still festering

who am i again

i guess what i'm doing down here
is not being in santa fe

too many years feeling stuck there
needed to just make a different choice

the intense sun made me a little crazy
or maybe it was the thin air
or my imagination

------------------

so maybe i'm not meeting women
as easily as i thought

as when i was in school here nine years ago
and a younger man

so maybe i'm not exactly tearing it up musically
having quit yet another project

and instead again trying to figure out how to be
spontaneous inspired and social
without herbal assistance

--------------------

maybe i'm just a boring self-centered lonely
low-libido middle-aged man
with no career no plans no infrastructure

trying to put up a few
increasingly worthless dollars
within the collapsing economy
of a nation now perpetually at war

who has used pot too much
to try to recreate the sense of enhancement
which follows more organically
upon the focused engagement of a life on-purpose

-----------------

yet what can be the purpose

within a death-wielding manipulative machine
that has grown in my lifetime from napalmn-ing 3 million humans in east asia
justified by an attack in the gulf of tonkin that never happened

to depleted urainium-ing entire civilizations in the western asia
justified by the murder of 3000 americans in new york
which was an inside job

with such contol of the networks
grown since the days of the coverup of jfk's murder
the nazis never had it so good

and yes i should fucking know

------------------

hence pot used too much as the purpose:
as a blissful momentary imagined protest

a couple-hour window of creative thinking
in which melodies arise in me
and a capacity for poetry

the patience to observe animals

or following cues from a body needing healing
a strangely organic yoga routine

and observing with some satisfaction
at least i am clearly not a nazi

so it's likely gonna take some exercise and empathy
to relearn these things i deeply enjoy and value

the self-acceptance to imagine it is not indulgence
or collaboration
to thus nurture one's own needs

amidst unrelenting murderous empire

---------------------

maybe there are some new effective forms of expression to be found

for the rage
against the colonialism
that still pervades the minds
of the privileged hive
i left so long ago

maybe it's time i finally learn how
the poor find the resources

systemically denied those caring enough
to protest

maybe prison
homeless on the street
or in the hospital

is where i most belong

--------------

truth is
despite all my mediation training

i hate the oppressors
and always will

i really want a secret weapon
that will vaporize all other weaponized persons
or maybe settle for just their weapons

since the thought of joining a parade
to get cracked in the skull
with a peace officer's nightstick

fills me with such loathing

all i have ever known to do
is walk away

give the finger from a safe distance


and light up