retailobotnot

i realized something today

as i fit in with nothing

again

____________

well
i can't say nothing

yes i didn't fit with the hippie chicks
or the old blues guys

nor did i have anything to say to anyone else

but while it was a challenge to maintain attention
toward the native aztec dance
for a couple hours straight

i feel very grateful for the ritual space

it was probably the best meditation
i've had in a long time

which undoubtedly has to do
with the whole reason for the dance

looked like most people milled away
after the conventional time frame of an hour passed
and they remembered important things to do

a few of us kept on until the spirits were released

but even we had some side conversations going
after an hour and a half

of prayer

_________________

it was very relieving to me
not to have to have a personality
those couple hours

my aura is rather crumpled today

which leaves me both oversensitive to triggers
like not being noticed

and attracting negative attention

people seeing me not all fluffy
and hence available for their projections

it's my way of working through
the week at trader joe's uptown

reliving not being acknowledged all week
bossed around by idiots

and then being projected upon:

oversensitive
not a team player
quiet
moody

the usual

_______

and sure i can be all of those things

if you want

but as someone once said
others' opinions of me are none of my business

i am simply responding naturally and nonviolently
to a setting where a lot of my needs aren't getting met

in order that i remain maximally sane

i do wonder how others manage
what such a situation otherwise supports
at least in me

rebellion

against the measly pittance
the soul is traded for

no life

the new american
no thinking no feeling

most of all
no needs

________________

as someone else said
this week

when deciding people would not receive
their requested schedules

this is retail folks

i could probably get the anger up
to bulldoze through the situation

with grimmacing smile
pervertedly loud voice

and socially-sanctioned retail aggression

but i have simply seen this movie too many times
i am bored
and i know the ending

_______________

what i am
is probably obvious to everyone but me

i just don't know that i've ever really
gotten the gist of the word before

i listen to an inner esthetic
to determine the rightness of things

i seek joy in my life experience
met needs
autonomy and connectedness

this has confused people

and it has confused me
that many others are not the same way

seeking experiences we can participate in
very actively

synthesizing meanings therein by
comparing to past experience
reflecting on feeling-perception

and presenting a newly synthesized self
ever emergent and unknown to me

without the aggressive one-dimensionality

called for by most jobs
and romantic relationships

of the empire

i have simply been a roman too long
fought for king and country
even lived for the reich

and i say to you now
there is no future in it

death by money
or by the sword

__________

if anyone asks

tell them
i've gone to live

with the other skunks and artists

misfit fishermen

and fools