paths

well

i like the idea of a yogic identity

feels like a good fit to me

will it meet my desire

to generate a revolution in society

maybe not

but i wasn't getting far with that

anyway

-----

celibacy is treating me well

i've given it all up

all the chasing and hoping

the dependency of my identity

and so on

what a relief

to let go of sex

i feel way more integrated

and even sexual

because i have realized now

what i am looking for

and it is real love

not adolescent sex

and that is an important distinction

for a 48 year old

already i meet more women

because i trust my own intentions

more completely than i now realize

i wasn't

-----

sobriety suits me well also

i haven't been enjoying alcohol much

in recent years

just a big headache

slight nausea and blurriness

and never quite reaching any useful buzz

either

why bother

recently i saw twice how

it immediately brought a layer of foam

between me and my full presence

and i am no longer interested

-----

staying clean as they say

has been useful

my dreams have returned

by the hundreds every night

bringing some richness

to my otherwise mundane life

yet still if i'm going to waver anywhere

this is likely the place

i don't miss the roughness in the lungs

or the loss of self-control

deteriorating gums and bad driving

losing shit

i miss the laughter some

easy company and better music depth

but mostly what i miss is the rejuvenation

it offered me in my approach to the world

the possibilities it offered for seeing things

in a new way

and related support for re-engaging with a world

that even with a yogic disciplined beauty

i find i don't believe in anymore