not sightseeing

it's all about stress management

health, hormones, addictions, mood
relationships, finances, career, decision-making
exercise, vacations, sexuality, caffeine

travel

-----

i am surprisingly depressed today
three days before the journey

i am trying to get honest with myself
this is a long journey i have booked

and i am not sure how to plan things

how to budget my energy
how to get adrenaline going to meet these deadlines
how much to worry about theft
how macho i should try to be

today i am not even sure why i am going again
whose idea was this?

i'm sure i'd rather be partying with beautiful women
in san diego

-----

the coffee buzz lasted a day and a half
i was full of fascinating political analyses
and personal inspiration including
all that may be gained from this trip

but today
beyond the blurred vision, aggravated lymph
acid stomach and jaundice

i am on the down cycle

short on sleep and hemmed in by pressing tasks
missing any sense of meditation
and full of doubt

what am i possibly going to do for two and a half months?

and i am just now starting to drop in again
to the realization that it is not about this or that

not about service or farming or habitat or the island community
not about sights or photos or correspondence or goodbyes
not about packing the right things or anything external

it is as far as i can see
essentially about two matters

-----

it has been confusing
to try to explain what i am doing

within conventional employer
and coworker frameworks

talking about service and farms
women and all this other stuff

i forgot

-----

it's about maintaining my inner journey

by monitoring my swings
i am less caught in their sufferings

able to release
pray and dream again

along with concomitant growth
and recovery

and it's about survival

finding out if there is a society
better suited to my ancestors

where i might belong
or learn something along the way

about what it means
to be human