1 Corinthians 13:8

it was a lovely final episode

in this chapter of the OB saga

and a saga it has been

joyful and adventurous

this moment reminiscent

of new warrior weekend rituals

yet this time at the church

when the big soup pot was carried in

on a wet december saturday morning

reverence did not need to be feigned

-----

albuquerque is a quiet place

relative to OB

one can sleep like a baby here

with the comfort of metallic protection

and a familiar old neighborhood

i highly recommend the southern route

for anyone traveling this way or that

the extra half hour

saves you all the stress of flag snow

phoenix insanity and those long mountain curves

plus offers the beauty of the chiricawas

where pink and powder blue sunsets

delighted me for what seemed like hours

i arrived with $10

and about 4 gallons to spare

enough to likely get me up the hill

for a santa fe christmas with old friends

if i somehow don't blow it all

on juicy tempting irresistable breakfast burritos

either way it is amazing how abundant one feels

the less one has

orlando said it best

and i trust is still is saying it to his jailers:

less is more

-----

i am in love with the world

and that is the whole point of the saga

i am grateful beyond words

to my mentors on this journey

for i am quite convinced

we are all headed down this road

here at the end of civilization

where the struggle has been long:

when the money runs out

what we find is not that we are crushed

but rather liberated

to the true choices we face

now as a global community

of human BEINGs

without the separations of our mortgaged compartments

and dwindling accounts

free now to care for one another

-----

my arrival here and now

is marked by a relaxation deeper

than i can describe

yet one feature begs to be declared:

i hadn't realized the catch

i had been living with for decades

a protective control worrying every move

projecting threat from authority

and other bullies

from a place near my physical core

a gripping that would arise in reaction

to all encounters

in the center of my belly

stopping the breath long enough

to generate the adrenalized fearful anger

destroying so many relationships

and too many of the moments

which this life grants

-----

i have seen 47 summers pass

how exquisite to at last realize

there is nowhere else i need to go

to break open this heart

into the unimagined splendor

of every moment here on this Earth

after tenderly moving an earthworm

out of harm's way amidst the growing soup line

my bliss overflowed into tears

as the organizer of that last OB meal

quoted scripture from the back

of their christmas pancake breakfast sign

a verse i had not before heard:

love never fails

stay leaving

it's an open question

every moment one decision

follows on another

i called my old boss

but do i really want to do it

and will i get there

and will he follow through

and will there be no glitches

guess it's time for tires

-----

yesterday was a lovely day

savoring slowed down time

upon preparing to leave

it is good to be free

immerse in 54 degree ocean

before a cold outdoor

shower and shampoo

bringing wine on a hike

and flirting with a beautiful companion

at the edge of a duck pond

eating beans at the coop

running into a woman

i briefly traveled with

when i first arrived

allowed me the spacious time

she so wanted then

but i sadly had no skill for

-----

maybe it is best to just stop doing

be the elder i am becoming

spend a year growing the beard

and say i'm working on the tour

the permaculture italian

mountain man music

empathy jubilee

i could even still apply at the coop here

for bucks

call the old accordian player

or the head shop currently hiring

-----

i just know i get

so many hugs when i'm leaving

that now i want to stay

or at least remember wherever i am

to stay leaving

bird water Tao

I have failed again, this time failing even to fail.

With money running out, and too many spins turning my mind to mush, I have done the unthinkable and asked my old boss in burque if he would consider rehiring me. It was an odd call from Love's truckstop in central California, but he thought they might have a place. So I have a meeting planned with him for Monday.

Much could go wrong with this plan yet. The front tires on the van are sketchy and worry me, and I do not have the money to replace them. At the moment I think I have the gas money to get to the interview, but need to check the math.

Ironies abound: I spent over a thousand bucks on the brother-in-law's Sebring which I continue to effort to sell for peanuts. That car also needs to be squared away one way or another by Saturday night. I don't think I have the fifty bucks to fed-ex the car title to Germany to get the sale done. So that's a mess.

It's possible I rent a parking spot for the van with all my stuff, and drive the Sebring back for the interview and vacation, fly back out in a month on a weekend to get the van with all my stuff. Or maybe sell the van tomorrow instead and throw everything I own in a dumpster. Or walk away from both vehicles and the interview and just sleep on the beach in the rain. Or just turn myself into a mental hospital now before the full blown psychosis hits.

I have tried smoking my way forward. It has been an amazing medicine for generating awareness of alternate strategies along the way the last couple months. I've also stopped a few times, when I have felt myself becoming confused--and this is one of those times. The alternate routes and the straight routes now completely diverge and neither makes any sense. And now smoking just leaves me with a big fat useless head I don't quite have a name for, but it's something in the realm of mania.

Today there is a picnic planned with a woman I adore, but at the moment it is raining. She is a former coworker, young, complex and living with someone, but there is something deeply honest and mutual between us. Neither of us know what it is exactly, but it feels a lot to me like full-blown and inconvenient love. In some alternate reality, she has followed through with her longing to travel with me to New Mexico, and anywhere we want to go.

On this plane, I am reminded of those few women I have had the big heart for, often in such circumstances. There is a magnetism generated from flying along on autonomously-powered chakras on the edge between adventure and disaster. And always to be true to the very passion that has helped kindle the connection, it seems I must also leave. That program needs to change, and it will--as I learn the capacity for commitment without disaster.

I am tired of leaving places. Leaving northern California family and beautiful mud the other day was hard. Leaving here--the ocean, community, huge learning, beautiful women I've been conversing with--is hard. My failing has been my inability to stop moving. If I could only accept that I deserve a space in society, despite not having a legitimate place to park, I could carry on with this path of watching the world crumble. But in regards to this holy path of non-participation with the evil of money, it turns out I have a couple of serious shortcomings: I do fear authority, and hate being broke. Most of all, I hate idleness.

The ocean does not need to force itself into activity when it is calm, and the birds do not permits to park--it is true, and this is the root of nearly all the problems in the world. The profit maximization which will neither allow the homeless to sleep outdoors, nor the Earth's oceans, forests and topsoil to regenerate.

Yet neither must the ocean force itself into idleness out of an ideal, when it in turn rages and surges with vital power. Hallelujah. And neither must the birds remain on the ground, scratching away at the same patch of sand: they insist on flying.

When I tried social work a couple years ago, I learned I am more anarchist than socialist. But here, I have learned how socialist I am, how European. I long for belonging, for order, and to be of service actively with the tasks of this life. I love work, when I can dictate the conditions of my labor amidst a mutual conversation: the exercise, the contribution, the appreciation, the free endorphins, the community, the challenges which wake up my proactive practices.

All these runaways doing little but smoking pot, waiting to be fed, and struggling to sleep: I relate to their ideals, their walking away from the societal violence, their return to the Earth. But as righteous as it all may be, I hate personal idleness as much as the genocidal violence and ecological catastrophe consuming the world.

I will thus find a way to fire up all of these chakras, remember I am more than this or that, and carry on. If you have ever watched a raven play, she is compelled to try new dives and spins to test her relation with the air currents, to see how it feels to fall in a new way. It is her freedom. For a moment she flutters in chaos, scrambling in absolute exertion so as not to crash on the rocks below.

Momentarily bedazzled, yet in the same dazzling instant, she is lifted up again, renewed and laughing, wiser for the experience. Shouting in delight: who is this wind that so moves me?

survival

i am noticing a hesitation
in returning to the streets

i have decided to see if i can overstay my welcome
with kind middle class family

enter hobo status officially

i see stresses in both arenas
the middle class are as stressed as the poor

in some ways more
they do not have the succor

of direct experience
with life's elements

-----

this sad dog and pony show
will hit the road again

soon
i am due in burque the 19th

have my overseas' bro-in-law's car
to sell in san diego

am tempted to stay around here
until the harvest work comes through

but more tempted to just head north
and see how far i can get

----------

it's all survival
we are no different than the animals around us

except in our longing for the nonviolence
which is also our nature

yet we have somehow forgotten
and i will tell you of such things

for life in balance
is 5% mating/meaning/birth and wonder

5% survival/struggle/death and horror
and 90% travel

in search of a good meal
with adventurous byproducts

the epiphenomena of the now

traveling rant

the world is moving so fast
i just had to quit

there was no longer any quality of life
in that runaround

as much as i miss trader joes
I say to the world now

my labor is mine to give

i will determine
the conditions of its giving

and if nothing else comes along
i will play music on the street
until they arrest me

-----

i awoke again today
to the abundance of life

once one knows what one really wants
and we let go of all notions of
deserving and shame

we are royalty all
you and me and the cleaning lady
and the dishwasher and the runaway

what is a prince or a queen
how dare the elites claim some special status

it is a lie and it is high time
it is exposed
to the light of
Divinity

we all belong here
and there is no enemy
but the ignorance born of
the illusion of our separation

tao

i am amazed at the leap into ridiculous speed the world has taken in recent weeks, suddenly everyone is so busy that email is obsolete, myspace is history, and nonlinearity has arrived

i continue to dance between two worlds, learning to enjoy the movement, it has been a twofold jolt to first try and slow down to the pace of actual life energy and social contact and connection to things natural, and then also to remember that i enjoy the exercise of running and movement and staying strong in the belly

cuz it's fun to manifest things magically, practice those new skills of vibrating positive proactive magnetic thoughts, empathically responding to the world, and just being

it's also fun to bike across town, run down newport, walk in the cold waves, work on business plans, play music, record the cd

-----

knowing that beauty also passes

i refute holding onto

any sense of purity of the moment's awareness

any worry of upsetting the imagined emergence

any demand that i surrender to the flow

vastly preferring

the dance of fearlessly tapping my feet on this earth

unselfconsciously taking action in the world

and allowing the world

to respond

to me

a good day to live

going offline for a few days as i travel

brezny says to embrace the unknown in the coming weeks

i'm right on that one

moving out tomorrow

not sure where i'm driving to yet

chico would likely mean some mechanical support

but possible trouble with california state personnel

a straight shot to new mexico seems lighter

assuming the van's good to go

the convertible i guess stays here for the time being

-----

is it just me

or is society quickly reaching a point of maximum chaos

i can no longer rationally make sense of anything

what to do or where to do it or how to make anything fit

i came here with benevolent intention to support family

and i worked until i could work no more

and it has led me here to this crossroad

where i know only this:

friends have passed on in a heartbeat

teaching me there are no guarantees of future moments

only this one

and that i am to commit to it fully

so now i practice compassion in each moment

and pray

for the greatest good to manifest

due

what a world

seems like the conspiracies are becoming infinitely more obvious each passing day, guess the shadow government banksters are just going for total control now, feels like we're a breath away from totalitarianism

homeless people everywhere, begging on every corner and all down the street, dollar due for devaluation within the year at the very outside

chinese american war games, and your choice between xrays or getting fondled at airports--but then you know a wonderful new solution is coming along for the t s a, in just the right time:

can you say biometrics?

depression is rampant, with the sensitives overwhelmed, and the middle-class maxed out

we all need to get a lot smarter

fast

-----

i can indulge in righteousness, with the overlords just throwing the bullshit in the people's faces day after effin day, i want to yell do you think we're idiots!

but they don't care what anyone thinks, they just know they have all the access routes to power--to having a voice--controlled now, except the internet

for another moment

-----

what's your plan? be off-grid? grow food? what's your niche in the underground economy? or will you get out before the borders close? maybe emigrate to Lakota?

i'm just trying to play music on the street, but they keep moving me along

fortunately the miracle waves are also ramping up

the way of separation is collapsing

and the end of time

is due

transformations

i live in two universes

one but a moment's breath above the other

in the higher i am already a healer

a teacher and in touch with the ancestors

that dimension is peaceful

its rhythm can be found in the waves on the water

ever manifesting earth-heartbeat in infinite shapes

each moment's manifestation unique

its name is compassion

-----

in the other i work

ceaselessly for the esteem with which to exist

and i am but a dreamer or worse

overwhelmed by the complexities of mammon

a worm sometimes mighty

himself polarized between so much exercise

and near-idle ineptitude

while imagining the place beyond

a butterfly-dreaming cocoon

-----

the first door is called passion

and i have crashed myself upon it

until both shoulders have become battered

yet not without the satisfaction

of the well-spent youth of a running back

with a taste for invading the lords' castles

the second i call beauty

though nameless and infinite

it arises in the quiet

of a hard-won discipline

a rational mind calmed to stillness

and incessantly reminded

it need not track every rabbit

for the evening's meal

and that as the spaciousness of calm

arises with the breath

so does the wolf's passion

descend

-----

to my friend Ken

now transformed

may these tears further you on the journey

with all this love you unassumingly gifted

thank you for not only the rich flowing content

some thirty years a witness for peace

along with an otter's playfulness

in the river that was your life

but also for a spiritual mentorship

around the transformational nature of things

whose depths i wasn't fully cognizant of

until now

sounds

taking a break from the stupid day

after making myself a little sick eating

more ice cream than you care to know

and having dastardly dreams

filled with self-jackaling

i finished the ice cream this morning

with the morning coffee

then proceeded to journal incessantly

for hours about interesting stuff

before finally strapping on the guitar

and going down to the street to busk

and having pleasant response

to the melodies of my first six-string busk

three bucks in 20 minutes

and my voice brought more smiles than that

until a bunch of kids with a drum

joined me enthusiastically

catching the ear of a neighboring business

which then shooed me off

probably illegally

so i moseyed the rest of the way

to Donna's van by the beach

she was tearful but glad to see me

still processing the shock that comes along with

waking to the sound

of six cops pounding on the metal

of your van at dawn

and yelling at you to get up

my friend was both strong and wise

in neither reacting nor interacting

and hence contracting with them

for they were obviously not extending

any kind of invitation toward mutuality

i'm guessing if she was cooperative

she would have been arrested on the spot

like so many others lately

for sleeping

we empathized a bit

and walked to autozone

i played blackbird

while she sought to follow up

with an offer of someone's friend to

repair the stuck van for barter

but who has for several days been unavailable

and will try again to connect tomorrow

rain in the forecast

i walked home to drop the guitar

finally see a van in my range on craigslist

only to now hesitate and wonder if i really want it

my friend onward to free pie advertised at the church

and a country music concert

to which i followed with the fiddle

long enough to find my friend gone

and sniff out a likely

proselytization

along with a pie eating contest

involving a scary temptation to overeat

which could harm a shrunken-stomach transient

trust ice cream boy on this one

back home to drop the fiddle

and tired from walking

grabbed the bike to head back to the beach

and see if Donna got the van moved

my rear tire flat from a slow leak

i stop at the corner gas for air

find out from a kind clerk its free

and all filled up ride on

for another block anyway

until the big POOM

back home i walk now with bike in tow

noticing the squished tire offering

an ontomontopeiac gestalt

or perhaps just a good punch line

which i refuse to take personally

schlep

schlep

schlep

i'd rather depend on love than money

just more internal-ness today

discovered some deep bodywork needed

around my eye orbit

relating to the invading root canal

needing to be ripped out some day

but anyway

felt better after smacking myself around a bit

a couple of nice neck adjustments

i'm actually in love

how weird is that

it's not her age so much as her live-in boyfriend

that complicates the fantasy

i need to ask her if i buy a van

will she travel with me

it's all so ridiculous

how could she (not) say no?

might actually be what kicks my ass

in gear to get the darn van anyway

-----

speaking of ridiculous

this week i lurched severely

toward a shittier transition to whatever's next

by getting nothing done

because i can't decide a fucking thing

i can just load up the car sell everything else

and drive to new mexico

or oregon or the forest or a commune or new orleans

or just park it and fly one way to romania

or stay around and apply at the co-op

play cowboy music

who knows

i can cash out TJs and what's the hold up

so i have money for the freaking van

not to mention effing food

guess i've been so disgusted with money

so repelled by the very smell of it

now that i know the truth of it

that i can hardly touch it

and that's dangerous

i could easily end up in a bad place

something is really driving me tho

some integrity around just how fucked up

things have gotten

how violent the money game has become

and how it threatens the whole globe now

it's become so obvious

neighbors and engineers

bandmembers and strangers talk to me about it

and i'm just like that guy in network

screaming out some imaginary window

and meanwhile that much closer

to the street

-----

yesterday the church

scrambled to make food for the old hobo

who showed up late for dinner

it was camp food

baked beans and vienna sausages

but i appreciated the sincere spirit of their giving

more than i can say

i'd been playing at the farmer's market a bit

made $5.65 and that cash seemed welcome

like the food at the church

it was offered and received in love

and like a lot of folks who got too soft

for mainstream life

that's really about all i can manage

these days

11 11

OM to you this 11 11 veterans day

confluence of old paradigm and maybe

i celebrate with a bowl of oatmeal

as a lot people meditate on war

and peace today

i feel prone to caving in today

getting a job

its so much healthier for belly and mind

if anything keeps me floating

on the as yet unrealized in-any-way

plan to live in a van

it is the disability of these hands

that while not surfacing every day

remains to remind

-----

the concern is for the disability

of this mind which

without some orderliness imposed

by a domination structure

too long submitted to

can barely decide on breakfast

no less act on fedexing titles to sell cars

and cash out accounts to buy vans

and the endless task list previously posted

-----

there is no resolution

to this post

no tidy acquisition of meaning

its 11 11 so i guess i'll go meditate

planning

i'm noticing a pattern

each day i wake up committed

to make some progress

drink some coffee

scrounge something to eat

sit down at the computer

and get distracted

i'm a pretty good laborer

cause the tasks in front of me

make sense to my little mind

i like exercise and putting things in order

so i take some satisfaction in most work

and there is usually some time to dream

and some opportunity to exert some autonomy

learn something

or just grow inside

breathing into a spirit practice

but self-employment--oy!

-----

the task list:

sell car, cash ira, buy van, make cd covers and press kit and put up craigs ads, buy cable and a string and cassettes, rig up effects loop for testing, design and print brochures (& get template somewhere), print and update biz cards, compose front porch blurb, work up new website--register and design etc, brainstorm making contacts with libraries and such for education programs, meet with retail shop owner about teaching violin, pick up CD and upload (itunes and myspace) and make demos and full length saleable discs, produce graphics and get cases, and get it all done while i still have a place to do printing and such, network new gigs for regional tours, try to find a collaborator to tour with, contact yurtfolk, get to dances, play viola at contact, attend circus collaboration night, research touring tips--how much money to have, strategies for cheapness (eat at churches etc), decide whether to apply at the coop or stay committed to attempt traveling, garage sale, go through old journals--save 1 lb and discard 99 lbs of paper in goodbye OB bonfire, consider rainbow gathering for a few weeks, overcome concern over trying to not get arrested amidst my groovy new van lifestyle (become a better mechanic, put a biz logo on the side of the van) and learn how to stay healthy (rig up some wheatgrass growing corner, etc.), play once in a while, listen to music once in a while, record in studio with trio on wednesday, discuss hats, request help with promo photography...

and on and on it goes, until i either get exhausted from endless inventory and take a nap, or else come across something i actually might enjoy doing, like maybe photography today or pick up the cd

all while staying in touch with bigger picture spirit transformation work, and other core values which are the whole inspiration for the project

and keeping fed and staying connected to community, see if Bubba got to the hospital for dialysis, check in with Donna, hopefully pick sage this week

and remember to consider juicy stuff like: maybe sell my fiddle and buy a more resonant one, consider travelling to a foreign country and indulging in learning the local fiddle music--most traditional cultures have a place for a fiddler, i suspect it would use up much to all of the rest of my cash but could be a very deepening/focusing experience musically (thus economically useful) and personally (could use some new cultural input)

-----

i really will be testing the nuevo-NVC approach

which argues that order is a strategy not a need

cause it feels like a disorientingly big unmet need

these days

but if it's just a strategy then i can find other ways

to meet the underlying need

which would be...?

probably support

and associated flow

which is related to trusting Life

and my own generativity

in the global community of humans

many of whom are more frightened

or have more desperate circumstances

than mine

and with whom i stand in solidarity

as a traveling musician needing little

while meeting needs for joyful celebration

beauty-reminder acoustic-love trance-dance

gratitude-education and giveaway-mentorship

plus occasional gardener-laborer

traveling permaculturalist play

and whatever the heck else i can offer

to the tasks at hand

as we climb the ridiculous learning curve

of bootstrapping life-support systems

in the post-economic world of barter

potlatch and giveaway

sunset over Ocean Beach

beginner's busk

let me put it this way:

it's a two blogpost day

i was sitting home

slightly stunned

the car needs another brake repair

this one costing $280

and I've got $300

and i owe the guy engineering the cd

that didn't come out so good yesterday

$20

and i was saying let's think this through

i've got the deposit coming back

at the end of the month

and a couple things i can sell

and such bullshit

and i realized it was farmers market day

and that i'd have to scrape up change

if i wanted to buy a collard green roll

-----

i thought maybe i should busk

like i say i want to and shit

and i was like

the prospect of putting out a hat

was so insulting to some airs

i've held onto way too long

that it was inconceivable

i could move toward the feeling of utter disgust

(especially since swinging toward

getting the hell out of here anyway)

at this thought of

begging

-----

but my mind turned to a useful question

i thought what would i feel seeing me

playing my violin on the street for tips

and i felt tremendous compassion arise

seeing myself there with this greying beard

scared and smiling

and doing my best

and suddenly i was in the mode of

if not now when

-----

i was not happy about the decision

overtaking me

i don't particularly like crowds and noise

or reaching out to make contact with strangers

but i was getting dressed

and remembering a busker's advice

to try and look nice

and so i did

except for the old sneakers

and down the block i trudged

feeling a wealth of feelings

panic and determination

humiliation and the fierceness

of a man who chose the integrity of unemployment

over the prospect of wearing out for laboring

and i realized i was scowling as i approached the market

so i tried to smile and grimaced

and then smiled in a firm way

which is i guess what people mean when they say

stiff upper lip

-----

i played

but not before inquiring with the shopowner

i'd be in front of if they were okay with it

and they were and i thanked them

and i played viola

and it turns out i am old enough now

to enjoy this kind of accelerated learning curve

it's a good day to die medicine

and as i had visualized

i felt a compassionate dignity arise

connection with the whole of the scene

people's eyes meeting or not meeting

my humble offering

of reminder of inherent humanness

when hearing a resonant rendition of

a cajun or americana or celtic rhythm

and i played well

way better than in the studio

i invented songs

played waltzes and a classical piece

rolling into a bluesy progression

and remembered what music is about

-----

the kids were often the ones to notice me first

of course

but lots of people smiled

including the shop owner locking up

and lots just walked by too

but no one was offended

and if they were i could move

or maybe we could talk about jubilee economics

and i walked away having made $7.50 an hour

which is not bad considering

it may be

the most tremendous clarity

i've ever felt

and this is precisely how

i wish to live:

in honest relation with the world

as i am

cornflakes

alright so i'm depressed

i mean aside from the imminent collapse of civilization

there is just personal ineptitude

money issues abound

beyond the money-is-just-a-form-of-energy rationale

there's the reality of one's collaboration with the system producing it

and thus devouring the planet

but aside from that and that

oh nevermind

-----

let's just say

i'm a little bored with san diego

big beautiful waves today

and who cares

it's still america

dog-and-pony show for the world

except everyone's online including me

so i guess my best hope for relationship

is to start posting on craigslist

now which category again?

-----

i really need to buy food

but can't stand the thought

i'm sick of trader joes

and the coop's too expensive

so i guess it's dry cornflakes for dinner

again

spent several useless hours in the studio

spending money and sounding wimpass

how can i be so inspiring sometimes

and then so repellent

a brooding self-medicating manic depressive

i like that description

of strummer

-----

there's something under here

one can only ratchet up the magnetism so often

as ugly as my process can be

there are some hopes for redemption

honesty tends to sooner or later

hone me into what is really alive for me

and what to do about it

so i await an empathic moment

a remembrance of a wholeness to things

some spontaneous outburst

of survival

OB reports

while i never seem to be interested in getting up for halloween's investment of costumedness at this time of year, i understand the usefulness of such an energy spree at precisely the irrational scorpionic time of year to disperse fear of the coming winter

here where i boogie surfed the ocean yesterday in 70 degree temps, there is no cold to shock us, only longer nights along with the conundrum of giving notice on my place tomorrow without a clear plan forward

yesterday i longed for just some land in new mexico to garden on, today i think maybe continued detachment from the ravages of my hyper-rational mind is the first task, and possibly a van to follow

the reason being that acting out of fear tends to generate the circumstances the fear is already projecting, and thus it is essential to distinguish heading-toward-a-garden from heading-for-the-hills

the project of helping to unfold a miracle of transformation amidst a beachfront of runaways with bedrolls may be too ridiculous to pass up

not to mention the previous absurd proposition of making it amidst this urban chaos with these hands and a fiddle

at least it continues the journey beyond my own head, into a world calling forth the very empathic response i seek to abide in

along with a journey of documentation i might accomplish right here, beyond reuters, until the movie comes out

for now, if you want to see where i hang out, try http://obhotel.com/webcam where for half a minute you can move around a camera to see the ocean, beach, pier, the parking lot my friends hang out in, bedrolls on the grass

and possibly a familiar rusty red bike cruising by

RESPONSE

perhaps the appropriate response to the world today

is full grieving

the wretched despair

as we watch the suffering caused by the inevitable

collapse of all the world's systems

nearly simultaneously

and the miracles that enter

only in its complete and absolute

loss of hope

like the basic reality:

stuff still grows

-----

in these times

any arrogance is daft

any effort

an exercise in futility

any externalization

of our personalities

fruitless and silly

this is no time for self-actualization:

why?

BECAUSE THAT MASLOW PYRAMID

IS AN INCOMPLETE

AND LIKE EVERY OTHER BIT OF INFORMATION

WE THINK WE KNOW

MANIPULATED

REPRESENTATION

OF HUMAN REALITY

LEAVING OUR THINKING USELESS

IN ITS INEFFECTUALNESS

-----

BEYOND SELF-ACTUALIZATION

THERE IS SELF-TRANSCENDENCE

ESTHETIC NEEDS

AND THE ENTIRE REALM OF MIRACLES

MORE SIMPLY:

WE ARE AWARENESS

WE LONG TO SERVE

WE ARE HEART-CENTERED BEINGS

THE FOURTH CHAKRA

IS OUR HOME

AND WHEN ONE REALIZES THAT

FEAR VANISHES

AND WE CAN EXPAND AGAIN

-----

CONNECT YOUR THINKING

TO THE REAL HIGHEST GOOD

THE NEEDS OF THE WORLD

BEYOND SELF-ACTUALIZATION

MIGHT QUALIFY

AND IF YOU'RE LIKE ME

YOU ARE BEST TO

FORGET MONEY ENTIRELY

WHICH BRINGS US TO

SUGGESTED COURSES OF ACTION

FOR RECKONING WITH ECONOMIC COLLAPSE

AND APOCALYPTIC BEASTIES ALIKE:

1. ALLEVIATE SUFFERING:

FEED THE HOMELESS

AT LEAST

START THERE

2. ENJOY NATURE ACTIVELY:

GROW STUFF

TRADE SEED

HAVE FUN GARDENING

AND BREWING BEER

WITH ACTIVITIES SUCH AS

#1 AND #2 IN PLACE, YOU ARE ALREADY ON YOUR WAY TO:

3. BUILDING COMMUNITY

GROW THE SOLUTION

a. TRY COMMUNITY CURRENCY

TO SEE IF IT HELPS

b. ESTABLISH COMMUNITY JUSTICE

CIRCLES TO DIALOG ON NEEDS

THE BEST OF NVC IS PROFOUND

-----

PERHAPS BEFORE ANY OF THESE

OR CERTAINLY AFTER

GET HIGH:

WHY?

VIBRATE AT A DIFFERENT WAVELENGTH

THAN THAT OF THE DISASTER

ONE INVOLVING GREATER AWARENESS

CHOICE AND JOY

BY RESTING IN A STATE OF CONNECTION

WITH LIFE

WITHIN THE FIELD OF DIVINE WE REMEMBER

OURSELVES TO BE WITHIN

NEEDS AS RESOURCES

ENJOY THIS MOMENT

BE IN NO OTHER

GODDESS BLESS!

THE NOW IS ABOUT THE ONLY SANCTUARY LEFT

FORTUNATELY THE FLOW OF TIME

CONTINUES TO EXIST

CMON WADDA WE GO BACKWUDS IN 2012?

-----

NOW THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO GET HIGH

OF COURSE

TANTRA HOLDS A LOT OF

USUALLY COMPLETELY UNREALIZED

POSSIBILITY

KUNDALINI YOGA MAYBE FRIGHTENS

FEWER READERS

CHANNELING AND DIRECTING

THE HORSEPOWER OF THAT ENERGY

WHICH IS LOVE AFTER ALL

UPWARD TO THE WORK OF THE HEART

THAT OF AN INTEGRATIVE

LOVE WHICH SERVES

AND MANIFESTS IN THE BROADER WORLD

IN ABUNDANT FLEXIBLE SWEET

RELATIONSHIPS OF

GREAT VARIETY

MAYBE I CAN EXTEND SUCH

EMPOWERED AGAPE

TO A BANKER:

THE WORK INDEED

post-punk terms

i await the morning light

to reassure me

that coffee will be served today

i'm improving after a rough 30 hours

centered around a surprisingly

re-traumatizing band experience

hard to describe the many negative ways

that gig hit me

but trust me i'm not whining for nothing

i know i need to simply detach

the 17 hours leading up to the gig

and the 10 following

all seem part of an educational package

reminding me i don't fit in an old-paradigm

egocentric rock band

any more than i'd belong working at a bank

-----

the temptation to indulge in cosmic sarcasm

and subsequent hedonism

has been irresistable

but not only is irony passe

i simply can't afford it

the negativity stops all forward movement

so now the question:

after playing well

and keeping the band mate mask on fairly securely

amidst the carnage

do i have the self-trust

to actually let the paying rock star gig go

in order to get back to integrity with myself?

well what's the other option--

force upon myself

a new form of slavery to idiots?

-----

it all triggers tremendous arrogance within me

for all its suck

i was able at least at times

to channel some of that at tj

into something useful

some productivity

self-expression and friendships

the other day i said angrily to a friend

i'll live on the street before i chase money again

but me, homeless?

history would indicate

i'd be psychotic in a week

besides i'm not the purist

some of my brothers on the street are

i will hustle for money

enough to stay sane

amidst this dying beast of global manipulation

and violence

called the dollar

the only integrity i can honestly claim

is that i will do it on my own

post-punk

terms

milagros

suddenly i am enjoying a whirlwind of acivity

it's all play isn't it

booking gigs

visioning what you wish to do

asking for it

offering service

being willing to offer a different form of service

if requested

so long as it meets a need for inspiration

around contribution

what's not to love?

i will bring my fiddle tonight

got an invite though not yet official

from perhaps the best local CZ band

that's Cajun-Zydeco

my shorthand

my shoulder's hanging low

so i won't mind playing it cool

but i will answer the call

open heart and strong belly

good thing i not only believe in miracles

i am seeing them every day

it's all a miracle really

taking flight

i am desisting and divesting

of money

and i am a freer man for it

it may pass through my hands this way and that

but i will give it no more energy than that

i will be contributing to others

and otherwise living beautiful visions of things

it is redemption day

after two years and some five odd months

the last five being the oddest

it was a good run

enjoyed quite a few of the crew

but when i'm done

i'm done

-----

happy birthday to everyone

it is a fine time to rebirth

it was my hands and the ocean

and other benevolences

who all lifted me up

i'd like to thank trader joe's

that we ended the current form of our relationship

amicably

i prefer being friends with exes

whenever possible

-----

today i welcome back a sense of sovereignty

of self-possession

i am speaking more clearly

and a little louder

and enjoying the sound of my voice

i have found the literal meaning

for the phrase

spring in one's step

it is to move through hoards of people

with speed and grace

skipping to a slightly latin groove

-----

or maybe brazilian

they overlap for me

the capoeira dance

and the salsa

shoot that reminds me

i'm late for my cajun dance

meetup

i was trying to get to the church

on time for dinner

but we stayed too long

watching the 528 hertz

green flash

over the ocean

at heart chakra vibration wavelength

at the coming of which i played

that celtic song of joe strummers

on the fiddle

so by the time we got over there

it was only ice cream

then free man ran away

-----

i thought i'd get the fiddle from the car

and find someone to jam with

but somehow here i am

taking space to celebrate

the abundant choice to leap

and grow wings

responsiveness practice

responsiveness is interwoven with awareness

that's one of the learnings

of today's responsiveness practice

i had gone down to see about my friends'

apparent break fluid leak

rather than saying

oh i can't help that/i'm not a mechanic

i thought

well i can at least visit see whats up

maybe help the process along

but they were sleeping

so i walked on the beach

with my feet in the ocean awhile

and explored some new verses to redemption song

replacing we've got to fulfill the book with

the future is unwritten

-----

they were still sleeping at 1 pm

unusual for them

so i meandered toward a cafe

and checking in with myself

thought maybe a smoothie

would be the most nurturing thing

but i was still not ready to sit

and my attention had been already drawn

to a young man sitting with a hungry sign

half a block down

and i felt a desire to respond

maybe it was his gentle clear energy

in any case i saw a brother there

with a need

and that he wasn't getting a lot of response

despite his clear request

and it just was more alive for me somehow

than filling my own slightly overfed belly

again

yet i realized i didn't have a strategy for pursuing this

within the cultural structures of domination/scarcity paradigm

and i am not yet fluent in the behavior of abundance

so i took my time

i wanted to sit with him and buy him a smoothie

that would meet a few of my needs

but it seemed i was putting strategy before empathy

or something

asking him to walk with me

without either of us knowing each other

clumsy

plus there was the ethical question

of not responding to another guy

with requests nearby

so i stood on the opposite streetcorner

doing nothing but

leaning against a wall

as pedestrians passed

liberating practice in itself

and a cop car rolled right up to me

and i thought hmmm

it turned out some other dude

had called them to help unlike his bike

and i was predicting a responsive outcome

-----

and it occurred to me

to just walk up to the guy with the hungry sign

get over this thinking too much

and worrying about what to do next

another rather insidious cultural preconditioning

particularly insightful for moi to see!

-----

and noticing someone else had begun

attending to the other man with a request

i walked over to the man with the sign

and we had a longer than usual moment

of meeting eyes kindly

even though i had still awkwardly placed my body

out of habit

directly across and because he was sitting

above his

and it at least occurred to me to say something to the effect of

hey brother

you getting any help

and i heard him say yeah some

and if i get another 50 cents

i can get the twine

to harness my shelves

so i inquired as to the meaning of this

and i guess he said shells or something

cuz turns out he's a jewelry crafter

so i said i was going to offer to buy you a smoothie

in response to your sign

but i probably have a buck if you prefer

and he said that's be great

and as i fished for a buck

a woman came by and handed him

a big ol frappacino

and i said hey man

special delivery eh?

and a small bottle of water

as i handed him the buck somewhere in there too

with good feelings

gratitude and celebration all around

the hour or two of mostly quiet walkbys

had exploded into a jubilee

-----

and walking on soonafter

the cafe's smoothies turning out to cost more than

i would enjoy paying anyway

(ha--i actually saved six bucks)

i got on the bike and headed home

reflecting on the way

along the lines of tired dualistic thinking

did i magnetize that event (ego)

or

nah just a cool coincidence

(an excess humility implying i don't exist)

and the truth of the matter is more profound

and simple

yet how many words does it take to describe

this phenomena of our natural abundance

not having gathered much press

the last couple thousand years?

-----

i was willing to allow my field of awareness to expand

along with the compassion that naturally ensues

to include people around me

which invited me into playing a better game

than isolation or ignorance:

connecting with someone

as a human being

without labels

allows a natural magnetism

to unfold

a field of safety and connection

and even magic

that grows even by empathizing silently

and really gets juicy and fun

amidst some active response

however simple

to the situation one's become aware of

magnetizing the energy of contribution

that is so enjoyable to partake of

whose character is active

and involves

simultaneously

choosing/creating freedom and safety

and i'm guessing someone else was having a similar experience

of responding to the Divine energy of need

i imagine their strategy was to just allow

an enjoyable generosity to well up inside them on a sunday

and at the starbucks counter

decide to order an extra drink

in response to a clear undemanding request

and for fun

make it an extra groovy frappacino

with chocolate chunks on top and such

for this young man

and a water--

the abundance and consideration of which

is particularly touching!

-----

i used to wonder as a kid why every day couldn't be like christmas

and you know it was never about the stuff

perhaps a practice is to simply make every day

a little more

Sundaey!

redemption

well things are getting quite shamanic now aren't they

big sur reporting sticky white webs 1- 3" across

falling from the sky

this could bump the chemtrail hypothesis up the charts

i'd been figuring everyone was alternatively agitated

ill and crashed out

because of scalar weaponizing of the atmosphere

not that the two theories are in any way

mutually exclusive

i mean if we are paying attention to things

the wacky bunch in charge keeps thinking it can

destroy evidence of their crimes by blowing things up

like WTC Building #7

but of course karmic/energetic imprints don't vanish

so everything just accelerates

and i hear one of the ancient calendars

kicks over in 2 1/2 weeks

i don't doubt it

still i am so tired and aching

i can only get up the hill anymore on bike

by way of simultaneous full-bellied singing

redemption song

passing it on

after reaggravating my wrist sprain yesterday

as well as observing the other hard workers

straining backs overworking the last couple weeks

something needed to happen

so i prayed last night

meditated and watched my dreams

they offered no indication

of desert or ocean setting

but provided some nice hugs

from my anima

so i began the talk with boss man

and ultimately agreed to stay

through the holiday season

and support one more push

for meeting some mutual needs

at the store

in exchange for his support

transferring wherever i like

if on january first i still wish to leave

plus increased safety prioritization

and perhaps a greater influence

generally in the store while i am there

this result meets a need for clarity

now may my empathy practice be strong

for the main work looks to be

to model to the big bosses

how mutual attention to one another's needs

not further criticism

is the key to transformation

-----

the most joyful moment of the day

illustrating exactly this

came in the midst of massive grouchiness

pre-boss

whereupon for no good reason

i felt near-absolute derision hearing

another mom baby-talking to her child

perhaps the most annoying phrase ever invented

variations of which are heard nearly every day at TJs

it's yummy for your tummy!

i don't know how long i was processing this funk

but observed i was still triggered a bit later

while stocking

near to a mom and child online at the register

who had at least been in the vicinity of such a conversation

and thinking to myself

in the first throes of some empathy attempts

probably good i didn't have kids

at least retail settings offer some safe spaces for

this mommy-vibe I admittedly don't get

and at least they probably don't notice me

all of which was interrupted by a loud

and sweetly intoned

hi!!

at which point i looked up to see

the joy-filled face of the two-year old boy

beaming from his shopping cart perch

gazing at me with full intention

a radiant smile

serene

and who in that moment

was not at all two

but simply a soul of indeterminate age

responding to another soul

as if to offer something like

may i take this moment to remind you this seeming reality is but another illusion...

at which point something inside me relaxed

and i returned an authentic smile

of amused gratitude

a hello and an offer of help out

politely declined by mom

not unaware of her son's generosity of spirit

leaving me to bless them silently on their way

and marvel on the miraculousness

of this simplest of

exchanges

10/10/10: GLOBAL PICNIC

when you realize it's not about you

it's a we-world we're entering into

no more time for karmic separation

we're all tuned to the same gratitude station

--mikeyp 2010

it is one thing to announce what is no longer

and another to pronounce what is arriving

the global picnic!

it is 10/10/10 and here in OB

special operations units will be forming

around bonfires on the beach

(shall we say around 10:10?)

initiating the global picnic tour

coming soon to a meadow near you

i know 2012 is supposed to be the big deal

but i say

why wait?

-----

come join the fun

as we hit the streets in the coming year

to educate the overly-washed masses

as to recent updates in the software package

not only can we stop by permaculture farms

nonviolent communication trainings

and old friends' porches

with our multidimensional dance party

but corporate headquarters

military hospitals and fire stations

if anyone in the world

needs a holistic donut break

you know it's these folks

-----

financing provided by

the barter banking non-cartel

recently initiated a moment ago

and spare change for a new paradigm

where here on john lennon's 70th birthday weekend

a working class hero is still something to be

we peasants and indescribable rainbow journeyers

would like to thank the many secret societies

for their participation in managing world affairs

as best they could amidst double-crossed bones

there will be no further need of such services

all future warring and intrigue has been called off

ah-yay-oh

it is potluck

so bring something for 7 billion to share

and come join the picnic!

grail is an odd word anyway

so i'm visiting all these groovy sites

connecting the dots between

the vikings and the celts

the jewish tribe of dan

the merovingian dynasty

egypt and the knights templar

the freemasons and 9/11

the mafia and global drug trade

catching up on the da vinci code stuff

that i first read about in the 80s

jesus having a bloodline through magdalene

the holy grail

and i'm seeing the whole conspiracy

of western civilization

coming to light

-----

i watch myself begin to obsess

for a 24 hour frame

well all very plausible

but it is true

what do i believe

i really need to figure this out

this insider wisdom explains a lot

but it's led to such evil

whereas the dogma of the church

has a certain spiritual purity to it

although its fruits have been mixed also

in this way

back and forth i went

into the night

-----

and then i realized

what do i care

i'm not a professed christian

i don't buy the entire paradigm of saviorism

and so why should i care whether

there's an actual bloodline

or just a million duplicitous fools

who've destroyed our planet believing so

convinced they are its true inheritors

and battling every rival claimant

either way

their secret societies

perversions and violence

are no longer needed

-----

it is useful to detach further

from the entire thrust of western civilization

between the inherent fraud

of the entire banking industry

indenturing all those

unwilling to collaborate

profiting by fomenting

and then funding

both sides of every war

along with crusades

diamond-studded princesses

kings and inquisitions

slavery and genocides

stolen lands

and masonic initiations into power

including presidencies and media ownership

poisoning every corner of mother earth

and murdering tens of millions of innocent people

it is a conspiracy after all

at least a couple thousand years running

and from here on the 33rd parallel

i can honestly say

to their armageddonist plans

i am quite finished with

such nonsense

YE-ME-LE-NE

WE

NM trip photos

It was a great trip to New Mexico, filled with rich connections, leaving me with a full heart and gratitude I cannot begin to express.

I'm not the world's best photographer--almost always reticent to interrupt moments I'm enjoying with others to stop to photograph them. I suppose there was the time I lost the camera in the couch too...

I hope you enjoy the assortment of random photos I did manage to take!

Santa Fe:

groovy public transportation between Albuquerque and Santa Fe:

$8 round trip

Santa Fe River downtown

a plant at Alex's I knocked over shortly after taking this bad photo:

must have been the music being too loud, yeah that's it...

dog in the rain:

humans too busy listening to Heijira on vinyl

next stop Eldorado,

by way of Alex in the work truck

Evan and Sam's gymnastics

Jill's joyful greeting, in the midst of

preparing amazing homemade enchiladas

a devastating loss in Boggle,

scoring a mere three points and finishing last

Albuquerque:

back down the big hill, a typical Albuquerque juxtaposition:

dramatic sunrise over a Route 66 dive bar with sign for 50-cent tacos

funky Nob Hill neighborhood

Chinese musicians at Globalquerque

sunflowers in the neighbor's yard

gracious hostess for the week,

and musical co-conspirator, Mollie

neighbors Anna and Talis amidst morning routine

Tali already pulling some very good tone out of his new cello

the front porch: site of another great music jam, whose highlights included a mother & son Latvian duet premiere, and Cliff's song from West Virginia about a paperboy

Rambo

Josie Rose