organizing at length

in my life I am feeling more dissatisfaction than I am enjoying
work too much
the landlord too much
infrastructure and community less than strong

national outlook again grim with Obama investing further in war karma and hence demonstrating his allegiance to the global banksters some of us suspected he was indeed beholden to

two former homeless clients of mine dead

and so on

_________

so I ask myself
in simple NVC terminology

what needs are up for me
not being met
and hence contributing to my disgruntlement

there are the meta needs
for living in a safe and sane society
which remain unmet

as long as homeless people die
from lack of proper health services

and foreigners die
for living in the way of exploding US munitions

and soldiers continue to die
for lies like 9-11

__________________

there's the landlord
who's beginning to need a personal assistant

spraying himself in the face with paint
after breaking the cap off the spray can
and then attempting to rig a pistol
as paint sprayer

and that's just today

there's work
which is so odd I can't even evaluate objectively anymore
but I know by the end of most days I am bored and exhausted
some weird vibe there more than anything else it seems
perhaps the vibe of incompetence

people ordering twice as much as necessary
so that it does not even fit into the store
and everything then getting so backed up
that the shelves have big empty spaces
because workers can't get to the product

and the bottom line is that I am thinking about all of it
too much
having been a manager now for several years
such nonsense is ridiculous to me

but then who slept through my alarm this morning
got the 5:40 wake up call
and rolled in at 6 stinky and greasy haired
(what's left of it anyway)

so what the hell am I talking about

___________________________________

essentially as they also say in NVC
the needs have fallen off the shelf for me lately

I'd put some up for a while

the sleep I'd catch up on
the connections with friends that rarely seemed to happen
finding a meaningful path of service
a better and more enjoyable approach to eating
a little exercise
some time off the clock for serenity and rejuvenation
better boundary setting with the landlord
self-esteem supporting habits like goal-setting
better music practice discipline
some healing work
perhaps a spring cleanse
or some relaxing yucks over beer
shopping for sneakers or a haircut or even some food stocks
the garden
meditation
the dance band
an empathy group
oh and that intimacy thing

all now fallen off the shelf
_____________________________

and I am preparing to make a decision
simple as it may be
to take a month off
and travel

I can afford it if I go cheap

as a strategy it covers the largest swath
of the above abbreviated list

and is in all ways quite doable I think
with work and all

finding someone to sublet and do the Peter care
will take some doing
but perhaps can be part of a new dialog
regarding some personal assistant needs
or at least some share the care approach

________________________________________

along with the travel's inevitable stimulus

I need to be learning
some new tools
it is a (not-so?) surprising need
that has also been neglected
and alone could also meet many needs
and I am preparing to commit to this as well

be it latent/emergent tendencies toward
psychic skills and shamanic healing
during some off time

or finding my voice in the NVC/NLP direction
likely a more street version of it
(is someone already teaching this way?)
in an ongoing way

or the touch healing arts
like saving up for a fall program
while learning some techniques in the meantime

or a men's group at least
to grieve this sorry world
of death and dying

and celebrate its sublimnity

____________________________

I will take this week off to slow down
hang out
camp and tour

arrange and plan the month off

and get these other things
in better

shape

activist friend's blog

I'm following Follow Your Art: A Photo Literacy Program for Kids and think you'll be interested in it as well. Supporting kids in Asia to find empowerment through self-expression. Very cool. To check it out, follow the link below: http://photoliteracy.blogspot.com/

something like growth

rough few days
perhaps improving today
I've gotten rather sick of myself
being so selfish
ragging on everything
that I am seeking to again improve
the quality of my presence
for others as well as myself

I haven't always been so selfish
I have been overcompensating
for too many years of selflessness
where I had empathy galore
but couldn't care enough about myself
to have enjoyed life
feel I deserved a home
or needed to take anything more
than survival-bare minimum

I suffered a lot in younger days
I don't tolerate it much at all anymore
a few days of grouchiness
and I'm done
and that is useful

usually the best personality adjustments
are these
the internal maturing realizations
that last
because the work has been put in

I've looked at it this way and that
adjusted my attitude
opened my heart
got my health together
learned to pray
and more than anything

learned what I really want
and began to ask for it


so I will certainly look back at these
as good times

I am in a band that has stretched
growing in musicality
and I've persevered through the challenges
useful

I have a very cool home
when I meditate I am quite happy
and I have chosen to do this more the last year

I am alive enough to feel
and generally enjoy my desires

and I have experienced
something like growth

I am simply tired
and while I've enjoyed the exercise there
lately I find the vibe at work very unpleasant
and I know I'm adding to it

I am concerned about safety
the place is cluttered
and obliviousness is such the norm
that I think it must be adaptive

we haven't had a recent rash of injuries
but I'd recommend at least smudging


and that is where I begin today
with my self-improvement

realize that meditation is always an option
in any given moment
no matter how seemingly charged or busy

empathy is one of the options
for a quality of meditation

remembering to enjoy stuff
every passing moment has its own sensual capacity

making sure my requests are requests
by putting them in the form of a clear question
demonstrating respect for others' autonomy/sovereignty
such as would you consider

upping my level of vitality
almost always is beneficial
whether from tuning into what I need to be eating
or just getting some exercise
or pursuing the such-nurturing sensual arts

begin serious consideration
of dropping back to four days
allowing me more detachment
from the natural pride
a true retail person takes
in the presentation of their store

good to get down to what the need is there
another option

and smudging

SCHIZ

life is good and getting better
that's pretty clear to me
I've gotten my spiritual affairs
in relative order
I could go anytime

more acceptance I come to around it
the more I relax (into) and enjoy
life

I've been here before
another bardo

and the more I relax into it
the more I enjoy life

I eat freely
I move with some freedom
and I am working on expanding that freedom

and this is interesting

because as soon as I reach freedom
I begin to learn interdependence

and isn't that a lot of what the world
is struggling with

it is so clear to me
the killing must absolutely stop

and today the death penalty
was repealed in New Mexico

halle
halle
lujah

that's a start
no more foreign wars

anywhere

chill

I am an underground shoot
climbing toward the light

the soil has grown so comfortable
that I am ready to explode

onto

into

____


I continue to exude life

but receive the feedback
that I must learn a more formal dance

before really attracting the women
I want

I'm tired of the role of vendor

I wish to re-mend
this Universe with someone

all beats equal in emphasis
leads to chill

am I making myself clear
there's nothing to fear
I'm learning to rhyme
and it's time

You gotta have
balls to live in this world
and I'm ready
and I'm taking my personal power back
now

it's where the seeds are stored
that's a place to get familiar with
my boss called it ee
its those sweet ovaries of
every woman
and every woman is beautiful
I'd like to talk about that more

its where I want to spend my time

I am who I am
when I rhyme
its just

fine

the first gig

The description from the myspace page (check the new tunes at myspace.com/michaelpolera) reads:

ABQ Transition Town Meeting and Dance
life-affirming themes and rhythms woven into experimental "wave" format...45 min - 1 hour...involving live and/or recorded dance music...follows open space time for transition town activities...stepping out in this direction for the first time...drop a line or call 505-992-2937 for directions or further info!

I booked the gig a few hours ago, having little idea what I'd be doing. Already, as indicated in the description, stepping off the cliff has brought some focus as to how flying may occur! Writing it has stimulated ensuing clarity that I will be utilizing both live and recorded music.

Pithy point of the day: Berlin taught me there is nothing like the prospect of one's actions leading to utter disaster...for calling forth the commitment needed to achieve the grandest successes.

dreamscape

glimpses of meaning amidst an unexpected early morning dreamscape:

I'm in a classroom (a comfortable setting for me, where I tend to do well), and feeling engaged with the material and setting, despite being at a desk. We're working independently, and the instructor, a good-natured Spanish man, is making rounds from desk to desk. He mentions my name in regard to something about sweaters, and I look up from my work and say, "What's this about sweaters now?" He jokes that he thinks I'm responsible for all the recent sweater thefts around campus. By his lightness of tone, I gather this is a concern on campus, but within the realm of we-are-happy-this-is-our-biggest-problem-here.

I head toward a door, which I quite consciously reflect before deciding to open: "am I going to like this...okay let's see." I open into a large domed greenhouse, reminiscent of a mini-Biosphere 2, the Arizona project of a few years ago. I am part of a three person team, as if we had entered together, and I look around at the domed desert landscape. Much is growing, although the work has just begun. I check in with how i feel about it. Yes it is more desert-y than I might crave and I wonder if I need sunscreen. While I am a bit ambivalent about domed biosphere-type visions of the future, I admit that I feel good in here. The air is good, and there is a pleasant safety in being able to work barefoot in the sand with others.

A big part of this seems to be the safety of belonging to a collaborative effort of the community around me. Within the group of three I am beginning work with, I enjoy a relaxing platonic quality. The thin blond young woman (reminiscent of a TJs coworker) is someone I'm not attracted to, and it is pleasant to be free of the distraction. I did notice my temptation upon entering to check out another quite attractive worker (also from TJs) and her very colorful flowers, but chose not to do so.

Someone has found the missing chairs, which apparently had been hidden. Apparently another wonderfully minor campus drama. Leads me to consider the possibility of a future (both personally and collectively) which maybe less than ideal, but with a distinct quality of pleasure, lightheartedness, and met needs. With an emphasis on community collaboration.

notes for D#s

wow
now that's the way to do a show

entry fee "$5 - $10,000"
suggested $10
minimum $5

groovy opening DJ Ginger
enjoyed a nice looping affirmation
I forgot to mention that you are beautiful

D#s t shirts
a kissing booth
CDs of studio work, live shows, solo shows
silent auction of art, cakes, jewelry
Twister
massage chair
dollar raffle
coin drop

live sheet painting on stage,
also videoed, synthed and morphing with music on screen
auctioned off later

after the house DJ Toast
everyone boogied to after D#s

while they were burning CDs of the show

lots of smiles, young folks, an almost entirely new crowd
but for a few of the more fun peers of mine
the salsa bass player I just finagled a lesson with
a fun shaker from E-dance
bankruptcy attorney and friends partying with wine on the balcony
that Native American guy who is so mellow and always knows the scene
those memorable big blue eyes from E-dance
the young massage therapist I occasionally go to
that attractive petite brunette who seems to be partners with that transgender dude
all of whom consistently dance in a way I enjoy

D#s is already on a trail near to the one I am wanting to play on
a very safe, sweet, fun dance space
the loving youthful rave vibe
the scene overall reminiscent of Europe
improv yet for the sake of the dance groove rather than ego
(fully respecting the space for one another's voices and contributions in the music: how do they manage that magic?)

ridiculous turnout--hundreds of people
brilliant having an hour plus of warmup DJ
and even more a House closer for people to keep shaking to another hour--maybe even more real dancing than to the main band, and pretty pleasant and diverse for House

my D#s notes say: the main trio = drummer with borged out guitar/synth and bass/synth both looping
1) launching right into groovy afrogroove triplet, moving into anthem rock, and back, and finishing punkish
2) ambient chill kicking into fast hip-churning funk, then back and forth
3) light India groove into cliche rock into fun Dead jam (drums in and out, changing)
4) less-descript chill-ish into funk-ish again
(couple minute break and announcements, while I envision a possible collaboration with a spinner, just a little more live, jazzy and Latin)
5) space jam w/ slow drum groove into driving boring rock mess (when they try to drive their staccato into high energy chaos, but fail to find the polyrhythm, it's lame-ish anthemic...also could use another voice--horn, (affirming) vocal, violin)
6) watery into another mid tempo groove, then finding a nice poly as the guitar loop falls behind the keys who the drummer follows, with Ben bold enough to keep looping the guitar into a poly groove (maybe not always start with slush?)
7) slow into nice something groovy-disco-ish
(another anouncement, politely apologizing to plead for more support)
8) straight up energetic Afrogroove all the way through--nice
9) anthem into rock groove (where are those vocal affirmations?), driving with elements of funk and noise, drummer misses slightly and so launches into solo, which turns the song toward its sudden and crisp rhythmic ending...
"thanks for sweating with us"
"okay if we get a hundred cheers, we'll play one more"
10) minor ambient groove, into disco-ish with a slight hiphop feel, along with some noise reminiscent of the pitch of a dental drill and triggering some release work for me around an upper root canal

hit or miss, that's what I'm talking about: varying genres, all danceable, something for everyone, keeping it fun, flowing through elements, allowing shifts...

yes I did visit the kissing booth, it was very pleasant
and yes I did win one of my two silent auction bids, $20 for a three-hour video event recording, a downright steal, I imagine we will want to tip in the extreme on that project whatever it turns out to be
uh no I did not play Twister or get a massage

I did dance a whole lot

100 - 120 minute set...grateful for the "mistakes" which, because of the commitment to the grooves, ended up creating something new and fun each time...bass was fun to attend to, not overwhelming technically thank goodness...often(?) making a choice to overextend his riffs by a measure or two, to create not only poly-potential, but to work another chord into the changes...reminding me of Unit 7 Drain and the best ABQ grunge bands opening up my head to the exquisite pleasure of a non-145 harmonic texture

wow

moons

gorgeous evening eh

moon suddenly so full
playing with puffy low clouds

drizzling misty smells into this grateful nose
and wet river sounds into these tickled ears

and again bursting forth into
clear patch of starry sky

shining bright white ovals into
these stunned and astigmatic eyes

option

she groans

life has eaten life
for so long now
what else do we know

she turns

more angry than tired
quite frustrated
with her fever

we feel

death chasing us down
individually yes
but as a species

we pray

knowing the Universe
is ultimately quite
trustworthy

we mourn

for still there is learning
we must find
letting go

we must learn

and perhaps with humble hearts
we may be graced
with an alternative

option

to the growing prospect
of leaving evolution
to the ants

my free community service

I thought it would be fun to post all the cool things available cheap in Santa Fe through craigslist, in case you wanted to buy stuff!

mountain bike looks very nice $70 cheap
a bike shop in Pagosa Springs asking 65K, you bigwigs
a laptop "it's a piece of crap but you can't beat the price" Inspiron $100
pallets pallets and more pallets
railroad ties
jacuzzi, free but needs a motor and you gotta lift it out over a wall and transport
still I am thinking about it for the porch
and I think I saw an compression-powered crane also recently
futons
rug $15
grow light set up $150, get you started brah
van $1300
two frame packs and other stuff $55
windsurfboard $100
telemarks like new nice $225
a woodshop with tools for rent
foosball table $85
reminds me I'm definitely in the market, but around $50 would be nice
juicer omega $120
decanter old fashioned $37
I will be calling
Crate Bass Amp $100
Nice congas dude $190

I hope this has been of use to you or at least entertainment value. Those were ads just in this small town in one day. Resale biz, anyone? Always wanted to go into the flea market biz anyway

and that's about all the biz

there is

over dinner

we'll see how many courses dinner will be

already started with olives, a sprouted bagel and a half with organic cultured unsalted butter, and GT's Raw Multigreen Kombucha--my favorite fizzy drink; the Cod is in the oven, I'm wondering if Michael Angelos Lasagne is going to make it into the meal before the two boxes of coconut milk ice cream sandwiches go down

someone should really come over and help me eat

went dancing today, got very aerobic, and apparently used some calories, good to shift out of the dumbass workday sponsored by moi not setting the alarm right, dance is as cliquish as ever, but at least a good wave of music today; I'm very independent in my dance these days, I don't want to make eye contact, I don't want to play games, if someone wants to shake it next to me or bump around a bit, cool; had a nice reconnection and walk-to-car with someone simultaneously leaving before the ad-nauseating "shareback" and announcement time, while chumpishly leaving my dancepants, sarong, and extra shirt behind, they call me slick

I keep meeting more folks interested in dance-related music projects, and I also stumbled today again across a voice that whispered maybe not here. I realize I am trying to save up money to invest in the musical equipment I need to become a professional musician, gig regularly and travel, so that feels right on. There's an aloofness here which gets in the way of manifesting stuff, and I also noticed today my own difficulty following through on stuff here, to get the energy up enough to overcome a kind of activation threshold

cod in a cup, still haven't washed the dishes since the other night's large dinner--perfect dinner, ending with cannolis and gelato; except for yet another corked bottle of vino from Trader Bozos, where Frido thinks it's because we keep it so hot in there half the wine spoils in the bottle, and I think he's right; maybe someday they'll hire professional management for their shops

backtrack, Cuban night, a couple of solos so sweet I was crying, learned something about the emotional commitment true music making calls for; duende I've heard it called elsewhere--every song makes you laugh, cry, or scream; and they all make you dance; it doesn't matter how good you are, it matters how well you have found your own voice; the chops inevitably follow

maybe someday I'll blog the single-male's-lovelife-in-Santa-Fe-blog, but not now and not likely before a stiff drink; maybe I'll have something intelligent to say later, after digesting the coconut flavored ice creams which were better than the banana splits--tricky to do banana well, I guess that's as good a place as any to leave it

except to say I'm looking for play-mates (of all kinds)who are emotionally invested in their lives, tired of cool, have never been a cool player of music or anything, and when I say I miss Italians what I really miss are folks who live in their emotions, and have done so enough to get their emotions working for them, make choices to be happy or at least committed to something; tired of being the actor, the speaker of truths, the keeper-of-the real, the clown, the intense one; still there are a few of you out there and I thank you for helping me stay sane

there goes a raven

local food fest promo

Would love to be so cool as to post this brief video directly on the blog, but due to technical handicaps... here is a link to a groovy vid of last year's Local Food and Field Day in ABQ.

http://www.jumpcut.com/view/?id=81A761063BCD11DD8557000423CF4092

Video includes some great clips of the events, and is accompanied by one of my all time Young Edward faves as a soundtrack. This year's fest will be noon, Saturday, May 16, for anyone in the South Valley area. Young Edward will be playing! Come early for the acequia blessing at nearby Sanchez Farms and walk over--

More info also at: http://www.mrcog-nm.gov/content/view/298/278/

Enjoy the vid...

Cuba

Yesterday's blog comes home today, as I take a moment off. I am complete with Peter for the day, and I have three hours before going to hear music tonight. And so I am carving out some space for dropping in, playing a little music, blogging, sipping throat coat tea.

Yet I can't quite yet let go of the world. Amy G's too interesting today. After covering the reassertion of the rule of law in the world, she is covering the push to open Cuba up. And it's a big push right now. And the really cool thing?

IT'S BEING LED BY FRIKKIN MUSICIANS!

I can relate. I've wanted to go there for years. (I saw recently there are 128 couches available in Cuba for couch surfing--how cool is that? Getting there's just such a bear...)

Anyway, it would be beautiful to see such an opening of cultural exchange. It could lead to a lot of healing. I don't think people realize how close Cuba and America were, how literally in-love the cultures were for decades, and what close cousins we are to one another. It seems to me travel could really begin opening American culture to the rest of the world. Not to mention the rooftop permaculture...

This is certainly a bit of activism I could get behind. So, call and write Congress! I vow to do the same. You can also sign the letter sent to Obama to restore cultural relations with Cuba here: http://www.cubaresearch.info/cubaletter2009

I am hooting as I look down the list and see how many people I already know who've signed it--lots of Nuevo Mexicanos! And hey, there's me. Wow, this feels a little like...

COMMUNITY!

In the meantime, I will be going to see the Afro-Cuban All Stars tonight at the Lensic. Juan de Marcos leads a group, and apparently unfolding project, involving Cubans, Cuban expats around the world, and Americans. Last week's article on them in the Pasatiempo gives a nice description of the multicultural nature of Cuban music.

Onto my stir-fry dinner...con SALSA!

JONESING

i wonder if everything I do I do instead
of something I want to do more
the thought fills my head --Ani D.

I have concluded through some trial and error that the maximum useful dosage for my self-medication is a small amount once a week. Any more than that contributes to a weakening of my kidney chi, and subsequent symptoms of fatigue, poor sleep, diminished libido, and poor concentration.

Why bother at all? I find a communion with life energy that can come out in various ways depending on what my being is needing at the time: deep stretching and working out of stuck energy spots; appetite and enriched enjoyment of food and the senses in general; connection to nature and spirit; connection to self and creativity; being more within music I am playing; the deep relaxation that comes from tuning into one's needs, and shedding the distractions of daily obligations and stresses; living more within the moments, noticing the ravens and sunsets in a more immediate way; the arrival of more social instincts--to connect, laugh, play, dance; allowing for direct inspiration to come forth, etc.

This is obvious of course, but not often discussed. There is nevertheless a profound quality to the conscious creation of a higher space. While I have met very few people (including myself) capable of consistently managing dosage and frequency, it is possible to enhance connection to life, health and joyfulness. And there is something powerful in exercising one's autonomy to alter one's space in service of one's needs, ultimately in service of Life.

I have often thought that a useful minimum frequency might be the ritual usage during the eight pagan sabbaths of the year. One would probably do well to do no more during the winter months when the kidney energy is best conserved. From Beltane through the harvests, there seems more leeway to expand one's indulgences. My desire to drink beer follows roughly the same schedule, warmer weather through the holidays, without much interest during the cold of winter or spring's cleansing time.

But then what is there to do? Of course there is work and exercise and such, in order to maintain health. My question is: what support is there for remembering our humanness, the personal and subjective space of being? Amidst the chatter of mass media, propaganda of employers, the automation of social encounters, and the numbing prioritization of monetary exchange, it becomes a near-miracle to awaken even for a moment.

Those of us belonging to ethnic families have customs and food to remind each other of our roots. And in this remembrance is often a way of being distinct from the outside world. Anglos have it tougher, in that they come home and are often still in the same cultural space there as in the outside world. There is no distinction: shoes and masks are not removed, smells and affect do not change. Although there is beer, especially for the working class.

Perhaps this too is all obvious, the ongoing tension between the public and private personas. The broader question is: how can we effectively move between the two without substances to mediate the passage? Perhaps exercise to jumpstart the workday and meditation to unwind it? Perhaps goal-setting helps to generate the autonomy necessary to fully engage at work.

And perhaps the re-emergence of the human being is always something of an emergent process, like laughter.

And perhaps the key to both is something close to libido, that is, figuring out how to most ENJOY the limited time of our lifespans amidst the shifting circumstances we find ourselves in.