LOWLAND REPORT

a touch of writer's block
so much going on

that I am once again
for the moment that is this week
not completely sure who I am

competent spiritual clear strong?
sloppy annoying foolish classless?

this is not so much a negative
as an uncomfortable place to reside

_______________________

yes I drank beer last night
exploring what this experience is like
after honoring the month's commitment
to temperance

and I can firmly say
I dislike even this hint of a hangover

dusty patina momentarily covering
the clear light of intentionality

and I am not thrilled
with the subtle self-humiliations
that occur when keeping up with the boys

but a need for play was met
falling to my knees several times
hearing about the traffic encounter with a Tennessee trooper
after doing 90 in a 40 in a rented minivan

rekicking the old skeletons
among the three of us mutts
and I forget how many there are

who slept with whose girlfriend back when
or cost who which job that time

who started who drinking again
fractured which of whose hand that time
or caused second degree burns the other

broken bones and engagements
failed marriages and sobriety attempts--
I do want to stay connected

I just don't want the destruction
to be the vehicles by which we remain

so defined

____________________

visiting my sister in the hospital
every day this week
was beneficial

offering meditation book and bear fetish
pineapple and chocolate
and the reassurance of familial presence

last night it was her and I
along with her new boyfriend
her soon-to-be ex-husband
and two of their three kids

and simply by big brother being there
everyone was apparently more cordial than ever

let's hope it's a trend
any more stress-induced lesions
and my sister could be down for the count

the new guy has been good enough to put me up
oddly enough a few blocks from the old house
here in rainy Levittown

he's an alright guy
I am grateful he gave sis her life back
she needs someone in her corner

he's been willing to move her into his place
now retrofitted for wheelchair access

and given her a new group of friends
down at the corner bar
where she is apparently very good at dice

___________________________

I love spending time with the kids
and am touched at the mutuality of the feeling

the ex is not the enemy
no matter what sis needs to believe right now

it was a bad marriage
a caravan of unmet needs
brokedown long ago

now he's protecting the kids from her rage
trying to heal the nightmares
and is bitter from years of his own receiving

keeping her on the second floor
while he left for week-long jobs
was abusive

and his passivity with finding steady work
is indeed infuriating

yet he cares for the kids
and has been the essential foundation
for their development and healing
into sane loving growing beings

they showed me their rooms
and each everything they are into
their works of art crystals journals swords dolls stuffed animals balloons goldfish

they liked the leftover lasagne I brought
and the icecream cake was a nice icebreaker

I wasn't sure if their antipathy/nightmares/ambivalence
toward mom would point itself toward me
or if any closeness after passed years would remain

there is closeness

along with a new start for all of us
as we move to redefine roles
in a changing constellation of family

which with this trip
despite its obvious insanity
I have emphatically stated

I do somehow belong