beginner's busk

let me put it this way:

it's a two blogpost day

i was sitting home

slightly stunned

the car needs another brake repair

this one costing $280

and I've got $300

and i owe the guy engineering the cd

that didn't come out so good yesterday

$20

and i was saying let's think this through

i've got the deposit coming back

at the end of the month

and a couple things i can sell

and such bullshit

and i realized it was farmers market day

and that i'd have to scrape up change

if i wanted to buy a collard green roll

-----

i thought maybe i should busk

like i say i want to and shit

and i was like

the prospect of putting out a hat

was so insulting to some airs

i've held onto way too long

that it was inconceivable

i could move toward the feeling of utter disgust

(especially since swinging toward

getting the hell out of here anyway)

at this thought of

begging

-----

but my mind turned to a useful question

i thought what would i feel seeing me

playing my violin on the street for tips

and i felt tremendous compassion arise

seeing myself there with this greying beard

scared and smiling

and doing my best

and suddenly i was in the mode of

if not now when

-----

i was not happy about the decision

overtaking me

i don't particularly like crowds and noise

or reaching out to make contact with strangers

but i was getting dressed

and remembering a busker's advice

to try and look nice

and so i did

except for the old sneakers

and down the block i trudged

feeling a wealth of feelings

panic and determination

humiliation and the fierceness

of a man who chose the integrity of unemployment

over the prospect of wearing out for laboring

and i realized i was scowling as i approached the market

so i tried to smile and grimaced

and then smiled in a firm way

which is i guess what people mean when they say

stiff upper lip

-----

i played

but not before inquiring with the shopowner

i'd be in front of if they were okay with it

and they were and i thanked them

and i played viola

and it turns out i am old enough now

to enjoy this kind of accelerated learning curve

it's a good day to die medicine

and as i had visualized

i felt a compassionate dignity arise

connection with the whole of the scene

people's eyes meeting or not meeting

my humble offering

of reminder of inherent humanness

when hearing a resonant rendition of

a cajun or americana or celtic rhythm

and i played well

way better than in the studio

i invented songs

played waltzes and a classical piece

rolling into a bluesy progression

and remembered what music is about

-----

the kids were often the ones to notice me first

of course

but lots of people smiled

including the shop owner locking up

and lots just walked by too

but no one was offended

and if they were i could move

or maybe we could talk about jubilee economics

and i walked away having made $7.50 an hour

which is not bad considering

it may be

the most tremendous clarity

i've ever felt

and this is precisely how

i wish to live:

in honest relation with the world

as i am