with trying to caffeinate through the workday, with trying to date, with worrying over a young woman, i have chosen vulnerability
with dental decay, no savings, risking a request that was unanswered, i have chosen vulnerability
with trying to find some power in this life, without resorting to privilege or indebtedness to the system of organized violence, i have chosen it
with an impractical old vehicle, with gimpy ankle and sensitive hands, bad choices, too much sugar, mercury fillings, root canals, fluorescent lights, laser scanners, radiation in the wind, mutating skin
yet when i am strong and stable, patched up and coping well, i am in some ways more vulnerable
for then i am more stuck in the system of delusions and compromises that make up at best a slow death
and might just present, as it did for a coworker, out of the blue, a diagnosis of bone marrow cancer
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i don't know if i will make it to the forest or to the farm
or to the dental clinic today or the laundromat
or if i will even get up out of this chair at this cafe
catalepsis is very close by
i have long relied on my anger to survive it
yet sometimes lately i am not sure i have even that
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