teeth

I thought I was through with the dental needs, but now I am worried.

It's tough to imagine going to a new land with a toothache and the possibility of losing a second tooth. Yes, my dentist and I should have been more proactive with it, replacing the crown. But I let him convince me of a now-clearly-idiotic stance of let's-wait-and-see. If I travel, I will also be letting my dental insurance lapse, so it will be a few months before I can get the work done to try and save the tooth. Ay, how complicated aging is!

It's tougher to imagine not going at this point, now that so much has been arranged and anticipated. With socialized medicine, I could likely just get the thing pulled down there, leaving me with gaps on both sides of my mouth, not a good thing. I know, too much information. That's how it is when you get old, you just want to talk about all your health problems. It's probably because they are constantly shocking to the spirit which just keeps trying to catch up with bringing some serenity around it all, even with life plans constantly disrupted.

Honestly it also brings up immense feelings of inferiority, voices of self-judgment regarding my ineptitude at ever manifesting the dreams I've held out there for years. I broke up with a close girlfriend over ten years ago, because of lack of common vision. Along with no interest in child-rearing, she had no inclination for international travel and service work, nor any interest in finding any mutual vision to co-create. She summed up the discussion by proudly declaring, "I am never leaving Santa Fe!"

All fine and well for her, the point being that it has taken me ten f*cking years to even get to organizing three months out of the country to even begin to taste this dream of mine I so gallantly struggled for at that time. Craziness! And now to weigh it all again--hang around another six weeks while insurance processes and preliminary work and crown manufacturing gets done? Get a place in the meantime, carry on at work, then request leave all over again in March? I just don't see it.

It's all enough to put me back in the wards.

My mind spins with alternate strategies. I could surreptitiously move to San Diego and start a new life with my friends out there looking for a place... get a job at the co-op or as a barista out there... head across the border for the affordable Mexican dental care I should have just gotten done last year... see if I like my new life cuddling with young women and drinking fresh vegetable juice every day and playing violin... and after two months, determine whether I prefer to just quit and come back to my job in New Mexico, or just stay out there and roll on... I wonder if I could even take a leave of absence from there to spend a couple weeks quitting somewhat honorably over here, or even trying to generate a transfer to TJs out there again!

Yeah, that's it!!!

I would not have predicted such flexible relationships between realms of desperation, creativity, self-care and sneakiness I see evolving in my mindset, all in the name of sovereignty. I sense it is time for a walk, some yerba mate, and more focused prayer.