cold

i am depressed

had a nice weekend
the first in a while

but there's just nothing going on for me
on the inside

i'm trying to do a bit of a cleanse
maybe find some chi buried underneath the muck

i'm spending less money
which i guess is good

but it means i'm not going out as much
so i don't even have the fantasy
occasionally realized
of meeting someone new at o'niells pub
or farina pizza

i'm a good boy these days
showed up to the most recent former band's gig
which was appreciated

too bad i feel nowhere again musically
since smashing my finger

haven't been up to santa fe
for marimbas or the fusion band

haven't been dancing

the empathy group was provocative
but is now essentially over

____________

i don't meet people at work
the clientele is as boring as the crew

but there's something else about the new place
i can't quite put my finger on

as i sit in my car this morning at 4:50 am
looking at the giant store
feeling...?

empty

i don't find a lot of warmth anywhere there
crew or customers or management

it's like working at a mall
which being uptown
should not surprise

no emotion, appreciation, disagreement,
nothing surreptitious, surly, compassionate or just bizarre

the building itself is too large
with north facing windows and entrance
promising significant winter heating needs

and while i do not dread work
there is no one i look forward to seeing
not a single woman i find interesting

and nothing of interest in the work itself

________________

and staring at that building
in the morning chill

a vague unease arises
whispering

where is the meaning

what am i even shooting for now
at 46 working at this place

where intelligence
experience and personal warmth have no value
all my bosses are younger than me
and i'm learning absolutely nothing

fortunately time runs out
before i ask how many decades
have been similarly wasted

so i walk in
to be asked how you doin

twice by a full timer
who is so clearly not listening

that she has forgotten my first response
and all i can think is

i might as well be on mars