ridiculously long dreamwork post

over the last week i have had three dreams pointing to the value of something i called felt sense, a term from some therapeutic techniques from the 70s humanistic psychology movement

in the first i was being ignored and dissed at a tennis game (i was replaced while chasing down a ball) and then at a party in my own apartment...the interesting thing being how normal it all felt, which triggered a remembrance of what it was like growing up in my family...this is something i have been aware of in my memory, but having it come up in dreams brought a different vividness to the memory of feeling nearly invisible and generally unworthy of consideration, a quality allowing me to seamlessly connect a host of issues in my psyche, by way of this sense of feeling or felt sense

the second involved me leaving an army boot camp and being checked for ID i kept thinking i had, only to have the documents i handed over turn out to be a library card and other random stuff, prompting me to say to the guard, "Real ID is coming soon anyway...and i'll be elsewhere!", only to have her call my bluff on actually leaving the country, and hearing myself meekly admit "yeah probably"...this all reflects the powerlessness i often feel in regards to personal power in this increasingly fascist society, and in particular a recent NPR report lauding our NM senators for assuring us new mexicans we would be able to travel across state borders this holiday season despite being behind in our institution of national ID cards...now i want to make it clear this NPR report was real waking life and not a dream, but so bizarre i must have needed to process it in dreamworld, the most bizarre part being the unspoken understanding that i/we have all understood this is already happening and agreed to!...perhaps this is how the news works these days, as another avenue for big brother psy-ops, the felt sense of both this dream and report being a growingly familiar sense i could call cognitive dissonance

the third, last night, involved following on the heels of a leader i admired moving quickly up flights of stairs, helping a few others carry some of his furniture, and while i couldn't see his face, i think it was JFK, which was confirmed by the posters of him in my hand...the main aspect of the felt sense was an immense quality of internal support...it was profound to feel the presence of someone so committed to human progress, who i really hadn't been thinking about recently except in the general sense of seeking mentors and benevolent examples of authority, yet who i now feel more personally connected with...

the dream continued into a scene of him resting to pull out a flask to have a drink, his face had grown a little more hick-ish, with a beard like mine, so ironically resembling castro and che (who was a doc), the drink anyway represented his acceptance and even indulgence of his own shadows, and thus while surprising seemed no less leaderful, yet he was called to medic tent at that moment (like a scene from MASH) and so spilled his drink on cue on his shirt and collar, it being red likely symbolizing his assassination...so he instead of drinking, pulled a cig--a set of which he had magically stashed in his mouth between his cheek and gum...i think the felt sense here is my own need to claim both my own leadership and shadow in the midst of a growing relationship that offers so much but whose structure may challenge my expressing these particular core aspects of my own power

the dream turned nightmarish as hick-JFK was now driving a carriage with a horse whose legs were looking dangerously ready to tangle, and as my friend and fellow conspiracist jai and i watched, as JFK attempted to use a lance (like a knight?) the carriage reached a tunnel and mangled chopped up horses started flying around, and i couldn't look, so i ran to my room growing up, and tried to close the door which despite using a chair, pressed back open with a force i could not control, so as i screamed on my bed, jai came in agitatedly yelling "1/70th of a meter!", with my response of "yeah?" sounding incredibly wimpy like a sad broken child, and expressing the felt sense of powerlessness

and i woke--oddly to an NPR interview with wife Vicky about Ted Kennedy's autobiography and life--to think what was 1/70th about, and asked myself what happened in 1/70...along with it being the beginning of a new decade with the 60s being over, it was the month after my family moved to Seaford, and i was placed in the same bedroom with my younger sister, a situation that would last until i was 13, leading (i have realized through therapy and self-analysis) to a definitely repressed public expression of my sexual side, out of the safety and respect needs of those many years being in close quarters with my sister...the uncloseable door = unmet needs for privacy = missing self-empowerment particularly manifesting as codependent boundaries, which are all probably also coming up in terms of burgeoning relationship and the question of how to be myself within it

all of this helps to unlock one mystery of nonviolent communication practice--why it is sometimes profound and sometimes completely unmoving, the dialog level of human needs sometimes offering a deep window into what is going on inside for us (in my three dreams: respect, integrity, and support respectively), the difference between the mundane and profound experiences of nvc connection being whether we are just finding the words that match our experiences or finding the connections within--the felt sense--that those words point toward

rebuttal to Obama

In response to Obama's moral equivocation to the Nobel Peace Committee, philosophically justifying war by way of his position as commander-in-chief, along with calling on the official and false accounts of the September 11 attacks, one could certainly restate the overwhelming evidence of US Government complicity in those attacks.

Instead, I will turn it over to a letter I have come across, which I had not heretofore been aware of. It may have been the last letter ever written by Leo Tolstoy, and was sent to none other than the young Mohandas Gandhi. I feel his moral argument for the necessity of nonviolence, in means as well as ends, to be both emotionally moving and--in clearly spelling out the contradiction which Obama now perpetuates--intellectually profound.

[From letter to Mohandas Gandhi, 1910.] The longer I live, and especially now when I feel keenly the nearness of death, I want to tell others what I feel so particularly keenly about, and what in my opinion is of enormous importance, namely what is called non-resistance, but what is essentially nothing other than the teaching of love undistorted by false interpretations. The fact that love, i.e. the striving of human souls towards unity and the activity resulting from such striving, is the highest and only law of human life is felt and known by every person in the depth of his soul (as we see most clearly of all with children)—known by him until he is ensnared by the false teachings of the world. This law has been proclaimed by all the world's sages, Indian, Chinese, Jewish, Greek and Roman. I think it has been expressed most clearly of all by Christ who even said frankly that all the Law and the prophets hang on this alone.
. . . He knows, as every reasonable person is bound to know, that the use of violence is incompatible with love as the basic law of life, that once violence is tolerated in any cases whatsoever, the inadequacy of the law of love is recognized and therefore the law itself is repudiated. The whole of Christian civilization, so brilliant on the surface, grew up on this obvious, strange, sometimes conscious but for the most part unconscious misunderstanding and contradiction.

. . .This contradiction kept growing with the advancement of the peoples of the Christian world and has recently reached the ultimate degree. The question now obviously amounts to one of two things—either we recognize that we don't recognize any religious and moral teaching and are guided in the organization of our lives only by the power of the strong, or that all our taxes collected by force, our judicial and police institutions and above all our armies must be abolished.

. . . Socialism, communism, anarchism, the Salvation Army, the growth of crime, unemployment among the population, the growth of the insane luxury of the rich and the destitution of the poor, the terrible growth in the number of suicides—all these things are signs of this internal contradiction which ought to and must be solved—and, of course, solved in the sense of recognising the law of love and renouncing all violence. And so your work in the Transvaal, at the other end of the world as it seems to us, is the most central and most important of all tasks now being done in the world, and not only Christian peoples, but peoples of the whole world will inevitably take part in it.

community organizing

so i decide it's movie-going month, just to do somethign different, and i go out to the guild to see the baader-meinhof complex, which fills me in on the decade-long spree of violence from the extreme leftist german group RAF, useful info for me culturally

and i see that mark rudd from the Weathermen, their american sixties counterpart, although not a fraction as destructive, is going to be speaking after the late show of the movie wednesday/tonight, as he is now a new mexico resident

since i won't get to that, i look up his blog, and it turns out he's (unsurprisingly) renounced the violence of his youth, but what i enjoy most is his systematic exploration of how he came to this

he goes on to promote nonviolent methods of activism, including educational forums and civil disobedience, and then specifically promotes something he undermined in his earlier violent approach--the community organizing movement that was so big in the sixties: talk to people, share experiences and ideas, get to know each other, and build community

and i know it seems obvious, but i've been having a gestalt around it this week, it just ties so much together

_______________________________

over at the peace and justice center, there are dozens of posters and fliers and petitions to partake in, but i never seem to really connect enough to bother

meanwhile i am holding space for a group to practice empathy and nonviolent communcation, which is an often pleasant practice, but somehow never gets around to doing anything in the world

i attend a workshop on restorative justice circles, which i feel really excited about...but then the follow up practice groups are completely dead to me, with no sense of community, sitting in a cold, fluorescently-lit room watching the clock drag mercilessly by...leaving me to wonder if this inspiration too will just slip away into abstraction

i've been in men's groups professing to belong to an organizaiton committed to action in the world, but seen the groups inevitably end up recycling inner process work

and so on, begging the question of why it is so hard to bridge a gap between inner lives and the world

______________________________________

and i think of the times i have actually had the space to connect to and speak not only my thoughts and experiences to others as Rudd suggests, but my visions for the world, my hopes and dreams, my values and goals...and have been attentively heard, or have heard another in this context, and there is a movement within me that is hard to describe

to paraphrase Dominic Barter, discoverer of restorative justice circles, when i went into the ghettos trying to teach nonviolence i was ignored; when i just starting talking to people, they would eventually open up about what their needs and longings were, and things became much more interesting

and that is a powerful conversation i want to have more of, to practice empathic listening yes, but within a context of what really matters to each of us, to develop a community around supporting one another, in whatever it is we are really here to do

isn't it bizarre how abstract something so basic to our human nature has become?

how bizarre is it that with all the empathic listening we rarely get to the heart of people's visions? how bizarre that most activists are so caught up in doing their thing they never get to hear and relate to and support others' dreams? and how bizarre that it takes me 46 years to come across a concept so basic it was apparently ubiquitous in the sixties?

community organizing, a place where autonomy and interdependence can meet, where the tools of empathy find purpose...i wish i could express the gestalt with a little more distillation, i guess it'll have to suffice for now to express my excitement at this form of deep inspiration that is also very doable

nvc stuff

tonight i host the monthly empathy practice group at the peace and justice center at 6, i expect the usual turnout of two to three, hopefully growing as word gets out

it'll be minimal on the lecture, and more about just holding space for mutual empathic listening and supporting whatever other needs are present

i volunteered to begin hosting when the previous host expressed some ambivalence, i have done this kind of thing before so feel pretty comfortable with whatever happens

except for the fact that it was recently shown to me that nvc doesn't actually work in the world, like when sitting in the internet cafe, a seriously obese woman kept coughing and sneezing next to me without making any attempt to cover her face, and there is really nothing to be done in this situation, particularly because i did not in any way wish to make contact with her, which is an essential part of the nvc process

which begs the question of how many people really wish to make contact with those who are threatening their well-being, which is at the root of many if not most of the much larger conflicts in the world, and hence seems to invalidate the nvc process, does it not?

for the comfortable middle class who are, not coincidentally, most drawn to the nvc process, there is something to be said for their relative position of power, from which i have found empathy to be substantially more effective, such as when i was manager at the museum shop a few years back, and this is not surprising since the process originated from the experiences of a Ph.D-educated charismatic associate of famed humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers

nevertheless, there's usually something useful to come out of ironies such as finding this disillusioning clarity after recently joining the board of directors for nvc new mexico, which by extending this current analysis, may be more useful for the relative position of power it provides than anything that actually gets done

i am still pressing for someone to step up and do some nvc "de-escalation" training with the cops

THE SECOND HALF

getting clearer on what this second half of life is about for me

after 40 days of clean living i developed a low level chest cold, which i am guessing is another layer of pot detox, since the main symptoms was night sweats, a sign of kidney system weakness, and lung discharge

woke today with newfound clarity on many levels, such as why in recent years i have been involved in the activities in the realms of dancing, tantra, polyamory, zen, prayer, yoga, pot, travel, music, empathy, and conspiracy

essentially when one is young and virile, it is fine and even good to be loose and explore many things, have fun and find your way

in one's forties, there is a certain need for renewal in order to remain fully alive, creative and growing

it is these various activites have been what i have been guided to in recent years, and while they have all had their shares of ups and downs, they have provided a way to maintain a living soul

pot is just such a synergistic satisfier, meeting so many needs so rapidly, that other practices tended to fall by the wayside for me, leaving me ultimately less capable and confused by this, dependent and wanting little else

what i realized this morning is that i can utilize all these other non-dependency-forming practices that have come and gone in the meantime, the internal tantra practice particularly and likely yoga also offering great energetic motivation with which to live one's life, remain open and curious of others, courageous and loving

and i felt liberated by this sense, and the idea i won't need to live ther rest of my life hibernating from the world in the basement listening to espn radio

then i saw don schraeder as one of the few walkers along with myself on sliver amidst this morning's cold, who i think has a lot of things right in his idiosyncratically personal activist lifestyle, writing letters to the editor extolling vegetables and holding up signs about gay love in front of unm

and while i'm not gay, i thought maybe a more vegetarian approach is also coming down the pike at some point here too, whether or not i walk down central nearly naked in summer is yet to be determined

music review

Got a nice review on my fiddle playing in the Alibi last week, can be found online, along with cd samples apparently, at http://alibi.com/index.php?story=29845&scn=music

amidst the irony of my dislike of the cd being one of the final straws for quitting the band, it's still nice to get some positive feedback...

THESIS

inspired impulses divinely implanted
now activated to release the trembling
of a momentarily retained terror

a leaping off-branch of near-farcical fury
terrific wing-thrust arriving
against the curious weight
of unseen air

each and every beating blackbird heart
newly unbound
in the coordinated dimension
of a sudden spiraling jaunt

all that is needed to regroup
again free to be
wholly together

fright unfrozen
in a moment's newfound flight

FLIGHT

had an afternoon cup of coffee yesterday
a latte at yusif's cafe on yale

who by the way is having regular live music
tuesday through friday evenings

been living so clean lately
it kicked in some nice endorphins

suddenly my thinking was reconnected to my body
all the more evident after two days otherwise

as an interesting thought brought pleasure
rather than paradoxical emptiness

and i realized there is a profound connection
between psychological unease
addictive behavior
trauma

and endorphin-flow

________________

walking home i laughed out loud
with the first moment of delight in two days

as i stopped at the largest evergreen tree on the block
to observe about 500 blackbirds gathered there

upon which they took to flight above me
in a massive explosion of fluttering wings

to hurriedly circle over silver avenue
and return to the evergreen

and saw as i walked on
their being joined

by a hundred more

pain

I smashed my finger today at work, the same finger i smashed a month ago, in the same way. The pain was so intense i involuntarily screamed. It was the most severe moment of pain i've experienced since kidney stones a couple years ago, although it was only momentary, rather than hours-long. Surprisingly, only a couple hours later, it just felt sore--like after the first smash, so i figured it was likely not broken.

The trauma was even more intense psychologically. As with the first smash, the first thing that occured to my mind after screaming was something like a feeling of complete rage at, and betrayal by, the Universe. Like the first event, i then wondered if i would ever play music again. This was followed by the realization i would not play viola, as planned, at this weekend's marimba performance.

Still in a state of desperation, and still fully alone in my experience (although later people would report they heard my yell from outside the cooler), i wondered what to do. Kicking over a trash can felt slightly useful. I sat down in the break room, bowed my head and silently said an Our Father. I noticed while doing so, i was completely dissociated from the burning rage in my chest that had been so persistent in the previous moments. This shift was more disconcerting than comforting.

I thought the tresspass part of the prayer might echo in my consciousness somehow, but it was lead us not into temptation i kept stumbling over. This i took as a guide for the managing the ensuing moments, which seemed useful, and likely had a slight calming effect. A fellow crewmember came in, saw me sitting and not responding, offering as he walked out that he just made some decent coffee if i'd like some. I appreciated the gentle kindness of his voice. I did have a small cup, which helped me ground. By then the pain had become tolerable enough to report it rather calmly and professionally to the foreman.

For about the next hour i was in a really miserable state mentally, coping externally--moving yogurt boxes around, but not all there. It was reminiscent of psychotic states i experienced in 1992. (In retrospect, it is interesting that all trauma at this point in my life is a re-experiencing of prior trauma, perhaps coming up to be unwound? To be able to retrace the various qualitites and patterns along the pathway between normal thinking and schizophrenic offers a certain integrative opportunity i suppose. I did not have this sense of meaning this morning.)

At the time, my adrenaline was so flooded that my mind was just hammering at trying to find meaning amidst this event. Thoughts ran relentlessly: Did i create it by thinking wrong thoughts? Did my dyslexia blog set me up? (I did notice an oddly distinct moment of dyslexia while printing out an invoice a couple minutes before hurting myself.) Am I being punished for something? Ancestral karma? Is it a test of my faith?

When i neglected to ask for help consolidating the pallet of turkeys, was i giving in to poor-quality "have-to" thinking? Am i paying the price for wrong thinking about that whole subject.

Maybe the new agers are right, and our thoughts and words create our reality. (This led to deeper suffering as i began to imagine i needed to constrict my thoughts and words to only the good ones, and for the rest of my life.) This fed into kototama principle-related thoughts: i must be vibrating on a wrong dimensional frequency. Maybe i need to quit and teach kototama...

Along with this, I felt just so stupid for doing the same thing to the same finger. I thought i liked it here now, i was feeling strong and safe. How can i trust anything i think or feel now? (More suffering.) Why the same frikin finger? What is the meaning of pain? Why does God provide such pain, and why is it apparently doled out so unjustly? Or is it about some evil influence?

As i began stocking individual yogurts onto shelves, i found some consolation remembering a book from anthropology class, We Eat the Mines and the Mines Eat Us. It was a description of the conditions and experiences of Bolivian miners, most of whom are indigenous, very poor and without many options. I recalled how many of them lose their health and lives to the mines. Yet the mine is such an intergal part of their experience that the workers find their strengths, their personalities, their emotions, even their cosmology in relation to it (or "her"). Most of the workers feel a deep personal affection for her--as provider, as supernatural being, as Earth--along with their fears.

I began to feel less crazy, thinking i may have been forming a similar relationship with the dairy box, and TJ's in general. The place has given me a sense of strength and competence, achievement, camraderie, exercise, daily rhythm. I've also had as many large and small injuries on this job as i can remember anywhere else i've worked. I eat the box and the box eats me. As is often the case, i am able to find context and sympathetic understanding for my experience from beyond my own cultural framework of what it means to be human.

Then i thought of how many others get injured in labor jobs, some of whom give up, some of whom persevere despite way worse situations. I recalled an immigrant's story of his father's heroic commitment to his job, despite such a situation. And thinking this, i felt still less alone, and hence less stupid, and less crazy. Empathy from closer to home. (And useful info about my psychology also: aloneness infused my psychosis deeply also.)

As the morning wore on, i shared my pain with a couple folks, and received some very sincere real-time empathic responses, which were deeply appreciated. By mid-morning, it all seemed like less of a big deal. Maybe i'm just f*cking clumsy.

Finding that meaning-in-the-pain had become a less psychotically-pressing matter.

4 a.m. journal

The morning after the fledgling men's group meeting i was fortunate enough to wake half an hour before my four a.m. alarm, in order to journal before work four more pages of evolving clarity, which began:

Men's groups are for me like an addiction, triggering a desire for more: more masculinity, passion, pushing, power, dominance, purpose, camraderie. I have found in life it's better to leave most needs unmet, in order to leave the excesses of the personality behind.

Italians don't do well in these settings: such groups ask for an "authentic" expression of personal self, which for us does not exist outside of the real. This is due to our inherent wretchedness, which only other italians understand, but which gets projected out as its opposite--love--precisely amidst the pressure of the real, the demands of life.

This is exactly why the new age assertion that "there are no have-to's in life" does not work! Have-to's are the saving grace of life for this man, having forged all that is useful and truly enjoyable in my world of milk crates and money, homeless initiatives, poetry and prayer. Without such have-to's, particularly those in which the inner and outer worlds meet, life has no rudder. On this soul level, there are no men and women.

Now, making sense of conpiracies and peace-work are on my plate, the soul's current have-to's. Such awkward forays, in their honesty, at least stoke hard-won initiatives for holistic well-being, divinity meditation and the seeking of personal power precisely for non-egoic purposes, such as finding true peace and justice work based on a more accurate assessment of the true political landscape.

I am enjoying a sense of acceptance in finding the right relationship to the world of conspiracy, neither obsessing nor ignoring it, but utilizing it to find appropriate responses to the world's violence. Realizing the cultural roots of my alienation to conventional viewpoints has been key. Most americans think "oh there can be no such thing as a ruling elitist overclass pulling so many strings behind the scenes," and thus take news reports as reflecting some objective reality. A few americans who have taken up the conspiracy viewpoint react from what seems to me an equally violent "buy gold and grab your guns" approach.

Southern italians--having been at the mercy of a thousand years of papal authoritarian nonsense, crusades and inquisitions, mafia social control, invasions, financial manipulations, and the like--have a slightly different take! So do post-nazism germans...and for that matter post-communist propaganda-world russians, war-weary latin americans, and most of the people of the planet--none of whom are represented in the news. I am imagining that amidst the recognition of the a priori acknowledgment of both self and others' right to exist, there is a more realistic appraisal available of one's choices, power and obligations...

autumny day reflections

having loosed myself from laptop ownership
and its concomitant basement-chaining existence
i find myself at the local internet cafe on this autumny day
my thoughts and writings infused instead
by red and yellow leaves hanging on branches
whose grey-brown growth patterns are soon to be fully revealed
by winter's denuding

grey skies' quiet provide a psychic nest
where thoughts of grand conspiracy
so natural to italian existentialists
blend seamlessly with the leaf-blower and fence-constructor
working through their mornings in my neighborhood

after five consecutive days
unloading and stacking milk crates in the morning
and community building in the evening
i have granted myself a day of rest

i celebrate joining the board of directors
for nonviolent communication in new mexico
muse on the next practice group at the peace & justice center
and the initiative to teach at healthcare for the homeless
which i have also agreed to

as well as a new inspiration in restoratve justice circles
and the hope this model provides
for actually listening to others' needs in the community
and offering a space to empower actions for meeting them

i don't know if any of this is ever enough
but it offers solace that i am doing something
other than paying taxes to fund an endless war against made-up enemies

and in measure offers some balance to the current life's portrait:

community supporter
milk crate stacker

savory leaf walker

november

autumn beauty being reported by several friends at this time, life coming into balance, as we get to take a few breaths and get on top of things, whether it be our woodpiles or our dream-lives

i wonder if sudden early freezing snow kind of gets our attention, prompting us to organize for coming winter, after which all of this summery warmth and autumnal color seems just such a luxurious bonus

still have not spoken with korea, while it is nice to have options, i am feeling a relaxed sustainability here, as i settle into middle age, with work moving into a more satisfying flow providing exercise and money for saving, and the economy holding out another day, i feel in no rush to tromp across the ocean to teach english

last little sf marimba group performance of the year on the 20th, then it's time off from the weekly commutes, as the weather and dark arrive, leaving more space for holidays, beard growth and napping

plans

it comes down to killing time

as my vigor fully recovers
and i save enough money
to again venture forth

a love interest
could alter timing
and meanwhile is welcome

i know waiting patiently for things to develop
health money love

generally turns out to be the best strategy
but it generally never feels so

during the waiting

_____________

work's become sustainable
and a grand's in the bank

yet with another contact made
asia looks more likely

there i can save money
while having adventure

beyond the psychic borders of dying empire

the bonus being paid in a currency
that is not weekly losing 5% of its value
en route to complete collapse

____________________

someday i will be wealthy

enough to fund some spiritual activism
once it becomes clear to me

whether joining a christian peacemaker team
does the world more good
than simply retiring

to a zen monastery

A RESPONSE TO BRAZEN WIND

bouncing around the corners of this mind's room
arriving again in public
wonder

i can see distant hills
carrying this same southwestern wind
into valleys greener

fear-flu media manipulations
a vague memory

amidst new colors
helping hands
unimagined demands

and a communal sense
not yet and not likely
betrayed by religious wars

lonely artistic inspiration
or even the secular love of money

soon enough
we shall see

________

now is the time
to build up strength
of a nervous system

unimpeded by excessive comfort
indulgence
dogmatic attachment

or too much too soon

as we each face enhanced prospects
for authentic outdoor urban lifestyles

where rather than developing nerves of steel
we will do much better

with such newly sprung
spines of cats

weird play

not really sure what this play's about, since i'm on a flat dance floor-like balcony, so i'm not seeing the stage, and i can barely hear the dialogue

there is a guy signing on the edge of the balcony, and as the play begins to move between english and spanish, his mentor offers to intervene, but he indicates he can do it and continues on, none of which helps me since i can't read sign

some large bodied guys are goofing around, hanging off the edge of the balcony, and i am wondering if they are part of the play, i move over to check it out, lounging in a corner, suddenly uncomfortably close to another large bodied gay guy, who responds with interest, asks me something like if i like the play, and i'm like yeah whatever

next thing i know, i'm lounging next to a not-quite-so-large woman, watching a commercial on tv, of some kids in a play dressed up in black as menacing germs

and i ask if she's heard obama's declaerd a national emergency over the swine flu, and she says good for obama, and i say welll yeah the upside is the hospitals can access more resources, that is if you think there is an emergency, since like every year more people have died this year from regular flu than swine flu

this catches her attention, and as our break is over, we get up from the couch to continue our work shift, and i continue, the downside is that now obama can quarantine people or entire towns if he wants to, conduct warrantless searches, arrest those refusing the vaccine without miranda rights, to try to enforce vaccinations

i'm helping bag as she checks a customer at her register, feeling the gulit of unprofessionally trying to finish the conversation while doing so, mentioning that these commercials with kids as germs are a psychological operation, serving to reiterate that there is some public crisis, without giving us any more real information

and she says yeah so people just get more afraid, have no knowledge about what to do, and then big brother can supposedly come save us, right

and i realize she gets it, as we fumble over what is turning into endlessly complicated bagging, and meanwhile the customer has wandered off, a manager comes over to gather the bags, and we go looking for her, finding her amidst the crowd of shoppers and play attendees...

war

when you said you'd met donald rumsfeld
and that he was really a cool guy

i offered a sarcastic response:
responsible for the deaths of millions
and a cool guy

you then offered it was on one of your two tours of duty in Iraq
and rummy was asking you if the equipment was working
and i could see how his expression of concern for your well-being
must have indeed been pretty cool

i considered offering that i had been watching a video from iraq the night before:

u.s. soldiers were picking off civilians with machine guns
and rejoicing like some macho teenagers in some video arcade
watching the iraqi cars suddenly veer off the road
and shudder to an ominously silent halt

the images have stayed with me as some of the most horrific i have ever seen in their demonstration of absolute disregard for and disconnection to human life

i didn't ask you whether you killed anyone over there and how you felt about it

serving in the armed forces is supposed to represent something honorable and amidst all that you are probably dealing with in your young life i didn't want to add the burden of cognitive dissonance

it is a problem that i never want to add to anyone's suffering so
even though cognitive dissonance is precisely what is necessary
when one is awakening from being brainwashed:

4000 americans have died in a six-year war
declared simply for greed and hubris
leaving a legacy of radioactivity, injustice, hatred

and a million iraqis dead

we carry on without protest
hoping to save our own skins
amidst this new world order

like the good citizens of nazi germany
we deserve everything soon coming to us

what to do?

So how does one protest anymore, and why bother?

I attended the main march with thousands of others, at the U.N. in New York in '91, against the now-mostly-forgotten Gulf War. It was obviously futile: like most rallies, there were a lot of people standing around chanting slogans that only they would hear. With cops on horseback closing in around the edges, I took off before people started getting arrested. It got about five seconds coverage at the back end of the evening news, and had no effect on anything.

I attended rallies in New Mexico, along with tens of millions of people around the world, against the invasion of Iraq in '03. The entire world knew the case for war was based on lies. I felt solidarity with the world's peaceniks--a million in Berlin, another million in Rome, and similar numbers in major cities around the world. Mainstream media coverage was still rather minimal, and nothing changed politically.

The lack of effect should be no surprise. Like it or not, the world has been dominated by the shadow government in control of the U.S. since the year I was born, 1963. One could of course argue for the corruption of things as far back as one would like--witness the genocide and slavery this country is rooted in. I would certainly agree.

But the deal was sealed in '63. With the murder of JFK, and the collaboration of the media, the last hope of political reform was lost, and the legitimacy of the fourth estate ended. Kennedy had directly challenged: 1.) the war machine's plans for Vietnam; 2.) Israel's illegal development of nuclear weapons; 3.) the ascendancy of the CIA's covert operations; and above all 4.) the banking system funding it all. With him gone, these forces have grown unchecked for 36 years.

And what have they done? The military-industrial complex has launched several more wars around the world, all based on lies. And it has now developed the ultimate concept: a perpetual "war on terror" without a clear strategy or enemy. Al-Qaeda you say? Al-Qaeda is Arabic for the base, referring to the CIA database of covert operatives. It is actually a branch of the CIA--do the homework if you don't believe me, and decide for yourself. And all of it is funded by the same international banking system currently thieving the last of the wealth of the U.S., by way of so-called bailouts along with the final destruction of the dollar. Without this ("fractional reserve") banking system, there would not be the money to develop the weaponry necessary for the untold violence on millions of innocent people around the world.

And these, by the way, are the forces behind September 11.

Today an al-Qaeda group claimed responsibility for the suicide-bombing of a high-level Iranian meeting, killing at least 29 political and tribal leaders. This occurs just as Iran has stopped using the dollar for its oil sales, and much of the world moves to discontinue the use of the dollar as a reserve currency. Israel is right in the mix in recent months, threatening Iranian nuclear development, while its own nuclear status goes unquestioned. It's the same players, folks.

JFK saw the writing on the wall 36 years ago.

It is daunting enough that dollars are about to go poof. Although my German ancestors did shovel around wheelbarrows of worthless money, I've never lived through an economic depression. As shitty as that's going to be, especially for clowns like me without skills or land, what bothers me most these days is being a silent collaborator within the empire.

So tell me, you activists out there:

what is there to do?

still festering

who am i again

i guess what i'm doing down here
is not being in santa fe

too many years feeling stuck there
needed to just make a different choice

the intense sun made me a little crazy
or maybe it was the thin air
or my imagination

------------------

so maybe i'm not meeting women
as easily as i thought

as when i was in school here nine years ago
and a younger man

so maybe i'm not exactly tearing it up musically
having quit yet another project

and instead again trying to figure out how to be
spontaneous inspired and social
without herbal assistance

--------------------

maybe i'm just a boring self-centered lonely
low-libido middle-aged man
with no career no plans no infrastructure

trying to put up a few
increasingly worthless dollars
within the collapsing economy
of a nation now perpetually at war

who has used pot too much
to try to recreate the sense of enhancement
which follows more organically
upon the focused engagement of a life on-purpose

-----------------

yet what can be the purpose

within a death-wielding manipulative machine
that has grown in my lifetime from napalmn-ing 3 million humans in east asia
justified by an attack in the gulf of tonkin that never happened

to depleted urainium-ing entire civilizations in the western asia
justified by the murder of 3000 americans in new york
which was an inside job

with such contol of the networks
grown since the days of the coverup of jfk's murder
the nazis never had it so good

and yes i should fucking know

------------------

hence pot used too much as the purpose:
as a blissful momentary imagined protest

a couple-hour window of creative thinking
in which melodies arise in me
and a capacity for poetry

the patience to observe animals

or following cues from a body needing healing
a strangely organic yoga routine

and observing with some satisfaction
at least i am clearly not a nazi

so it's likely gonna take some exercise and empathy
to relearn these things i deeply enjoy and value

the self-acceptance to imagine it is not indulgence
or collaboration
to thus nurture one's own needs

amidst unrelenting murderous empire

---------------------

maybe there are some new effective forms of expression to be found

for the rage
against the colonialism
that still pervades the minds
of the privileged hive
i left so long ago

maybe it's time i finally learn how
the poor find the resources

systemically denied those caring enough
to protest

maybe prison
homeless on the street
or in the hospital

is where i most belong

--------------

truth is
despite all my mediation training

i hate the oppressors
and always will

i really want a secret weapon
that will vaporize all other weaponized persons
or maybe settle for just their weapons

since the thought of joining a parade
to get cracked in the skull
with a peace officer's nightstick

fills me with such loathing

all i have ever known to do
is walk away

give the finger from a safe distance


and light up

turning colors

i'm thinking i'd like to do a segue
from some sweet sufi type groove
into a neil young grunge guitar riff
starting his song when you dance

the music dream's a little farther away
after a couple weeks break
and again free of creative enhancements

sanity and strength are much better tho
and that matters

-----------------

santa fe is beautiful
the light is quite sweet this time of year
i enjoy it so much when i visit
now that i don't live there

i've questioned that decision for sure
but work seems to be settling down again
so i have a chance to see what the city offers

managing stress better
helps a lot of things

-------------------

i danced tonight at the railyards
i like when cate and i seem to defy gravity
when we dance i want to date again
good thing she has friends visiting

two people asked me if i still do mediation
pretty cool to still hold that persona for some
a few years later

gets me to thinking about that line of work again
how appealing

-------------

getting off coffee and herb again
sure is helping my nerves
life's so much less angsty
after a couple days ugly detox

helps too to go into work
with the distinct attitude
of not taking shit from anyone

i forgot how effective
that strategy is

---------------

i've heard more than a couple times
herb creates holes in one's aura
used to bug the crap out of me to hear it
like where's the science behind your dogma

starting to look more likely to me
i was feeling less protected somehow
with greater vulnerability

and that is something i personally
probably don't need

--------------------

played marimbas today
hands are getting better
good to be back in class again
learning new parts

some of those melodic patterns
are so ancient and beautiful
i can go into a trance watching my hands play

as if they demonstrate some physics principles
already grasped by ancient africans

-----------------

anyway thanks for the indulgences of your reading
writing that i was depressed helped me take action
try doing something differently
shake it off

begin to enjoy life again here in the city
where i realize after my first trip north in three weeks
people make way less eye contact down here

have fewer obnoxious bumper stickers
and use turn signals more regularly

cold

i am depressed

had a nice weekend
the first in a while

but there's just nothing going on for me
on the inside

i'm trying to do a bit of a cleanse
maybe find some chi buried underneath the muck

i'm spending less money
which i guess is good

but it means i'm not going out as much
so i don't even have the fantasy
occasionally realized
of meeting someone new at o'niells pub
or farina pizza

i'm a good boy these days
showed up to the most recent former band's gig
which was appreciated

too bad i feel nowhere again musically
since smashing my finger

haven't been up to santa fe
for marimbas or the fusion band

haven't been dancing

the empathy group was provocative
but is now essentially over

____________

i don't meet people at work
the clientele is as boring as the crew

but there's something else about the new place
i can't quite put my finger on

as i sit in my car this morning at 4:50 am
looking at the giant store
feeling...?

empty

i don't find a lot of warmth anywhere there
crew or customers or management

it's like working at a mall
which being uptown
should not surprise

no emotion, appreciation, disagreement,
nothing surreptitious, surly, compassionate or just bizarre

the building itself is too large
with north facing windows and entrance
promising significant winter heating needs

and while i do not dread work
there is no one i look forward to seeing
not a single woman i find interesting

and nothing of interest in the work itself

________________

and staring at that building
in the morning chill

a vague unease arises
whispering

where is the meaning

what am i even shooting for now
at 46 working at this place

where intelligence
experience and personal warmth have no value
all my bosses are younger than me
and i'm learning absolutely nothing

fortunately time runs out
before i ask how many decades
have been similarly wasted

so i walk in
to be asked how you doin

twice by a full timer
who is so clearly not listening

that she has forgotten my first response
and all i can think is

i might as well be on mars

thought experiment

i have decided to attempt a conscious version of doublethink, which george orwell ominously described in the book 1984 as an intellectual compartmentalization allowing humans to hold two completely contradictory viewpoints in mind without apparent conflict

for i am quite convinced that the monetary system as it is in the world is indeed responsible for a great deal of the global misery of the human condition as well as the destruction of the natural world, and is therefore not as the new agers say just a neutral form of energy

one needs simply to look at the fact that inherent in the system there is more debt than can ever be paid back by whatever money is in circulation which sets up a zero sum game where we are all competing for a limited resource in order to meet basic needs, the system perpetuating itself only by the lag in payback time and the consumption of ever greater natural resources also known as growth

yet

i have found that i have never changed anything by opposing it but rather by blessing it which sets up an odd situation where i must accept that even this human created global disaster is serving some divine purpose

on a selfish level i can no longer fight against my own needs for both freedom and security and even interdependence granted by the flow of resources allowed when i am able to participate unselfconsciously within the present system, as well as the relief to my very soul when i hold judgments generally in abeyance allowing me a broader capacity to love

for while it seems to me the concept that there are no have-to's is overly simplistic and potentially destructive, the unwinding of generational karma stimulated by my exposure to it cannot be discounted, indicating to me the notion is in the right direction

thus

i am hoping to overcome the obvious sin of collaboration with the forces of violence in the world is to first remain humble enough to admit relative to God i never know enough to conclusively judge even the obvious

to also acknowledge that i would like and am completely ready to shift toward a joyful communal bartering or other just monetary system not based in what i see as debt and manipulation and suffering

and by blessing this impossible situation intend to call a just way forth in some small or large way with lightning-like

Godspeed

ancestral gestalts

when you said there are no victims
because nothing outside of us can affect our well being without our choice and participation

my mind shot in several directions simultaneously

i felt the blistering hot wind of nagasaki blow through the room
saw a homeless man shaking behind a dumpster
heard muffled screams from a small dark cell in iraq

and wondered about the millions of souls murdered for their jewishness

___________________

since i had already disrupted the first hour of your class
i allowed you your platform

and realizing you were railing in your way
against the violence rooted in projection

i saw my german ancestors who in their arrogant sensitivity
excluded those who spoke as plainly as you do
until their projections could justify your extermination

and i realized how it is your karma as well as mine
to not let that happen again

____________________

and when you said there are no have-to's
because to meet our needs we don't need anyone out there to give us anything

i wondered if you'd ever competed for a job
reckoning with the stresses of bosses and customers
in order to afford a place to live:

do you understand the conflicts people face

since barring unusual arrangements
we do need to convince someone to give us money
in order to live safely and with some peace

_________________

yet in my silence
my mind spiraled to my father's misery
imposed on our family

so deeply based in have-to thinking
rigid strategies with no room for choices

and how 500 years of poverty
for my ancestors the people of southern italy
was bound up in this issue

and i saw a new opportunity
for living more freely


if only i could agree with you

basics

celebrating basic needs being met this weekend:

food
it's pleasant shopping at the local sunflower
mellow
no one trying to wow you every second
you can just shop
--and the food hasn't been sitting on the dock all week

clothing
i will sometimes spend a little extra on decent shoes
my old sneakers wore out
and i was so impressed with the support of the new balance mx608
i spent the fitty

shelter
rent paid
a day late with promises to be more prompt
now that my cash flow's better
not taking time off

empathy, community, play, exercise needs met along the way

______________________

and then there's the creativity
of playing three fingered mando
working on lyrics
and actually setting the hurt finger on viola string today

surprised how lightly i can press and generate tone
a fifth of the usual pressure--useful info--
while deeply connecting to gratitude, beauty
even spiritual communion in the playing

as i work out all the kinks
stretching through scar tissue and adhesions
currently active in hand, wrist, shoulder, neck

using gravity for deep pressure
the minor bruising bringing new circulation

along with depth, learning
and something akin to wholeness

i guess that's health care

good stuf

for the sake of balance, i am posting a note of appreciation in regards to work, for the new captain, who has demonstrated an important capacity to me today, that of understanding the plight of the crew, expressing shock at the working conditions (that he did not even see the worst of), worrying about crew morale, questioning all the ridiculous orders being written, and having the courage to write off 20k worth of product so it can be donated before it rots, and so we can get back to some semblance of functionality

this is the kind of thing that actually moves me, i am the kind of person who takes such consideration to heart, if someone is rude to me i forgive pretty quickly, if someone is a hero to me that stays with me a long time

it was also fun working a ten hour day loading and unloading trucks, got to drive the refer truck around the block, use the forklift which turned into an all-day affair, and impress several coworkers with my determination to get dozens of stacks of beer and wine out of the sun, leading to good inside info on the best happy hours in albuquerque, like dollar-fitty pints at marble on mondays

and that's good stuf

retail confidential

nightmarish working conditions continue in predictable fashion on day four

product ages in a back room with more hazards than an OSHA textbook, as tens of thousands of dollars of product gets spoiled daily

cooler remains jammed to the gills so no one can even walk in there, and now it's bizarre stacks of pork chops on top of yogurt on top of sprouts, so no effective work can get done

everything is at least triple work for the crew, a handful of whom are competent enough to deal with the trucks arriving twice daily, unloading more pallets and stacks of perishables, like salmon and meatloaf entrees, to rot in the sun for several hours on the dock, until the refrigerated truck gets shufled back into place and filled back to its brim

after herculean (actually sisyphian) efforts all morning with bruised hands to clean up the dock or shovel a path through the backroom, we get hit with the next overloaded order and avalanched on all over again

the crew continues to be browbeaten into staying positive as they were brainwashed to do during their ten day programming, i mean training, by all the bigwigs and regionals who likewise have since disappeared from the scene of the crime

but not before installing new and improved technology for merchandising produce with spring loaded cheap plastic gizmos that allow half the amount of stock to be out on shelves, thereby doubling backstock which is now full of half cases of things, while the contraptions do not even function well enough to actually push the products forward, and offer added benefits of crushing letttuce packages, signage holders that continually drop their signs all day long, and mechanisms that break hourly leaving mushrooms and endives sitting in a pile on top of the springs

i should not be surprised to learn these have been ordered for use company wide

upscale apartments next door complain about shopping carts and blowing trash, the 15 pallets and stacks of racks and cardboard bales on the dock we agreed would be kept clean, and the five am trucks we agreed would not arrive until seven

customers get a free bag, which they fill with toxic garbage for their families to eat, all the while chanting the familiar refrain like sheep, i love this place!

the spirit of adventure

just through kal's radio romanista
like medicine that
onto peatbog fairies
pretty much my setlist of delight
david byrne's on the way

davidbyrne.com is a fun looking website
the map of this year's tour is awesome
there's the dream
i think the smashed finger will heal in a couple weeks
until then it's going to be extra fourth finger work

and the ongoing work that comes with the realization
that at this point in my life
every inury is just a reinjury
a retraumatization

that if i pay attention to
i can utilize to heal the old wounds which flare up at the moment of injury
and it is likely they partly caused

my weak shoulder carrying itself just a bit lower to conserve effort
leaving my hand lower on the grey stack i was sliding along
until my best vibrato finger jammed into one of the stacks
beginning a long row of tonnage leaving but a narrow pathway
whose width i overestimated by a couple inches

it is tempting to go into hate in those moments
but i know better
i am clumsy raven

so i know the gift of so much physical trauma over so many years
ever since being the littlest of kids
is finding out

they are strangely disguised
blessings
___________________

i look forward
to whatever all this converges
to drive me to

some contact improv global thrash band
or some nearly masochistic auric healing path

empathic sensuality through aggravation
middle aged dancing career
yogic milkshake drinking philosophical recluse
refuse reusing refugee fuser

lucid dreaming manifestor of some glorious evolution
ancestral cancer healing removal of psychic scar tissue

pinching
polyrhythmic
amore

why bother singing up for this show
if not for such an adventure

venturing's advent
before things harden up so much
you just die like most people
out of boredom with your suffering

this earth can torture me all she likes

for i have found the spirit of adventure

punk is an art

barely able to walk from work
pallets and pallets on the dock
full stockroom
full coolers
repo'd the storage shed for more product
rented a refer truck loaded to the brim
and so on
while at least one of the crew's sections is spot on with mere half uboat stock and no holes out front
i guess certain fulltimers were figuring on the first million dollar day in history
yep the familiar suspects
meanwhile i start to like the people i hated
and continue to like those i liked
as i suss out who these hundred new people in my life are
i'm sure a bunch of people still think i'm an asshole
cuz i kind of am
blatantly honest impatient and direct
dripping with disinterest for pretense
quietly maximizing arrogance
yet with growing self-acceptance around it:
punk is an art
and life is short

at the dance check in tonight
when asked to share about new beginnings in my life i said
i come here for a nonverbal space and thats about all i have to say
went on to dance alone awhile
until some surprisingly flirty not unwelcome closeness
with a new dance partner
that is when i wasn't stretching out sore ankles
and shoulders
hips

playing violin hard last night and the gourds
and the commutes up for music
add to the body's twitching stew
people liked the violin at least
hell i liked the violin
for a change

friends keep me sane
the occasional prayer or empathy space

that's all i got

retailobotnot

i realized something today

as i fit in with nothing

again

____________

well
i can't say nothing

yes i didn't fit with the hippie chicks
or the old blues guys

nor did i have anything to say to anyone else

but while it was a challenge to maintain attention
toward the native aztec dance
for a couple hours straight

i feel very grateful for the ritual space

it was probably the best meditation
i've had in a long time

which undoubtedly has to do
with the whole reason for the dance

looked like most people milled away
after the conventional time frame of an hour passed
and they remembered important things to do

a few of us kept on until the spirits were released

but even we had some side conversations going
after an hour and a half

of prayer

_________________

it was very relieving to me
not to have to have a personality
those couple hours

my aura is rather crumpled today

which leaves me both oversensitive to triggers
like not being noticed

and attracting negative attention

people seeing me not all fluffy
and hence available for their projections

it's my way of working through
the week at trader joe's uptown

reliving not being acknowledged all week
bossed around by idiots

and then being projected upon:

oversensitive
not a team player
quiet
moody

the usual

_______

and sure i can be all of those things

if you want

but as someone once said
others' opinions of me are none of my business

i am simply responding naturally and nonviolently
to a setting where a lot of my needs aren't getting met

in order that i remain maximally sane

i do wonder how others manage
what such a situation otherwise supports
at least in me

rebellion

against the measly pittance
the soul is traded for

no life

the new american
no thinking no feeling

most of all
no needs

________________

as someone else said
this week

when deciding people would not receive
their requested schedules

this is retail folks

i could probably get the anger up
to bulldoze through the situation

with grimmacing smile
pervertedly loud voice

and socially-sanctioned retail aggression

but i have simply seen this movie too many times
i am bored
and i know the ending

_______________

what i am
is probably obvious to everyone but me

i just don't know that i've ever really
gotten the gist of the word before

i listen to an inner esthetic
to determine the rightness of things

i seek joy in my life experience
met needs
autonomy and connectedness

this has confused people

and it has confused me
that many others are not the same way

seeking experiences we can participate in
very actively

synthesizing meanings therein by
comparing to past experience
reflecting on feeling-perception

and presenting a newly synthesized self
ever emergent and unknown to me

without the aggressive one-dimensionality

called for by most jobs
and romantic relationships

of the empire

i have simply been a roman too long
fought for king and country
even lived for the reich

and i say to you now
there is no future in it

death by money
or by the sword

__________

if anyone asks

tell them
i've gone to live

with the other skunks and artists

misfit fishermen

and fools

MORNING RIDE

after putting out a request
to my social network
for borrowing a camcorder

to document a friend's heroic efforts
at farming in the desert
while holding own the job to make ends meet


i dithered in the yard
before deciding to walk
instead of cycle to the neighborhood cafe

stopped on the way at a yard sale
to chat with a woman heading to portland

bought her cd player for three bucks
after offering five

and decided to walk back home
with the goods


back home
i revised my plan

and finally got on the bike

needing a tune up
air in the rear tire
and ultimately slicks to replace the knobbies

but on it i got anyway
and headed off to the cafe

______________________

while fortifying myself with matte
i met an old deadhead
who just got his hip replaced by the v a

he was listening to the loud blonde regular
who kind-of hosts a communal table
and who upon leaving was replaced by

a large dude with serious dreads
wearing a lavendar one-piece garment
and big feathers in his hair


i began a conversation
with a beautiful young woman

who turned out to be a violinist
studying suzuki teaching at unm
with a former teacher of mine!

we had a nice talk
she shared some of the challenges
of being a young woman in the modern world

i listened
offered concern
and a card with the web address for my music

_____________________

i then asked a guy about the brown package he was opening
it was a color of american spirits i did not recognize

he offered me one
and i accepted

i told him i'm playing music
and want to do more danceable stuff

turns out he's a 24 year old philosophy student
with a performance art space
where they have music occasionally
and dancing!

so he got the card too


as i went back to my writing
i overheard a conversation
between him and his girlfriend

striking in its awareness:

the need for communication
across the barriers set up
by the limited skewed and self-interested contexts
presented by mainstream media

i interjected my gratitude
how it supports in me hope for the world
to hear young folks really willing to look at reality

in order to try and free themselves
to contribute something to the beleagured planet

and we chatted some more
before he headed off to work

____________________

i then said hello
to a lovely ecstatic dancer i recognized
as she finished her breakfast

she is a great contact dancer
beautiful and with nice energy

i hadn't seen her at class in months
but she was planning on going tonight
so i will see her there!

we chatted a moment more about
my ecstatic dance band initiatives

she's just gotten a bass
to compliment her percussion

so guess what
i threw her the card too

as she headed off to work

_________________

i rode off
in an unplanned direction
so as not to cut in front of the dancer's car actually

and thus ended up on central instead of silver
where i saw what i thought was an old acquaintance
walk into the neighborhood music shop

heading for a folk music gig
she was picking up a forgotten cable for her viola

i told her we should book a double bill
and now definitely on a roll

gave her the card to check the music page

which by the way
i'm getting about ten hits on

daily

_____________

on i spun
toward the bike coop in nob hill
but ended up going over to the massage school

picked up some tuition and schedule info
it's half the price of santa fe

and booked a massage at the student clinic
$23 with the discount for being a prospective student


rode over to the food co-op
to see if they are hiring

i know it's like $8 - 10 an hour
but i'm just ready for the next stage of
my transition to an economy with integrity

and a workplace freer of cognitive dissonance

i'll check back in a couple weeks
if nothing else has come up


then biked over to umn
to see if there was any chance
the old cheap student-run bike repair shop
was still around

it is!

i was so excited to see it
think $10 tune-ups
i didn't mind it was closed for the weekend


i then enjoyed watching
the beautiful game of ultimate

amazed at its eternal renewal
year after year on the big field

before i headed home
on the bike

to blog it

quality of life

back to edo tonight

go to that pizza place
man just sitting in there
improved the quality of my life

evan the blue eyed northern italian
sampled me two options on five buck glasses of wine
both very drinkable

now that's a good start

________________

then i get the meatballs
grandma's recipe
amazing

meet frank the regular
from chicago

the conversation started by general agreement
all the women in the place are gorgeous

including the dishwasher

and we go on to discuss
the utter importance of the quality of sauce
to a pizza

the best espresso in town
and the need for chinese food

with delivery

_________


i get the gelato
with shot of espresso
and mini biscotti for dessert

for which i used a phrase i've never heard
except for my dad

and i always thought it so lame
but it came out of my stunad
dazzled mouth

better than most illegal substances i've tried
the dessert was

crazy good

___________

threw a music card at evan

in case his folks ever want to try
live music again

this time featuring
an italian on mandolin and fiddle
playing nuevo gypsy originals

we'll figure out the details later

mostly want to be affiliated with this business
and its brick indoor industrial walls

however possible

______________

went out to walk the hood

fantasize about other cool businesses
one could do in edo

like with that nice looking dance floor
on the corner

really savoring the fact that i have a life:

a girlfriend who i like contact dancing with
within a perfectly secondary poly-relationship

since she is already further along
with someone in santa fe

and i don't want to be her
or maybe anyone's

primary

______


i will take her to the pizza place
after dance next week

next door at the yoga center
to the 5 rhythm wave mix

i now fully intend to do a live version of
even called the middle eastern drum and electonica guy today

after dancing everyone
off the funk dive floor last night

and now invited to jam with the band

good to have something going on
that's my thing

even imagining an aging-lou-reed look
that's working for me

feeling kind of hip
ecstatic and

grateful

BIKE REPAIR

everyone needs a role in the community

i have found one suitable to myself
stolen of course like most good ideas

or better put
honoring the memory
of Guy

my three week best buddy
in east berlin

who i so regret
not somehow staying in touch with

living the dream

he would bike around east berlin all day
friedrichshain kreutzberg

guitar on back
friendly and brazilian
looking for someone to play
the groove music with

he knew five languages
and all he ever said was

letz jamm

vacation angst blog redo

i didn't go

sitting in the terminal
empty as a ghost town
7:30 and still an hour to wait

the daylong misery just not letting up
facing an exhausting trip

with tiny planes on both hops
in the rain
on 9/11


i realized
as is taught in the nvc class
on stepping out of the vortex of submission

i have a choice in the matter

i can book a better flight
some time in the fall

when i don't have to feel resentful
about the travel plans
and dis the folks on the blog out of frustration

who by the way were very understanding


i was thinking there might eventually turn up
some purpose to this whole fiasco

and learning that i have choices
like going dancing to the funk band tonight instead

and feeling the immediate lightness
of the return of a saner autonomy

just might qualify

music day

up to santa fe

four hours in studio
five sketches generated with 3-4 parts each woohoo

two hour marimba class

two hours at dance

back home
for an hour of music file transfer and upload

check it at myspace.com/michaelpolera

satisfecho

front-end

tonight i learned the wisdom of holding needs underneath both the yes and the no responses arising within me toward others' requests, the yeses often being about practicalities and getting along, the nos often about more intangible spirit matters, the magic being that when i hold the needs together in a basket, i somehow arrive at options for a more holistic approach

such as risking being more proactive in investing time money, energy and planning in the arenas of the more cosmic callings of my life: the big love, earthy adventures, the music, healing touch, the magic of chi

rather than falling into the conflicting demands of halfhearted side projects to fill the space of a vacation or a life, then trying to make those side projects worthwhile by investing too much reactively, and never fully arriving

___________________

the world of fetish demands such a psychic investment to do well that it is really only worth it to those directly inspired by it, whereas for those only curious, the potential growth on the level of persona and shadow awareness, while intriguing, likely never matches the serenity of a more flowing connection to a beauty beyond the persona, already developed and not worth unintentional sacrifice through inattention

a short trip to california is an exploration of debt-free travel, but really was fallen into as a late choice to do something with the last dregs of vacation time, and is likely much less satisfying than a host of other workshops or some well-planned camping would have been

a melodic sideman gig can lead to some nice connections and fun, but is not in and of itself going to manifest the dance band i am craving

buzz chasing, and management trainee programs too

___________________

all of these come about from the vacuum that arises from not

stepping up to those cosmic connections, workshops, and vistas

where only more-potent thicker-skinned front-end requests will do

chi

one key to life
is clearly

getting and allowing
one's nervous energy to work for you

our thoughts are nervous energy
in a certain form

our bodily movements
especially coordination
but affecting strength and posture directly

are directed nervous energy

rhythm
in music as well as in life
one's breathing and heartbeat

nerve-determined

_____________


i've been aware of my clumisness
in the last couple years

it's not real noticeable to others
but it's a serious determinant
to my personality

i am about as high-energy
as humans come

and as oft-injured

____________

i have realized
i am one of those who
benefits from
a certain level of pain

there are many of us

now i am looking to decide
the best format
for this odd
healing work

rossiter work
the most obvious holistic form

my kinky new girlfriend
the other

______

i am apparently variable

an interesting development
in my personality in recent years

corresponding with my increased desire
to dominate in the workplace

which despite apparent position
i can claim some achievement

excepting the regional manager
who is a split personality
misterrogers mafioso

to an extent
even i cannot fathom

what is his justice

__________

that's what's funny about life
i am no less a s***bag
than i ever was

or anyone else may be

i just found some submission
along the way
to something higher which i serve

and the result
is exactly what the christians call

redemption

________

so now i get to play
games of top and bottom

alpha male pursuits
heart attacks
bliss and insight

while remaining true
to a more purposeful mission

expressing the nervous energy
directly

by moving within a new vortex
an awesome adventure

where duende arises
form is rearranged
love rules

and there is healing
through the essence of pain

an earth-love music-body adventure
an earthbody lovemusic
an earthmusic bodylove

also known as

chi

mating

when i saw the spider on the ceiling

i thought wow that's very black widow like

close enough that you're going outside anyway



and as i shoveled her off

i noticed a thinner spider opposite her

and wondered if i'd just interrupted a mating ceremony



as i gave her the toss

i thought sorry if i just laid to waste

a whole lot of work



coming back to scoop the other guy away

i thought to say hey bud

i just saved you quite a fate



until i looked closer

and tossing him away realized



i'd been talking to nothing more

than a withered

headless

corpse

beat

life i think is short for
love-music-body-earth-adventure

i originally had work as one of the five essentials
but i think it is already covered
kids don't learn to run because you tell them to

sometimes the work is about establishing our pillars
to reflect more transparently into one's days

or maybe these pillars are more universal
and our work just an endeavor within one or another
and most particularly driven by love

love is that luscious chemistry thing sure
but as one expression of the inseparable big love
of which our community service longings also arise

and must inevitably extend to the world of spirit
by way of the greater community of our ancestors
to which we all belong

this community also includes the plants and animals
that grow up around us from this Earth
and rocks and gravity and all the joy
with which we get to play here

this particular love bond is so profound
it is is own realm

teaching us through all the bliss
disease pain and letting go it offers
birthing dying eating

the pondering of any one of which
is enough to immediately blow the mind

because of the unfathomable intensity of physical experience
the intimacy of the range of experiences we find
from violent to tender

along with the profoundness of forgiveness and reconciliation
such as when we are granted by the great love some healing

and the wisdom of rooting our most direct life-experience apparatus
feelings
deep within this body

one which we must find some responsibility toward

and soon extending toward those other bodies we have found
to bond with procreate nurture or labor over

along the way of our adventuring

the nature of experience on this Earth journey

from the moment of our arrival through fleshly gateway into light
from first step to last breaths
what is this time if not an intensely curious adventure

why do even the most staid so enjoy novelty and travel
if not for the adventure on this earth which may bring expanded love
and new feelings and sensations to play with

the final perhaps most odd pillar being music
although perhaps play is the better frame

for what is music if not a riotous celebration of our freedom
to make noise jump turn and bump
and make the body's cells stand on end

vocally vibrate something that means something to us
uplift community with dance and beauty
in a universal language known to all peoples

ultimately rooted in those internal rhythms
beating to keep us alive

and shared with the greater earth community
through which we adventure in the generous series of moments we are gifted
in autonomous bodies capable of great ecstasy
activated by an ever resounding beat

love

accounting

trying to account for all the circles of communty i am currently involved in

i don't include my last 31 year old gamer girlfriend

but definitely my now-pregnant 26 year old friend in indiana

whose 60 year-old dad gave me permission to marry a couple years ago

when i was 44, even though i had not asked for her hand

or had even seen her since five years prior when she was 19, which was a confusing time

________________________________________________________

my 21 year old djembe playing friend who just invited me camping is included

who brought two cute girls to our last jam who were really pleasant company, and turned out to be 16 i think, which surprised me

they were more mature in conversation than the 49 year-old i had dinner with last night

as was the bold little 11 year-old girl i met at the farm yesterday actually

who is older than my indiana friend was at 8, when i first met her as an autonomously living person

although in some way it is clear we met earlier, i being the family cook while she was being grown in her mother's womb

______________________________________________________

it likely explains why she lives with her visual uniqueness

the narrow macrobiotic diet lacking in nutrients essential to normal eye muscle development

and also why i have always felt like more of a guardian angel/ godfather/ uncle to her

and never grasped why her dad never grasped why i never answered his proposal to me

but instead remained quietly stunned as i pondered

the bizarre karmic way relationships are, existing strangely out of--or across--time and space

__________________________________________________________

and maybe this defines the community most real

so let's include our ancestors and the corn people too

HELP THINGS GROW

every day an adventure

today i bought a smoothie
and played my mandolin on my break
on the rock under the parking lot's lone tree

said goodbye to my boss in santa fe
brush off a bit of the ol' not-unusual tj weirdness
no time for that whatever-ness

_______

come home
and find yet another song
get this

picking up the guitar on the bench in the yard, accidently strumming while the guitar pick was still wedged in the strings where i keep it when I'm not playing, i notice the sound is nearly indistinguishable from the sound of the mbira, the african thumb piano, and since i'm studying african rhythms, i just start fingerpicking one of the more interestng rhythms i know, and next thing i know, i'm sounding a lot like i'm playing a shona style mbira song, highly simplified of course, but definitely with the right feel, so ridiculous as it seems, i've found another really fun sketch to flesh out

time out to email a friend, write of the importance of doing what we love, which reflects the day's offering of graceful reassurance in regards to such matters, specifically the persistent arising of the desire to farm within a supportive community, so i start thinking about visiting indiana again, maybe scouting out some land to work for next growing season, wondering if this vision would find the wings to manifest, or may be just another alternate scenario and beautiful vision to savor for now

__________

call a friend to have a beer
very enjoyable
yacking away about a bunch of stuff
really nice resonance

a heavyset older guy sits next to us and starts listening to the very verbal woman another seat over, which we are glad for, she so wanted attention, and after my friend leaves, i'm finishing up my beer, when i hear him say something to the woman about all the FBI could promise me was that they would take care of my remains

and she is yacking on in a drunkenly tangential manner, so i just edgewise say to him I'm curious about that, which begins into a fascinating conversation in which i hear first hand about so much of the stuff i know has been going on in government over the last few decades, in this case his journalistic attempts at whistle-blowing iran-effin-contra of all things, and just what happened to him

and i offer my empathy as well as my appreciation of this man's dogged sense of integrity, and i just feel such a sense of respect that there are not many words, just a few laughs at how crazy the world is, and offer hopes we get to talk again, maybe over some bagpipe music next time

___________

and i'm headed home, and i have a message from a friend of mine i haven't heard from in a year or so, a young woman from indiana who i've had a very deep karmic connection with, and have often wondered about settling down with, but never quite felt called to act boldly about, while also witnessed the universe's synchronicities in not quite arranging it for us

so i call her back, she is pregnant for the first time, by way of her new lover with whom she is on a fast track with, she feels good about it and they are living together on the farm, the one i just happened to be thinking about earlier in the day, and i am really quite happy for her, and that such a dream is being lived out back there, may he have the wisdom and humility to parent well

help things grow

____________

and now i sit
delightfully amazed
at the workings

of a sometimes
surprisingly
intimate

universe

jig-like

i realized tonight i am a committed socialist
at least in the sense of staying for a meal at a local peacenik's house
while drinking beer and talking of the politics of latin america

it is important to me to gather eat drink and talk
there is actually something emergent in this simple arrangement of an evening
and playing a few rhythm tunes on the porch with the landlord

he likes my new ten beat per measure song
and i have to admit it is very groovy
the bodran accompanied nicely

if this is what modern day progressive life is
cool

_______________________________

i admit it was a stretch to actually get up the stairs
and out of my house with three instruments
after eating a whole snapper with all that chili garlic sauce

but have beer will travel

the crackers and appetizer over there were probably excessive
and the african peanut chickpea stew was as fabulously irresistible
as the homemade chocolate dessert chunks were foolish

but hey we were talking nvc and bolivia and brethren
nicaragua and jfk and the rest

with more beer and tunes and talk of the import of crack
the irish term for the partying aspect of any musical evening

and how often do you get a chance to just drop into all that

so apparently i will be presenting some nvc thing at unm soon
which is slightly bizarre

all because i thought the native flute ditty the landlord had been playing upstairs
sounded like a celtic fiddle tune

morrison's jig

ta lin!

i can see how people get into cruising down central
on a sunny freaking day not too hot windows wide

just don't do what i dd
and spend all your vacation money

at ta lin

_____

at least now i have food to last
through the armageddon

weird brown german cheese
chili and garlic sauce
an unboned snapper cuz the trout was just too funky
interestingly tasteless crackers
various teas, glutenous rice things, fried banana cake
a can of dulce flan

a hunk of organic chili cheddar
to support the locals who had the wisdom to get it sold there

ginseng shooters, organic dececco spaghetti (who knew?), too much chocolate, spicy german mustard tube, other cheeses i forget like the beer one, more crackers,
glutinous rice on a popsicle stick wrapped in nori seaweed,
mai's tapioca coconut pastry slab,
8 avocados for $3.50

AND A HOST OF OTHER STUFF ALL OF WHICH I JUST CREATED A WHOLE NEW CORNER OF THE KITCHEN FOR

_________________

i'm sure impulsiveness gets to be a habit
when one refuses to follow through more methodically
in attending to one's needs

that's why i try to take vacations

but then who wants to spend a hard earned grand
to still be just somewhere else within the empire

might as well just go shopping

at the international market
where lovely asian college girls shop
an honest fishmonger does the right thing

and a bolivian cashier engages me in a nice chat

while my tommy chong cartload of oddities
rolls cartoonlike down the conveyor

and sails into seven substantial plastic bags
destined for home