock at the working conditions (that he did not even see the worst of), worrying about crew morale, questioning all the ridiculous orders being written, and having the courage to write off 20k worth of product so it can be donated before it rots, and so we can get back to some semblance of functionality

this is the kind of thing that actually moves me, i am the kind of person who takes such consideration to heart, if someone is rude to me i forgive pretty quickly, if someone is a hero to me that stays with me a long time

it was also fun working a ten hour day loading and unloading trucks, got to drive the refer truck around the block, use the forklift which turned into an all-day affair, and impress several coworkers with my determination to get dozens of stacks of beer and wine out of the sun, leading to good inside info on the best happy hours in albuquerque, like dollar-fitty pints at marble on mondays

and that's good stuf

retail confidential

nightmarish working conditions continue in predictable fashion on day four

product ages in a back room with more hazards than an OSHA textbook, as tens of thousands of dollars of product gets spoiled daily

cooler remains jammed to the gills so no one can even walk in there, and now it's bizarre stacks of pork chops on top of yogurt on top of sprouts, so no effective work can get done

everything is at least triple work for the crew, a handful of whom are competent enough to deal with the trucks arriving twice daily, unloading more pallets and stacks of perishables, like salmon and meatloaf entrees, to rot in the sun for several hours on the dock, until the refrigerated truck gets shufled back into place and filled back to its brim

after herculean (actually sisyphian) efforts all morning with bruised hands to clean up the dock or shovel a path through the backroom, we get hit with the next overloaded order and avalanched on all over again

the crew continues to be browbeaten into staying positive as they were brainwashed to do during their ten day programming, i mean training, by all the bigwigs and regionals who likewise have since disappeared from the scene of the crime

but not before installing new and improved technology for merchandising produce with spring loaded cheap plastic gizmos that allow half the amount of stock to be out on shelves, thereby doubling backstock which is now full of half cases of things, while the contraptions do not even function well enough to actually push the products forward, and offer added benefits of crushing letttuce packages, signage holders that continually drop their signs all day long, and mechanisms that break hourly leaving mushrooms and endives sitting in a pile on top of the springs

i should not be surprised to learn these have been ordered for use company wide

upscale apartments next door complain about shopping carts and blowing trash, the 15 pallets and stacks of racks and cardboard bales on the dock we agreed would be kept clean, and the five am trucks we agreed would not arrive until seven

customers get a free bag, which they fill with toxic garbage for their families to eat, all the while chanting the familiar refrain like sheep, i love this place!

the spirit of adventure

just through kal's radio romanista
like medicine that
onto peatbog fairies
pretty much my setlist of delight
david byrne's on the way

davidbyrne.com is a fun looking website
the map of this year's tour is awesome
there's the dream
i think the smashed finger will heal in a couple weeks
until then it's going to be extra fourth finger work

and the ongoing work that comes with the realization
that at this point in my life
every inury is just a reinjury
a retraumatization

that if i pay attention to
i can utilize to heal the old wounds which flare up at the moment of injury
and it is likely they partly caused

my weak shoulder carrying itself just a bit lower to conserve effort
leaving my hand lower on the grey stack i was sliding along
until my best vibrato finger jammed into one of the stacks
beginning a long row of tonnage leaving but a narrow pathway
whose width i overestimated by a couple inches

it is tempting to go into hate in those moments
but i know better
i am clumsy raven

so i know the gift of so much physical trauma over so many years
ever since being the littlest of kids
is finding out

they are strangely disguised
blessings
___________________

i look forward
to whatever all this converges
to drive me to

some contact improv global thrash band
or some nearly masochistic auric healing path

empathic sensuality through aggravation
middle aged dancing career
yogic milkshake drinking philosophical recluse
refuse reusing refugee fuser

lucid dreaming manifestor of some glorious evolution
ancestral cancer healing removal of psychic scar tissue

pinching
polyrhythmic
amore

why bother singing up for this show
if not for such an adventure

venturing's advent
before things harden up so much
you just die like most people
out of boredom with your suffering

this earth can torture me all she likes

for i have found the spirit of adventure

punk is an art

barely able to walk from work
pallets and pallets on the dock
full stockroom
full coolers
repo'd the storage shed for more product
rented a refer truck loaded to the brim
and so on
while at least one of the crew's sections is spot on with mere half uboat stock and no holes out front
i guess certain fulltimers were figuring on the first million dollar day in history
yep the familiar suspects
meanwhile i start to like the people i hated
and continue to like those i liked
as i suss out who these hundred new people in my life are
i'm sure a bunch of people still think i'm an asshole
cuz i kind of am
blatantly honest impatient and direct
dripping with disinterest for pretense
quietly maximizing arrogance
yet with growing self-acceptance around it:
punk is an art
and life is short

at the dance check in tonight
when asked to share about new beginnings in my life i said
i come here for a nonverbal space and thats about all i have to say
went on to dance alone awhile
until some surprisingly flirty not unwelcome closeness
with a new dance partner
that is when i wasn't stretching out sore ankles
and shoulders
hips

playing violin hard last night and the gourds
and the commutes up for music
add to the body's twitching stew
people liked the violin at least
hell i liked the violin
for a change

friends keep me sane
the occasional prayer or empathy space

that's all i got

retailobotnot

i realized something today

as i fit in with nothing

again

____________

well
i can't say nothing

yes i didn't fit with the hippie chicks
or the old blues guys

nor did i have anything to say to anyone else

but while it was a challenge to maintain attention
toward the native aztec dance
for a couple hours straight

i feel very grateful for the ritual space

it was probably the best meditation
i've had in a long time

which undoubtedly has to do
with the whole reason for the dance

looked like most people milled away
after the conventional time frame of an hour passed
and they remembered important things to do

a few of us kept on until the spirits were released

but even we had some side conversations going
after an hour and a half

of prayer

_________________

it was very relieving to me
not to have to have a personality
those couple hours

my aura is rather crumpled today

which leaves me both oversensitive to triggers
like not being noticed

and attracting negative attention

people seeing me not all fluffy
and hence available for their projections

it's my way of working through
the week at trader joe's uptown

reliving not being acknowledged all week
bossed around by idiots

and then being projected upon:

oversensitive
not a team player
quiet
moody

the usual

_______

and sure i can be all of those things

if you want

but as someone once said
others' opinions of me are none of my business

i am simply responding naturally and nonviolently
to a setting where a lot of my needs aren't getting met

in order that i remain maximally sane

i do wonder how others manage
what such a situation otherwise supports
at least in me

rebellion

against the measly pittance
the soul is traded for

no life

the new american
no thinking no feeling

most of all
no needs

________________

as someone else said
this week

when deciding people would not receive
their requested schedules

this is retail folks

i could probably get the anger up
to bulldoze through the situation

with grimmacing smile
pervertedly loud voice

and socially-sanctioned retail aggression

but i have simply seen this movie too many times
i am bored
and i know the ending

_______________

what i am
is probably obvious to everyone but me

i just don't know that i've ever really
gotten the gist of the word before

i listen to an inner esthetic
to determine the rightness of things

i seek joy in my life experience
met needs
autonomy and connectedness

this has confused people

and it has confused me
that many others are not the same way

seeking experiences we can participate in
very actively

synthesizing meanings therein by
comparing to past experience
reflecting on feeling-perception

and presenting a newly synthesized self
ever emergent and unknown to me

without the aggressive one-dimensionality

called for by most jobs
and romantic relationships

of the empire

i have simply been a roman too long
fought for king and country
even lived for the reich

and i say to you now
there is no future in it

death by money
or by the sword

__________

if anyone asks

tell them
i've gone to live

with the other skunks and artists

misfit fishermen

and fools

MORNING RIDE

after putting out a request
to my social network
for borrowing a camcorder

to document a friend's heroic efforts
at farming in the desert
while holding own the job to make ends meet


i dithered in the yard
before deciding to walk
instead of cycle to the neighborhood cafe

stopped on the way at a yard sale
to chat with a woman heading to portland

bought her cd player for three bucks
after offering five

and decided to walk back home
with the goods


back home
i revised my plan

and finally got on the bike

needing a tune up
air in the rear tire
and ultimately slicks to replace the knobbies

but on it i got anyway
and headed off to the cafe

______________________

while fortifying myself with matte
i met an old deadhead
who just got his hip replaced by the v a

he was listening to the loud blonde regular
who kind-of hosts a communal table
and who upon leaving was replaced by

a large dude with serious dreads
wearing a lavendar one-piece garment
and big feathers in his hair


i began a conversation
with a beautiful young woman

who turned out to be a violinist
studying suzuki teaching at unm
with a former teacher of mine!

we had a nice talk
she shared some of the challenges
of being a young woman in the modern world

i listened
offered concern
and a card with the web address for my music

_____________________

i then asked a guy about the brown package he was opening
it was a color of american spirits i did not recognize

he offered me one
and i accepted

i told him i'm playing music
and want to do more danceable stuff

turns out he's a 24 year old philosophy student
with a performance art space
where they have music occasionally
and dancing!

so he got the card too


as i went back to my writing
i overheard a conversation
between him and his girlfriend

striking in its awareness:

the need for communication
across the barriers set up
by the limited skewed and self-interested contexts
presented by mainstream media

i interjected my gratitude
how it supports in me hope for the world
to hear young folks really willing to look at reality

in order to try and free themselves
to contribute something to the beleagured planet

and we chatted some more
before he headed off to work

____________________

i then said hello
to a lovely ecstatic dancer i recognized
as she finished her breakfast

she is a great contact dancer
beautiful and with nice energy

i hadn't seen her at class in months
but she was planning on going tonight
so i will see her there!

we chatted a moment more about
my ecstatic dance band initiatives

she's just gotten a bass
to compliment her percussion

so guess what
i threw her the card too

as she headed off to work

_________________

i rode off
in an unplanned direction
so as not to cut in front of the dancer's car actually

and thus ended up on central instead of silver
where i saw what i thought was an old acquaintance
walk into the neighborhood music shop

heading for a folk music gig
she was picking up a forgotten cable for her viola

i told her we should book a double bill
and now definitely on a roll

gave her the card to check the music page

which by the way
i'm getting about ten hits on

daily

_____________

on i spun
toward the bike coop in nob hill
but ended up going over to the massage school

picked up some tuition and schedule info
it's half the price of santa fe

and booked a massage at the student clinic
$23 with the discount for being a prospective student


rode over to the food co-op
to see if they are hiring

i know it's like $8 - 10 an hour
but i'm just ready for the next stage of
my transition to an economy with integrity

and a workplace freer of cognitive dissonance

i'll check back in a couple weeks
if nothing else has come up


then biked over to umn
to see if there was any chance
the old cheap student-run bike repair shop
was still around

it is!

i was so excited to see it
think $10 tune-ups
i didn't mind it was closed for the weekend


i then enjoyed watching
the beautiful game of ultimate

amazed at its eternal renewal
year after year on the big field

before i headed home
on the bike

to blog it

quality of life

back to edo tonight

go to that pizza place
man just sitting in there
improved the quality of my life

evan the blue eyed northern italian
sampled me two options on five buck glasses of wine
both very drinkable

now that's a good start

________________

then i get the meatballs
grandma's recipe
amazing

meet frank the regular
from chicago

the conversation started by general agreement
all the women in the place are gorgeous

including the dishwasher

and we go on to discuss
the utter importance of the quality of sauce
to a pizza

the best espresso in town
and the need for chinese food

with delivery

_________


i get the gelato
with shot of espresso
and mini biscotti for dessert

for which i used a phrase i've never heard
except for my dad

and i always thought it so lame
but it came out of my stunad
dazzled mouth

better than most illegal substances i've tried
the dessert was

crazy good

___________

threw a music card at evan

in case his folks ever want to try
live music again

this time featuring
an italian on mandolin and fiddle
playing nuevo gypsy originals

we'll figure out the details later

mostly want to be affiliated with this business
and its brick indoor industrial walls

however possible

______________

went out to walk the hood

fantasize about other cool businesses
one could do in edo

like with that nice looking dance floor
on the corner

really savoring the fact that i have a life:

a girlfriend who i like contact dancing with
within a perfectly secondary poly-relationship

since she is already further along
with someone in santa fe

and i don't want to be her
or maybe anyone's

primary

______


i will take her to the pizza place
after dance next week

next door at the yoga center
to the 5 rhythm wave mix

i now fully intend to do a live version of
even called the middle eastern drum and electonica guy today

after dancing everyone
off the funk dive floor last night

and now invited to jam with the band

good to have something going on
that's my thing

even imagining an aging-lou-reed look
that's working for me

feeling kind of hip
ecstatic and

grateful

BIKE REPAIR

everyone needs a role in the community

i have found one suitable to myself
stolen of course like most good ideas

or better put
honoring the memory
of Guy

my three week best buddy
in east berlin

who i so regret
not somehow staying in touch with

living the dream

he would bike around east berlin all day
friedrichshain kreutzberg

guitar on back
friendly and brazilian
looking for someone to play
the groove music with

he knew five languages
and all he ever said was

letz jamm

vacation angst blog redo

i didn't go

sitting in the terminal
empty as a ghost town
7:30 and still an hour to wait

the daylong misery just not letting up
facing an exhausting trip

with tiny planes on both hops
in the rain
on 9/11


i realized
as is taught in the nvc class
on stepping out of the vortex of submission

i have a choice in the matter

i can book a better flight
some time in the fall

when i don't have to feel resentful
about the travel plans
and dis the folks on the blog out of frustration

who by the way were very understanding


i was thinking there might eventually turn up
some purpose to this whole fiasco

and learning that i have choices
like going dancing to the funk band tonight instead

and feeling the immediate lightness
of the return of a saner autonomy

just might qualify

music day

up to santa fe

four hours in studio
five sketches generated with 3-4 parts each woohoo

two hour marimba class

two hours at dance

back home
for an hour of music file transfer and upload

check it at myspace.com/michaelpolera

satisfecho

front-end

tonight i learned the wisdom of holding needs underneath both the yes and the no responses arising within me toward others' requests, the yeses often being about practicalities and getting along, the nos often about more intangible spirit matters, the magic being that when i hold the needs together in a basket, i somehow arrive at options for a more holistic approach

such as risking being more proactive in investing time money, energy and planning in the arenas of the more cosmic callings of my life: the big love, earthy adventures, the music, healing touch, the magic of chi

rather than falling into the conflicting demands of halfhearted side projects to fill the space of a vacation or a life, then trying to make those side projects worthwhile by investing too much reactively, and never fully arriving

___________________

the world of fetish demands such a psychic investment to do well that it is really only worth it to those directly inspired by it, whereas for those only curious, the potential growth on the level of persona and shadow awareness, while intriguing, likely never matches the serenity of a more flowing connection to a beauty beyond the persona, already developed and not worth unintentional sacrifice through inattention

a short trip to california is an exploration of debt-free travel, but really was fallen into as a late choice to do something with the last dregs of vacation time, and is likely much less satisfying than a host of other workshops or some well-planned camping would have been

a melodic sideman gig can lead to some nice connections and fun, but is not in and of itself going to manifest the dance band i am craving

buzz chasing, and management trainee programs too

___________________

all of these come about from the vacuum that arises from not

stepping up to those cosmic connections, workshops, and vistas

where only more-potent thicker-skinned front-end requests will do

chi

one key to life
is clearly

getting and allowing
one's nervous energy to work for you

our thoughts are nervous energy
in a certain form

our bodily movements
especially coordination
but affecting strength and posture directly

are directed nervous energy

rhythm
in music as well as in life
one's breathing and heartbeat

nerve-determined

_____________


i've been aware of my clumisness
in the last couple years

it's not real noticeable to others
but it's a serious determinant
to my personality

i am about as high-energy
as humans come

and as oft-injured

____________

i have realized
i am one of those who
benefits from
a certain level of pain

there are many of us

now i am looking to decide
the best format
for this odd
healing work

rossiter work
the most obvious holistic form

my kinky new girlfriend
the other

______

i am apparently variable

an interesting development
in my personality in recent years

corresponding with my increased desire
to dominate in the workplace

which despite apparent position
i can claim some achievement

excepting the regional manager
who is a split personality
misterrogers mafioso

to an extent
even i cannot fathom

what is his justice

__________

that's what's funny about life
i am no less a s***bag
than i ever was

or anyone else may be

i just found some submission
along the way
to something higher which i serve

and the result
is exactly what the christians call

redemption

________

so now i get to play
games of top and bottom

alpha male pursuits
heart attacks
bliss and insight

while remaining true
to a more purposeful mission

expressing the nervous energy
directly

by moving within a new vortex
an awesome adventure

where duende arises
form is rearranged
love rules

and there is healing
through the essence of pain

an earth-love music-body adventure
an earthbody lovemusic
an earthmusic bodylove

also known as

chi

mating

when i saw the spider on the ceiling

i thought wow that's very black widow like

close enough that you're going outside anyway



and as i shoveled her off

i noticed a thinner spider opposite her

and wondered if i'd just interrupted a mating ceremony



as i gave her the toss

i thought sorry if i just laid to waste

a whole lot of work



coming back to scoop the other guy away

i thought to say hey bud

i just saved you quite a fate



until i looked closer

and tossing him away realized



i'd been talking to nothing more

than a withered

headless

corpse

beat

life i think is short for
love-music-body-earth-adventure

i originally had work as one of the five essentials
but i think it is already covered
kids don't learn to run because you tell them to

sometimes the work is about establishing our pillars
to reflect more transparently into one's days

or maybe these pillars are more universal
and our work just an endeavor within one or another
and most particularly driven by love

love is that luscious chemistry thing sure
but as one expression of the inseparable big love
of which our community service longings also arise

and must inevitably extend to the world of spirit
by way of the greater community of our ancestors
to which we all belong

this community also includes the plants and animals
that grow up around us from this Earth
and rocks and gravity and all the joy
with which we get to play here

this particular love bond is so profound
it is is own realm

teaching us through all the bliss
disease pain and letting go it offers
birthing dying eating

the pondering of any one of which
is enough to immediately blow the mind

because of the unfathomable intensity of physical experience
the intimacy of the range of experiences we find
from violent to tender

along with the profoundness of forgiveness and reconciliation
such as when we are granted by the great love some healing

and the wisdom of rooting our most direct life-experience apparatus
feelings
deep within this body

one which we must find some responsibility toward

and soon extending toward those other bodies we have found
to bond with procreate nurture or labor over

along the way of our adventuring

the nature of experience on this Earth journey

from the moment of our arrival through fleshly gateway into light
from first step to last breaths
what is this time if not an intensely curious adventure

why do even the most staid so enjoy novelty and travel
if not for the adventure on this earth which may bring expanded love
and new feelings and sensations to play with

the final perhaps most odd pillar being music
although perhaps play is the better frame

for what is music if not a riotous celebration of our freedom
to make noise jump turn and bump
and make the body's cells stand on end

vocally vibrate something that means something to us
uplift community with dance and beauty
in a universal language known to all peoples

ultimately rooted in those internal rhythms
beating to keep us alive

and shared with the greater earth community
through which we adventure in the generous series of moments we are gifted
in autonomous bodies capable of great ecstasy
activated by an ever resounding beat

love

accounting

trying to account for all the circles of communty i am currently involved in

i don't include my last 31 year old gamer girlfriend

but definitely my now-pregnant 26 year old friend in indiana

whose 60 year-old dad gave me permission to marry a couple years ago

when i was 44, even though i had not asked for her hand

or had even seen her since five years prior when she was 19, which was a confusing time

________________________________________________________

my 21 year old djembe playing friend who just invited me camping is included

who brought two cute girls to our last jam who were really pleasant company, and turned out to be 16 i think, which surprised me

they were more mature in conversation than the 49 year-old i had dinner with last night

as was the bold little 11 year-old girl i met at the farm yesterday actually

who is older than my indiana friend was at 8, when i first met her as an autonomously living person

although in some way it is clear we met earlier, i being the family cook while she was being grown in her mother's womb

______________________________________________________

it likely explains why she lives with her visual uniqueness

the narrow macrobiotic diet lacking in nutrients essential to normal eye muscle development

and also why i have always felt like more of a guardian angel/ godfather/ uncle to her

and never grasped why her dad never grasped why i never answered his proposal to me

but instead remained quietly stunned as i pondered

the bizarre karmic way relationships are, existing strangely out of--or across--time and space

__________________________________________________________

and maybe this defines the community most real

so let's include our ancestors and the corn people too