cycling through

while cycling through time today
along a path near to the rio grande

in considering the satisfying choice of
maintaining a very loose attachment
to a goal of triathloning one of these years

in order to simply prioritize
the numerous moments of beauty
along the way

in addition to fitness and fun
and improved presence in my relationships


a thought occurred to me:

it is possible the root cause of suffering
can be expressed as

the prioritization of attachment to a strategy
to attain one's needs

over a direct energetic connection
to the needs


yet in reflecting further
on my life experience I realized:

it is also possible that suffering occurs
because of the difficulty in distinguishing

the majority of circumstances
wherein a yin approach
of maintaining connection to need
is in harmony with life

from the roughly 12.5 percent of circumstances
where one is best served
by a canine-toothed single-mindedness
offering satisfaction of survival needs so directly
as to avoid life-draining dependency


the tricky part
is that a little yang goes a long way
and we are generally more likely to lose balance
by holding on too much to things

and in our celebration of supposed independence
neglect the effects our actions are having on others
and the whole

the lynchpin of justification for such a course
being the mistaken assertion of one's supposed right to comfort
over and above another's toothy survival

yet what of that grey area we might call
security?


fortunately there are numerous solutions to such koans
each unfolding systems of abundance

one being the realization of one's mortality
and the concomitant dawning of desire for contribution
to the life that persists beyond oneself

be this passing along a timeless path
offering a contribution to the river of human survival technologies

perhaps realizing an achievement of growth that cannot be erased
even by the clenching fingers of inevitable death


or in simply giving to the life of another

whereupon the who of giving
and the who of receiving dissolves

into sublime raucous mystery

Saturday afternoon

Saturday afternoon
yellow clouds rising in the noon
acid, incense and balloons...
Jefferson Airplane


lazing away the middle day
of a long-overdue three-day weekend

i recognized the bicycle would not
be oomphed to the bosque today

but such a promising sunny day
commanded the sinews outdoors nevertheless

so even with the heat of the day mostly past
off we trudged

me
the mando
and a journal

to Roosevelt Park

____________

having invested most of the day
in two primary activities

reading Phil Lesh's quite lucid recollections
of life in the sixties while forming the Grateful Dead

and several hours of napping

the three block walk to the park
offered the distinct pleasure
of a kinesthetic experience of movement

yet it was seeing the three sets of balloons
at the apartment complex on the way
offering immediate occupancy

just a tad brighter in their multicolored hues

that led me to realize
that i was ever so perceptibly
in an altered state

____________

i needn't be too surprised at this

not only was this my first three day weekend in months
hence i was probably more relaxed and sleep-fulfilled
than in recent memory

but the Dead had been a huge formative influence for me
their music poetry and psychedelic social explorations
near the center of my initial adventures
of adolescent autonomy in the world

still it was a welcome surprise
to notice near some of the balloons
a truck cab filled with wrapped baskets

and rather than just register the data
feel!

and what i felt was a kind of delightful wonder
at how this truck's fellow human
might be feeling about whatever side job
these baskets may have represented

as well as a warmth of connection
at all the side jobs you and i and everyone else
have ever taken on
to meet a few individual and collective needs

and i felt a mild exuberance
at the way the world really
works

_________

the park was sparsely populated

after yesterday's cold blast
apparently others were as taken by surprise as me
by the need to not be huddled in our february shelters

i sat relatively out of the way of the few disc golfers
celebrating the odd forty-foot chain-crashing putt
and mourning a little too much tree love

pulled out the mando
and accompanied by brisk breeze
rendered stirring vocally-pleasant performances
solos not excluded

of cumberland blues
uncle john's band
and wild horses

and in my unselfconsciousness
a newfound non-contortedness
celebrated a willingness
to just let the music be

_______________

feeling both free
and exalted by the growing chill of the wind
i remembered San Francisco

whose mixed up seasons
must have meant a few of those beatific be-ins
were accompanied by such

endogenous and exogenous factors

and as the sun bowed to the wind
i said so long
grateful to the compassionate
company of bare and vibrant trees

and walked home
up the maple street hill
backwards

to call on different muscle groups

like we did climbing those steep hills
on Fillmore in San Francisco

chakras

a long-overdue
three-day weekend
begins

perhaps with the acquisition of home-based web access
the blog can return to a calmer thoughtfulness
or evolve anew as it may


a vigorous ecstatic dance circle this evening
brings the satisfaction of sweat
and some gentle healing connections

and as we wind down
i notice my mind wandering
distracted by feminine beauty around me


i am inspired to do some chakra clearing work
visualizing the gentle release of any attachments
and offering rainbow light in their stead

i notice most obviously my belly releasing
its overwhelming desire the last two weeks
to consume

what a relief
not only of ongoing indigestion
but of leading with that energy toward others


mind and throat similarly overheated
overreaching
frustrated

i notice libido and rootedness rather shut down
no wonder i've felt so ungrounded and weak
this week

spiritual crown energy likewise missing
more relief as i begin reestablishing
that opening


anything else?
whoa: the heart!
how could i forget?!

breathing into it
some aliveness arises
a gentle joyfulness returning

along with a bit of mourning
to replace the week's gnarled
eating-my-way-through approach


yet mostly surprise
wonder and
gratitude

at being made whole again
in a few divinely-intended
breath-connected realizations

seen-feelings
felt-visions or better still:
sense-knowings


may i remember the wisdom of this way
toward a better cared-for self
and greater loving presence

toward partner and friends
coworkers strangers
and the world

slow-roasted

of all the things i feel gratitude for this morning, i will mention one, a kind of mission statement overheard at winnings cafe from Matt the coffee roaster:

i feel i'm teaching the world to be less instant in every way

whassup

i had a list i really did of all the things worth writing about but i left it home and now i can't remember anything because yusif's is still closed but at least he has a scribbled note up about it now so i stand here at the unm console where if you come early in the day there is plenty of time to be online so long as you don't mind standing which i do hence the impact on my memory

i think one of the things i was going to write about was how much my energy has come back since getting angry at the kale falling out of the miniscule refrigerator as i was trying to close its door and my hand got caught somewhere in between prompting a fit of kale throwing and ever since then i've felt much more self-connected maybe because the springtime with the passing imbolc pagan holiday is now surely near and that being the time of rising energy and in oriental medicine the season of anger (as shoots must push up through the thawing earth) and in other traditions time for cleaning which i have also been doing zamboni-ing the box at work and cleaning out corners and then the kitchen at home also this morning including some remnants of kale

i put a post on craigslist again today calling for a bluegrass band cuz i just saw the old former quartet now trio is opening for the funk band i want to go dance to tonight and i thought gee if they can get gigs opening up for rocking bands and everyone else in this town can get gigs why the f*ck can't i so hopefully this is one of those moments when my anger/envy is so over the top that i actually follow through and do some such thing as form a band for the first time around what i want to do even if it isn't exactly what i want to do ultimately cuz to do something well and have at least a democratic say in the process of what we decide to play hence no murder ballads is worth doing even if i sound like some sad sack carter family old folk redo

mostly i am reflecting how life is so great these days i have money to buy the subaru i'm looking for plus i had the luxury of a hot bath and laptop usage upstairs yesterday to end the workweek with a glass of cheap tj red wine and baguette and it all feels so luxurious when you've had so little so long that there is such deep gratitude for it all including the so little so long and now i have a wonderful woman in my life and old friends to watch the super bowl with or go snowshoeing while she's away another interminable nine days