i'd rather depend on love than money

just more internal-ness today

discovered some deep bodywork needed

around my eye orbit

relating to the invading root canal

needing to be ripped out some day

but anyway

felt better after smacking myself around a bit

a couple of nice neck adjustments

i'm actually in love

how weird is that

it's not her age so much as her live-in boyfriend

that complicates the fantasy

i need to ask her if i buy a van

will she travel with me

it's all so ridiculous

how could she (not) say no?

might actually be what kicks my ass

in gear to get the darn van anyway

-----

speaking of ridiculous

this week i lurched severely

toward a shittier transition to whatever's next

by getting nothing done

because i can't decide a fucking thing

i can just load up the car sell everything else

and drive to new mexico

or oregon or the forest or a commune or new orleans

or just park it and fly one way to romania

or stay around and apply at the co-op

play cowboy music

who knows

i can cash out TJs and what's the hold up

so i have money for the freaking van

not to mention effing food

guess i've been so disgusted with money

so repelled by the very smell of it

now that i know the truth of it

that i can hardly touch it

and that's dangerous

i could easily end up in a bad place

something is really driving me tho

some integrity around just how fucked up

things have gotten

how violent the money game has become

and how it threatens the whole globe now

it's become so obvious

neighbors and engineers

bandmembers and strangers talk to me about it

and i'm just like that guy in network

screaming out some imaginary window

and meanwhile that much closer

to the street

-----

yesterday the church

scrambled to make food for the old hobo

who showed up late for dinner

it was camp food

baked beans and vienna sausages

but i appreciated the sincere spirit of their giving

more than i can say

i'd been playing at the farmer's market a bit

made $5.65 and that cash seemed welcome

like the food at the church

it was offered and received in love

and like a lot of folks who got too soft

for mainstream life

that's really about all i can manage

these days