A RESPONSE TO BRAZEN WIND

bouncing around the corners of this mind's room
arriving again in public
wonder

i can see distant hills
carrying this same southwestern wind
into valleys greener

fear-flu media manipulations
a vague memory

amidst new colors
helping hands
unimagined demands

and a communal sense
not yet and not likely
betrayed by religious wars

lonely artistic inspiration
or even the secular love of money

soon enough
we shall see

________

now is the time
to build up strength
of a nervous system

unimpeded by excessive comfort
indulgence
dogmatic attachment

or too much too soon

as we each face enhanced prospects
for authentic outdoor urban lifestyles

where rather than developing nerves of steel
we will do much better

with such newly sprung
spines of cats

weird play

not really sure what this play's about, since i'm on a flat dance floor-like balcony, so i'm not seeing the stage, and i can barely hear the dialogue

there is a guy signing on the edge of the balcony, and as the play begins to move between english and spanish, his mentor offers to intervene, but he indicates he can do it and continues on, none of which helps me since i can't read sign

some large bodied guys are goofing around, hanging off the edge of the balcony, and i am wondering if they are part of the play, i move over to check it out, lounging in a corner, suddenly uncomfortably close to another large bodied gay guy, who responds with interest, asks me something like if i like the play, and i'm like yeah whatever

next thing i know, i'm lounging next to a not-quite-so-large woman, watching a commercial on tv, of some kids in a play dressed up in black as menacing germs

and i ask if she's heard obama's declaerd a national emergency over the swine flu, and she says good for obama, and i say welll yeah the upside is the hospitals can access more resources, that is if you think there is an emergency, since like every year more people have died this year from regular flu than swine flu

this catches her attention, and as our break is over, we get up from the couch to continue our work shift, and i continue, the downside is that now obama can quarantine people or entire towns if he wants to, conduct warrantless searches, arrest those refusing the vaccine without miranda rights, to try to enforce vaccinations

i'm helping bag as she checks a customer at her register, feeling the gulit of unprofessionally trying to finish the conversation while doing so, mentioning that these commercials with kids as germs are a psychological operation, serving to reiterate that there is some public crisis, without giving us any more real information

and she says yeah so people just get more afraid, have no knowledge about what to do, and then big brother can supposedly come save us, right

and i realize she gets it, as we fumble over what is turning into endlessly complicated bagging, and meanwhile the customer has wandered off, a manager comes over to gather the bags, and we go looking for her, finding her amidst the crowd of shoppers and play attendees...

war

when you said you'd met donald rumsfeld
and that he was really a cool guy

i offered a sarcastic response:
responsible for the deaths of millions
and a cool guy

you then offered it was on one of your two tours of duty in Iraq
and rummy was asking you if the equipment was working
and i could see how his expression of concern for your well-being
must have indeed been pretty cool

i considered offering that i had been watching a video from iraq the night before:

u.s. soldiers were picking off civilians with machine guns
and rejoicing like some macho teenagers in some video arcade
watching the iraqi cars suddenly veer off the road
and shudder to an ominously silent halt

the images have stayed with me as some of the most horrific i have ever seen in their demonstration of absolute disregard for and disconnection to human life

i didn't ask you whether you killed anyone over there and how you felt about it

serving in the armed forces is supposed to represent something honorable and amidst all that you are probably dealing with in your young life i didn't want to add the burden of cognitive dissonance

it is a problem that i never want to add to anyone's suffering so
even though cognitive dissonance is precisely what is necessary
when one is awakening from being brainwashed:

4000 americans have died in a six-year war
declared simply for greed and hubris
leaving a legacy of radioactivity, injustice, hatred

and a million iraqis dead

we carry on without protest
hoping to save our own skins
amidst this new world order

like the good citizens of nazi germany
we deserve everything soon coming to us

what to do?

So how does one protest anymore, and why bother?

I attended the main march with thousands of others, at the U.N. in New York in '91, against the now-mostly-forgotten Gulf War. It was obviously futile: like most rallies, there were a lot of people standing around chanting slogans that only they would hear. With cops on horseback closing in around the edges, I took off before people started getting arrested. It got about five seconds coverage at the back end of the evening news, and had no effect on anything.

I attended rallies in New Mexico, along with tens of millions of people around the world, against the invasion of Iraq in '03. The entire world knew the case for war was based on lies. I felt solidarity with the world's peaceniks--a million in Berlin, another million in Rome, and similar numbers in major cities around the world. Mainstream media coverage was still rather minimal, and nothing changed politically.

The lack of effect should be no surprise. Like it or not, the world has been dominated by the shadow government in control of the U.S. since the year I was born, 1963. One could of course argue for the corruption of things as far back as one would like--witness the genocide and slavery this country is rooted in. I would certainly agree.

But the deal was sealed in '63. With the murder of JFK, and the collaboration of the media, the last hope of political reform was lost, and the legitimacy of the fourth estate ended. Kennedy had directly challenged: 1.) the war machine's plans for Vietnam; 2.) Israel's illegal development of nuclear weapons; 3.) the ascendancy of the CIA's covert operations; and above all 4.) the banking system funding it all. With him gone, these forces have grown unchecked for 36 years.

And what have they done? The military-industrial complex has launched several more wars around the world, all based on lies. And it has now developed the ultimate concept: a perpetual "war on terror" without a clear strategy or enemy. Al-Qaeda you say? Al-Qaeda is Arabic for the base, referring to the CIA database of covert operatives. It is actually a branch of the CIA--do the homework if you don't believe me, and decide for yourself. And all of it is funded by the same international banking system currently thieving the last of the wealth of the U.S., by way of so-called bailouts along with the final destruction of the dollar. Without this ("fractional reserve") banking system, there would not be the money to develop the weaponry necessary for the untold violence on millions of innocent people around the world.

And these, by the way, are the forces behind September 11.

Today an al-Qaeda group claimed responsibility for the suicide-bombing of a high-level Iranian meeting, killing at least 29 political and tribal leaders. This occurs just as Iran has stopped using the dollar for its oil sales, and much of the world moves to discontinue the use of the dollar as a reserve currency. Israel is right in the mix in recent months, threatening Iranian nuclear development, while its own nuclear status goes unquestioned. It's the same players, folks.

JFK saw the writing on the wall 36 years ago.

It is daunting enough that dollars are about to go poof. Although my German ancestors did shovel around wheelbarrows of worthless money, I've never lived through an economic depression. As shitty as that's going to be, especially for clowns like me without skills or land, what bothers me most these days is being a silent collaborator within the empire.

So tell me, you activists out there:

what is there to do?

still festering

who am i again

i guess what i'm doing down here
is not being in santa fe

too many years feeling stuck there
needed to just make a different choice

the intense sun made me a little crazy
or maybe it was the thin air
or my imagination

------------------

so maybe i'm not meeting women
as easily as i thought

as when i was in school here nine years ago
and a younger man

so maybe i'm not exactly tearing it up musically
having quit yet another project

and instead again trying to figure out how to be
spontaneous inspired and social
without herbal assistance

--------------------

maybe i'm just a boring self-centered lonely
low-libido middle-aged man
with no career no plans no infrastructure

trying to put up a few
increasingly worthless dollars
within the collapsing economy
of a nation now perpetually at war

who has used pot too much
to try to recreate the sense of enhancement
which follows more organically
upon the focused engagement of a life on-purpose

-----------------

yet what can be the purpose

within a death-wielding manipulative machine
that has grown in my lifetime from napalmn-ing 3 million humans in east asia
justified by an attack in the gulf of tonkin that never happened

to depleted urainium-ing entire civilizations in the western asia
justified by the murder of 3000 americans in new york
which was an inside job

with such contol of the networks
grown since the days of the coverup of jfk's murder
the nazis never had it so good

and yes i should fucking know

------------------

hence pot used too much as the purpose:
as a blissful momentary imagined protest

a couple-hour window of creative thinking
in which melodies arise in me
and a capacity for poetry

the patience to observe animals

or following cues from a body needing healing
a strangely organic yoga routine

and observing with some satisfaction
at least i am clearly not a nazi

so it's likely gonna take some exercise and empathy
to relearn these things i deeply enjoy and value

the self-acceptance to imagine it is not indulgence
or collaboration
to thus nurture one's own needs

amidst unrelenting murderous empire

---------------------

maybe there are some new effective forms of expression to be found

for the rage
against the colonialism
that still pervades the minds
of the privileged hive
i left so long ago

maybe it's time i finally learn how
the poor find the resources

systemically denied those caring enough
to protest

maybe prison
homeless on the street
or in the hospital

is where i most belong

--------------

truth is
despite all my mediation training

i hate the oppressors
and always will

i really want a secret weapon
that will vaporize all other weaponized persons
or maybe settle for just their weapons

since the thought of joining a parade
to get cracked in the skull
with a peace officer's nightstick

fills me with such loathing

all i have ever known to do
is walk away

give the finger from a safe distance


and light up

turning colors

i'm thinking i'd like to do a segue
from some sweet sufi type groove
into a neil young grunge guitar riff
starting his song when you dance

the music dream's a little farther away
after a couple weeks break
and again free of creative enhancements

sanity and strength are much better tho
and that matters

-----------------

santa fe is beautiful
the light is quite sweet this time of year
i enjoy it so much when i visit
now that i don't live there

i've questioned that decision for sure
but work seems to be settling down again
so i have a chance to see what the city offers

managing stress better
helps a lot of things

-------------------

i danced tonight at the railyards
i like when cate and i seem to defy gravity
when we dance i want to date again
good thing she has friends visiting

two people asked me if i still do mediation
pretty cool to still hold that persona for some
a few years later

gets me to thinking about that line of work again
how appealing

-------------

getting off coffee and herb again
sure is helping my nerves
life's so much less angsty
after a couple days ugly detox

helps too to go into work
with the distinct attitude
of not taking shit from anyone

i forgot how effective
that strategy is

---------------

i've heard more than a couple times
herb creates holes in one's aura
used to bug the crap out of me to hear it
like where's the science behind your dogma

starting to look more likely to me
i was feeling less protected somehow
with greater vulnerability

and that is something i personally
probably don't need

--------------------

played marimbas today
hands are getting better
good to be back in class again
learning new parts

some of those melodic patterns
are so ancient and beautiful
i can go into a trance watching my hands play

as if they demonstrate some physics principles
already grasped by ancient africans

-----------------

anyway thanks for the indulgences of your reading
writing that i was depressed helped me take action
try doing something differently
shake it off

begin to enjoy life again here in the city
where i realize after my first trip north in three weeks
people make way less eye contact down here

have fewer obnoxious bumper stickers
and use turn signals more regularly

cold

i am depressed

had a nice weekend
the first in a while

but there's just nothing going on for me
on the inside

i'm trying to do a bit of a cleanse
maybe find some chi buried underneath the muck

i'm spending less money
which i guess is good

but it means i'm not going out as much
so i don't even have the fantasy
occasionally realized
of meeting someone new at o'niells pub
or farina pizza

i'm a good boy these days
showed up to the most recent former band's gig
which was appreciated

too bad i feel nowhere again musically
since smashing my finger

haven't been up to santa fe
for marimbas or the fusion band

haven't been dancing

the empathy group was provocative
but is now essentially over

____________

i don't meet people at work
the clientele is as boring as the crew

but there's something else about the new place
i can't quite put my finger on

as i sit in my car this morning at 4:50 am
looking at the giant store
feeling...?

empty

i don't find a lot of warmth anywhere there
crew or customers or management

it's like working at a mall
which being uptown
should not surprise

no emotion, appreciation, disagreement,
nothing surreptitious, surly, compassionate or just bizarre

the building itself is too large
with north facing windows and entrance
promising significant winter heating needs

and while i do not dread work
there is no one i look forward to seeing
not a single woman i find interesting

and nothing of interest in the work itself

________________

and staring at that building
in the morning chill

a vague unease arises
whispering

where is the meaning

what am i even shooting for now
at 46 working at this place

where intelligence
experience and personal warmth have no value
all my bosses are younger than me
and i'm learning absolutely nothing

fortunately time runs out
before i ask how many decades
have been similarly wasted

so i walk in
to be asked how you doin

twice by a full timer
who is so clearly not listening

that she has forgotten my first response
and all i can think is

i might as well be on mars

thought experiment

i have decided to attempt a conscious version of doublethink, which george orwell ominously described in the book 1984 as an intellectual compartmentalization allowing humans to hold two completely contradictory viewpoints in mind without apparent conflict

for i am quite convinced that the monetary system as it is in the world is indeed responsible for a great deal of the global misery of the human condition as well as the destruction of the natural world, and is therefore not as the new agers say just a neutral form of energy

one needs simply to look at the fact that inherent in the system there is more debt than can ever be paid back by whatever money is in circulation which sets up a zero sum game where we are all competing for a limited resource in order to meet basic needs, the system perpetuating itself only by the lag in payback time and the consumption of ever greater natural resources also known as growth

yet

i have found that i have never changed anything by opposing it but rather by blessing it which sets up an odd situation where i must accept that even this human created global disaster is serving some divine purpose

on a selfish level i can no longer fight against my own needs for both freedom and security and even interdependence granted by the flow of resources allowed when i am able to participate unselfconsciously within the present system, as well as the relief to my very soul when i hold judgments generally in abeyance allowing me a broader capacity to love

for while it seems to me the concept that there are no have-to's is overly simplistic and potentially destructive, the unwinding of generational karma stimulated by my exposure to it cannot be discounted, indicating to me the notion is in the right direction

thus

i am hoping to overcome the obvious sin of collaboration with the forces of violence in the world is to first remain humble enough to admit relative to God i never know enough to conclusively judge even the obvious

to also acknowledge that i would like and am completely ready to shift toward a joyful communal bartering or other just monetary system not based in what i see as debt and manipulation and suffering

and by blessing this impossible situation intend to call a just way forth in some small or large way with lightning-like

Godspeed

ancestral gestalts

when you said there are no victims
because nothing outside of us can affect our well being without our choice and participation

my mind shot in several directions simultaneously

i felt the blistering hot wind of nagasaki blow through the room
saw a homeless man shaking behind a dumpster
heard muffled screams from a small dark cell in iraq

and wondered about the millions of souls murdered for their jewishness

___________________

since i had already disrupted the first hour of your class
i allowed you your platform

and realizing you were railing in your way
against the violence rooted in projection

i saw my german ancestors who in their arrogant sensitivity
excluded those who spoke as plainly as you do
until their projections could justify your extermination

and i realized how it is your karma as well as mine
to not let that happen again

____________________

and when you said there are no have-to's
because to meet our needs we don't need anyone out there to give us anything

i wondered if you'd ever competed for a job
reckoning with the stresses of bosses and customers
in order to afford a place to live:

do you understand the conflicts people face

since barring unusual arrangements
we do need to convince someone to give us money
in order to live safely and with some peace

_________________

yet in my silence
my mind spiraled to my father's misery
imposed on our family

so deeply based in have-to thinking
rigid strategies with no room for choices

and how 500 years of poverty
for my ancestors the people of southern italy
was bound up in this issue

and i saw a new opportunity
for living more freely


if only i could agree with you

basics

celebrating basic needs being met this weekend:

food
it's pleasant shopping at the local sunflower
mellow
no one trying to wow you every second
you can just shop
--and the food hasn't been sitting on the dock all week

clothing
i will sometimes spend a little extra on decent shoes
my old sneakers wore out
and i was so impressed with the support of the new balance mx608
i spent the fitty

shelter
rent paid
a day late with promises to be more prompt
now that my cash flow's better
not taking time off

empathy, community, play, exercise needs met along the way

______________________

and then there's the creativity
of playing three fingered mando
working on lyrics
and actually setting the hurt finger on viola string today

surprised how lightly i can press and generate tone
a fifth of the usual pressure--useful info--
while deeply connecting to gratitude, beauty
even spiritual communion in the playing

as i work out all the kinks
stretching through scar tissue and adhesions
currently active in hand, wrist, shoulder, neck

using gravity for deep pressure
the minor bruising bringing new circulation

along with depth, learning
and something akin to wholeness

i guess that's health care