and now am online sitting on the porch
of the nicely landscaped front yard
why don't i know how to do this
relax
without medicine
it's a strange world
and certain medicines help me deal with
the fact that normal awareness these days
is completely useless
i am only frustrated when i am straight
the world my job my life path relationships
everything has gotten out of hand
in stupidity
-----
i didn't plan on following through
with hopping on the neighbor's wifi
i tried it thinking it wouldn't work
and after 30 seconds shut it down
thinking i was done with it
but the next time i'd turned the computer on
she had figured out a way through
and now i am illicit
-----
kind of like other aspects of my murky moral life
headed one way or another to certain disaster
i'm getting fat as well as now being nearly bald
i'm overeating because i am depressed
it's partly this and partly that
partly work sucking and wanting adventure
foreign country and/or climb mountains
partly wanting some relational fulfillment
some companion like others seem to find for themselves
in a natural way
but which for me would be a f*cking miracle
-----
relaxing helps
i am planning gardens and thinking about a dog
the scope of my life has been so compressed
due to my sensitivity to holocaust
underneath all the rigamarole my ego tries to drum up
i am at an age when meaningful contribution becomes
an even more important consideration
i have tried social work and teaching nonviolence
sobriety and use of mind alterations
music labor management farming higher education
anthropology acupuncture aikido tantra polyamory monogamy
shamanism men's retreats moving staying and a million other things
and i have realized that despite all of my research
personal integrity and intellectual vigor
various creative efforts for nearly thirty years
willingness to both recklessness and years of stoicism
it looks like i have completely failed at the only thing that was ever important to me
turning this world around
from the path of genocide
to something more creative
full of the beauty of both exceptional joy
and the right amount of grief to learn by
seems it's gonna take a miracle
seeing the possibility for a more cooperative world way
that instead of getting worse all the time
gets a little better
every
day
-----
i came to new mexico for the kototama path
messianic as it was
and ended up in the mental wards
i should i suppose forget about the corrupt world
and just go live my life
but after my ancestors tried to make their way
within a society geared toward killing millions of innocent people
how can one not seek to save the rest?
yet instead i am bottom feeding
off the last broken shards of wealth supporting
a dying empire that has also killed millions of innocent people
so tell me
what does it mean now
to be true to myself?
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